I have always believed that with the access that the internet affords the masses every single myth, rumor and conspiracy theory has been solved. There are a million people out there that claim to know something that nobody else does. One of the biggest “claims” is what men and women want. Actually, people just hypothesize about what women want/think, and by people I mean other women. Big market that is when you think about it. I mean, Cosmopolitan and every other piece of women’s literature/garbage make a hell of a business out of pointing out the ever so obvious mysteries of the opposite sex.
Recently, I stumbled upon a gem located, in all places, a woman’s Facebook page. We shall call her Princess. Princess shared a link titled:
Capturing title isn’t it? At least it would be if I were a lonely, bitter woman who gave too many bj’s in exchange for too few second dates.
The following is a list of 25 points that make up the article. Reading this I pictured a woman with dread locks, drinking deer hoof tea, sitting on a wicker chair, probably in a coastal city like Seattle or Vancouver, churning out a list of all the things she wished her girlfriend knew about how to handle her bra-burning self.
The point of this week’s Space Boner is to do what no man has bothered to do ever, and offer our counter opinion of the points made up.
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CONTENT MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO ANYONE WITHOUT A SENSE OF HUMOR (OR A PENIS.)
1. Small things count.
Some guys think all they have to do is surprise us once and they’re set for life, but trust us, we’re keeping note. Why not pick-up our favorite feel-good treat while you’re on your way home this evening (clue, it’s either wine, chocolate or cheese) or buy us that new book we’ve been talking about non-stop? Trust us, our appreciation will show.
Really? Cheese? Cheese is a treat? Alright, not so Minnie Mouse, I’ll stop and get those three things except the wine’s for me, and no chocolate because that requires a second stop and cheese makes me shit.
All this talk of small things is making me self-conscious. I may not have a tube of cookie dough between my legs, or even a tube of toothpaste, but I was always told “size doesn’t matter.” Maybe he was just saying that because he was my Uncle or maybe ’cause his was so big. Regardless, I am happy with my size and live by the mantra: It may be short, but at least it’s skinny.
2. The E-word.
Effort (a word no man is unfamiliar with) is always the hitch. Take out the trash, call us to see how our day was or do something really special for our anniversary. We’re worth your time.
Here’s a bunch of E-words for you!
“Hey, just thought I would touch base and see how your day was because I am breaking up with you. Oh and someone pissed all over your toilet seat I think. Maybe it was one of your cats.“
Sent from RLLD’s Rogers Mobile Device
Effort?! If it’s in the already in one position, I won’t even attempt to lift the toilet seat when I pee…or lower it when I poo, and you want effort from ME?! You’d have better luck training one of your many cats to ask you how your day was.
3. Confidence is hot, arrogance is NOT.
Every girl loves a man who’s comfortable in his own skin. It makes us feel safe and protected and nothing feels sexier than that. But arrogance? We. Can’t. Stand. It.
With enough beer Eeore could have mustered whatever confidence it took to pick you up in the bar.
I think I get it: Confidence is being comfortable enough to buy you drinks all night. Arrogance is the self-respect it takes to see that you are just a thirsty bitch.
4. Chivalry is not dead.
Be old-fashioned from time to time – we freaking love it. Pay on the first date, hold the door for us and walk us to the front door. Promise, we won’t call you stage-five clinger.
Okay there Helen Keller.
I thought being old-fashioned was getting a handy while driving. I will hold the car door for you when I drop you off at the nearest clinic.
5. Don’t be a man-baby.
We’re nurturing, yes. Women love taking care of their men and helping them out, but as soon as we feel like we’re in mommy mode we want out. Most guys are kids at heart, but if we’re doing more than a bit of coddling (i.e. cutting your food into little pieces) then there’s definitely a BIG problem.
Unless I shit my pants and cry when I’m hungry you’ve no idea what mommy mode is. If you want your chocolate cheese wine or whatever, my sandwiches will never see crust again!
Mommy mode just means I get to breastfeed while playing Candy Crush.
6. Listen and take interest.
After a hectic day all we want our man to do is listen. Women like to talk and pour their feelings out – it’s a well-known fact. We confide in you, because we trust you to make us feel better. So please just mute the TV, put down your beer and just listen dammit!
God made more than one woman so men wouldn’t have to listen. Feminine emotion really puts us out of our comfort zone too or something.
I was going to say you can take my beer when you can pry it from my cold, dead hands….but I did just finish this one so grab me another? *ass slap*
7. Be honest.
It’s true when they say honesty is the best policy. Telling a fib might seem like a great idea now, but women always find out and when we do it ain’t pretty. Most importantly, don’t cheat and lie about it. That’s just cowardly.
NPX nailed it, so I just threw in my two cents… 5 cents rather. I forgot they don’t make the penny anymore.
I imagine this is how a conversation in this fantasy land would go: “Where were you dear?”
“I just cheated on you with some girl I picked up at the bar.” “Thank you for your honesty, NPX. Let’s make love!”
“He’s busy hanging out with me.”
8. Make us a priority.
Women need to feel like they’re more important than an Xbox. Of course men need to spend time with their friends and have some down time, but 3rd place isn’t cool. If your girl doesn’t feel like she’s a priority then you’re doing something very wrong buddy.
“Baby, you mean more to me than any Xbox ever! I love you so much… huh? For crying out loud woman, I WAS TALKING TO THE PLAYSTATION!”
I didn’t even buy my mail-order bride using Priority shipping, but I think that even if I had used Express, she still would have run out of air.
9. Notice the small things.
Everyone wants to be noticed by their partner. New hairstyle? New clothes? New dress size? New bra? Say something to acknowledge our effort, besides we (partially) did it for you!
Partially? Well, maybe we would notice if you weren’t always putting in such a half-assed effort! For the record taking 1 inch off of 20 isn’t a hair cut. Hey, we partially do things for you too! Telling you we are going to do something and then never doing it counts as partially! Oh, and on that note, when I do that, it doesn’t mean it’s never going to happen, so ease off the constant reminders every 6 months. Thx!
Partner? What is this, a buddy cop movie? Let’s face it, you are where I put my penis when I am thinking about Megan Fox or when I am too tired to masturbate because I have been masturbating all day. If at anytime I come home and call you partner it is because I just got drunk with a bunch of cowboys.
10. Take it slow (in bed).
It can’t get any worse than a man finishing before we’ve even started. Women take longer to reach orgasm and foreplay is key – take your time and don’t rush. Thank you.
I promise I won’t come nearly as quick as I leave!
Girl’s who tell you to take your time are used to getting paid by the hour.
11. Turning down sex is NOT a big deal.
More often than not, if we turn down sex, it probably has nothing to do with you. We all have our down days – exhaustion, stress, worry? They’re all major mood killers. It happens – don’t take it personally.
Reason number two as to why God invented more than one woman.
Turning down sex is great way to get your man to try new things! Mainly, other women.
12. Help us.
There’s nothing more irritating than a lazy man. Try helping us out with household chores, the school run and daily errands. It’s just as much your responsibility as it is ours.
Just because we don’t care doesn’t mean I am lazy!
I will help with the school run by grabbing a six-pack and heading to the nearest all-girl Catholic school.
13. Sometimes we need ‘me time’.
Most of the time you can’t get us to shut-up, but sometimes we need a little ‘me time’. If your woman seems relaxed and says nothing’s wrong, there probably isn’t. Chill out dude.
Blowjobs are win win then. More cocky, less talky. I won’t have to listen to you ramble like an idiot about something I don’t care about and I’ll ignore the shit out of you for at least an hour.
This goes the same for a woman. When you ask what we are thinking about, there are 3 different things: 1. Boobs and/or sex 2. Nothing 3. How to get you to shut up so we can concentrate on boobs.
14. Learn to say sorry.
Stop being so stubborn! If it’s your fault and you’re clearly in the wrong you owe it to us. Go on, say the magic word. Sorry can go a long way in relationships.
You know what else can go a long way? *points to door*
“I am sorry you misinterpreted our relationship and my feelings toward you (none.)”
15. Sometimes we really do feel like shit.
Men think women are attention seekers most of the time, but sometimes we actually do feel like crap. Don’t forget those painful cramps, headaches and PMS. Periods are hell to deal with – give us a break.
Remember all those times when you told us to stop overacting about how much a kick in the junk hurt? I rest my case.
Menstrual cramps are nothing when compared to the morning dump we have to unleash after a night of getting drunk on draft beer and making bets that you can eat more inferno wings than anyone else.
16. Toilet humor.
While poo talk is comical at times, sending us a Snapchat of what you ate for dinner yesterday is not our idea of a hot date. Enough said.
You’re just mad because that Snapchat was of something you cooked with the caption “#HamburgerAsserole”
17. Take care of your hygiene.
Brushed your teeth? Showered? Deodorized? You’re a grown ass man, just do it already.
Nowhere does it say that a man has to do any of those things until whomever wrote this shaves her legs. That’s right, I said it! Razor’s don’t hibernate for the winter!
I brush my teeth while pooping, it is time-saving and the toothpaste I spit on my balls tingles.
18. Know yourself.
We need to be on the same page. If a man knows what he wants and is self-assured they’re a lot less likely to seek fulfillment in pointless things like getting wasted with mates and talking to 10 other chicks, (for which there’s zero tolerance for by the way).
I think the author, at this point, had polished off that bottle of Vino she’d been nursing since she was crying over old pictures of her now gay boyfriend. Thanks for the lift to the bar baby! Call yea when I’m Vodka blind.
Here’s the thing, sweetheart, what man wants IS to seek fulfillment in pointless things like getting wasted with friends and talking to as many women as possible. In fact, we don’t even see it as pointless, quite the opposite really.
19. Do not forget our anniversary or birthday.
There’s 365 days in a year and you only have to remember 2 of them, that’s why we get pissed off. Set a reminder on your phone, write it in your planner or tell your mom if you have to (just don’t tell us you did), but whatever you do, do NOT forget.
You see this handy-dandy smart phone? It’s not just for Craigslist personals you know.
Well I would add you to facebook so I could be reminded of your birthday, but then you would see the pics that explain “where is all this glitter coming from?!”
20. Respect us.
Some men don’t value their partners as much as they should. Love her like it’s your last day, appreciate her for all that she is and be grateful for everything she does. Think about it.
Thought about it. No.
Respect is earned, like a treat. Good girl!
21. Pinterest is your answer to everything.
Pinterest is your saving grace. It’s a collage of all the pretty things we wish we could have and it’s your job to make our dreams come true. Use it to your advantage!
Pinterest? I tried that once. Looked up tits, boobs, titties, trannies, jugs, melons, penis, everything! All I found were pictures of your stupid kids and what you ate last night. Make your dreams come true? Right after I roll up on a golf cart and the cut the red ribbon to the liquor store you just opened on your golf course next to the stripper academy.
More like who-gives-a-Shiterest?™ Guys don’t care about some handmade piece of fuck crafted out of garbage from a design someone stole from a repost on Reddit.
22. We’re suckers for romance.
Never ask a girl if she wants flowers, or anything in fact. The answer is simply YES. Of course we do! Especially, if it’s to do with rose petals, candles, dinner and wine.
We’re suckers for suckers. The verb, not the noun.
The last time I gave a girl something I assumed she wanted, it didn’t end well. But she was definitely surprised:“Hey babe after we make sweet love why don’t we heat up some popcorn and watch a moooOOOOOONN RIVVVVEEERRRR!“
23. Cook us dinner.
There’s nothing sexier than a man who knows his way around the kitchen.
And there’s nothing sexier than a woman who won’t complain about the toilet seat being left up.
I primarily know my way around the beer crisper.
24. Things from the heart count.
If you’ve ever thought of making a super sweet gift like a homemade card, scrapbook or a mixed CD and thought, ‘too cheesy’, you’re wrong! It’s a great way of speaking from the heart especially since guys aren’t always so good at it (verbally). We’re guaranteed to love it.
Sounds very Pinteresting. I will keep that in mind never.
I am not wasting good macaroni on a homemade card! Are you out of your fucking mind?!
25. You can’t live without us.
Men often take women for granted, but in reality you’re nothing without us! Who else would take care of you? Play dress up? Make you a better man? Just admit it.
The only thing’s you make are me an alcoholic and food in your magic oven box thing
If men didn’t like T&A so much, we would all be gay and probably better off. There would be bearded smiles all around and tiny piles of change everywhere.
What did I just read? Who was the moron that taught Women how to write? —NPX/RLLD