Contributing Authors: neuroparadox (NPX), ramalamalongdong (RLLD)
Here it is, the article that the 8 people who read this site have wanted for about 6 months. And it’s the moment that we have dreaded ever since we ordered these rations from shady black market eBay dealers. This is going to be our swan song for the MRE testing since we found a new priority in testing bottle after bottle of delicious and refreshing watermelon vodka. It has nothing to do with the smallpox we got from MRE1 and MRE2.
Neither of us smoked or drank before we started this journey…regardless, we are now both meth addicts with severe depression and a crippling dependency to Pepto Bismol. Whenever you see a ‘Support The Troops’ ribbon stuck to the back of an SUV, you’ll know to think of us and all that we have done to our gastrointestinal systems in the name of…uhhhh. Shit. Why did we do this again?
NPX: My Expectations for this whole thing are lower than my Uncle Susan’s T-Cell count.
RLLD: People should wear ribbons to support us through this…
MRE # 7: Russian Whatthefukoff
Contains: Crackers, Matches, several cans of WTF, a priceless Fabregé Egg, Mystery Jelly
Weighing in at a svelte 10 lbs, we were worried about the amount of mystery food we would have to consume. But after realizing that the weight came mostly from the lead packaging that held the food, we breathed a (temporary) sigh of relief.
RLLD: 32? What am I going to do with 32 crackers? I don’t eat 32 GOOD crackers in a year. Why so many? Are these for absorbing all the awful flavor to follow? If so, then I salute these tongue tampons. You bland pieces of shit, I salute thee.
RATING: “These were the ‘Shitz'”
NPX: Gee, are you sure there are enough? There must be a cracker factory somewhere that is making a killing. And speaking of killing, that’s what these crackers are doing to my taste buds. These crackers have less taste than a dead bunny joke at a retard party.
RATING: “Why do I have a feeling that these are the best things that I am going to eat out of this whole package?”
потные шаров (Meat Something?):
NPX: Where to begin? Let’s start with the sickening jelly that surrounds this pile of fetus deletus. I can see it jiggle to the pulse of my fear-induced rapid heartbeat. I am going to skip over the meat jello and go straight for the uhhh beef? I think the only way to describe this lump of skag meat would be to ask you to imagine a blender full of cow tongue, whale penis and Metamucil…with a hint of Bay.
RATING: “I would compare it to SPAM, but that would be insulting to the good name and delicious taste of SPAM.”
RLLD: Is that a bay leaf or did the leaf that covered Adam’s junk find it’s way in here?
RATING: “This is one of those things you eat and whatever creator you believe turns their omnipotent gaze upon you and says, ‘Eww, gross! What that hell is that?'”
растительного рвоты (Vegetables?):
NPX: I don’t like vegetables to begin with unless they are pickled and/or wrapped in bacon. I threw these against a wall and made a Bloody Cary instead (it’s like a Bloody Mary, but with a less faggy name.)
RATING: “I don’t often wish for throat cancer. But when I do, it’s while eating MREs.”
RLLD: NEPELI definition: After Birth surprise. If compost got right chair-faced one night, this is what it’s Sunday morning hangover diarrhea would look like.
RATING: “I always knew Vegans were fucked in the head.”
Семен сыр тунца (Horrible Cheese?):
RLLD: It’s like Cheese Dick/Tuna/Sulfur paste. It has the consistency of a Gym floor and texture of my poop after eating every cracker put in front of me tonight.
RATING: “This cheese and my asshole are really going to show Russia the true meaning of ‘Scorched Earth'”.
NPX: Well I would have lost this bet if someone had asked me to guess what was inside this can. Tuna? Nope. Salmon? Nope. Flaked Light Manatee Asshole? Close, but nope. I don’t know if you’re supposed to eat it or use it as a currency when buying things from mice. The taste does vaguely resemble cheese, unfortunately the texture vaguely resembles a wet scab.
RATING: “It’s like Cheez Whiz’s culture-shocked cousin from a far away land. So yeah, it’s Balki from Perfect Strangers”
три веселых мужчин (Gay Three-way Meat):
RLLD: Oh this delectable morsel would definitely go together beautifully with one of those salt chips that came with this package! Where is the factory that makes this delight, my belly button?
RATING: “The only way this meal will be complete is if I can eat the can for dessert.”
NPX: It smells like an anchovy’s yeast infection and tastes even saltier. I think that the three guys on the can were tourists that stayed at one of those murder hostels and were turned into meat pudding.
RATING: “So there’s a sailor on the left and an army guy to the right…what the hell branch of the military is the shemale in the middle supposed to be in?”
жирная шлюха (Two Cows Stew):
RLLD: This Klingon MRE is the shits. It just keeps getting worse. I mean nothing so far even remotely resembled food. I can’t read the writing, recognize the food, or see the colour green anymore. I’m done. Beware the Klingon WarTurd coming at warp 8.5.
RATING: “Dammit Russia, I’m a doctor, not a toilet bowl!”
NPX: This is the worstest food and haz had the gratest effect on dur langwage senter of muh brain! Durpiddy Doooooo! Numbers smell funny. AHHHH SPACE SNAKES!
RATING: “That’s right, it makes you act like a Newfie.”
осмотическое изюмом (Turd Paste):
RLLD: Lovely. I always wanted to eat the residue in my engine after putting off an oil change for 7 years. This is what you would find if you scraped out the inside of NPX’s lungs.
RATING: “Well played Raisin. Well played.”
NPX: Well how bad can a brown paste that comes from a giant silver ketchup packet be? I have high expectations! Oh shit…I think it’s raisin paste!
мята (Probably not a mint):
RLLD: Here you can see NPX burning the best thing about this meal. The worst part is I was in the bathroom looking for a sharp object, when I could have been in the kitchen putting this in my eye.
RATING: “and for desert… Rehab! Physical, not mental. That comes later.”
NPX: This is either to heat up the tins of awful or to incinerate your taste buds before eating so that everything becomes palatable.
RATING: “The fire made it good!”
MRE # 8: Ukrainian Barbarian
Contains: Crackers & Jam, Chocolate Bar, Lemonade, Almonds, Shit Envelope
Talk about the opposite of the Russian MRE, this Ukrainian fanny pack has a third the amount of awful Euro-food! Fun fact: MRE’s are in fact NOT good forever and all have an expiration date on them. This ones’ was today… No lie.
Crackers and Black Currant Jam:
RLLD: Yea, that looks real good. There’s nothing “currant” about that jam.
RATING: “Should have eaten it. The packing said it was good for one more day.
NPX: The jam had been smooshed in it’s travel from Ukrainia or wherever the fuck, so I wasn’t about to spread the congealed, and now double-poisonous, mess on my crackers….which tasted like a hobo’s taint BTW.
RATING: “And not the good kind of hobo taint.”
Chicken Broth Soup and Cherry Drink:
RLLD: What? These came separately? You dick.
RATING: “So this means that I can still copyright Chicken Cherry Soup?! HECK YES!”
NPX: Liquids are usually the least daunting thing to try so I was ok with a break. The beverage tasted pretty alright after I added some watermelon vodka; the soup, not so much. At least they stick to the basics with coffee machine chicken broth, the MREs never seem to stray outside their wheelhouse. Which is a good thing, because if I every saw something like a curry soup in one of these I would probably slash my wrist with a broken Bruce Cockburn CD.
RATING: “Why does RLLD keep singing about Chicken Cherry Soup? Isn’t that a Savage Garden song?”
Beef with Pearl Barley:
RLLD: I wanted a perogie! The package deceptively resembled one. The only thing dryer than this shit is Kleenex mountain at NPX’s bedside.
RATING: “I’ll take the, hmm, Bratwurst, Chicken Cherry Soup aaaaaand… hmm, oh yes, The Baby Diaper stuffed Perogies”!
NPX: This is the Ukrainian entree? Bullshit! Where are the goddamn perogies and cabbage rolls? Squeezing the meal from the bag feels like massaging a bag full of blended kittens until they slowly poop out onto the plate. Ugh…I don’t even know what it tastes like, but I am pretty sure my stomach is going to sue me for damages. I have 8 other jokes but they all involve Chernobyl.
RATING: “If an Alien suddenly burst forth from my chest, I wouldn’t even be a little surprised.”
NPX: Hrmmm, it looks like chocolate and it smells like chocolate, but for some reason it tastes like RLLD’s crab shampoo.
RATING: “This reminds me of that one time I got herpes.”
RLLD: If Willy Wonka Melted his factory down in a Nigerian village, and wrapped it in plastic this would be the end result.
RATING: ” Zero to stage 3 diabetes in one stupid MRE. Points for naming it ‘Suck a lotta ass’ though”
MRE # 9: French Le Shit
Contains: Crackers of course, Veal, Sweet & Sour Pork, Dessert, Dessert, Dessert, Holy Shit More Dessert
This one mercifully came with a piece of paper that had English translations on it. We wished it hadn’t when we found out what was inside.
NPX: I SURRENDER! hahaha get it?!
RLLD: That piece of paper was flavor relief…
Crackers and Hare Pate:
RLLD: Paint me Black because I officially hate Crackers now. All these fucking crackers have absorbed WAY to much booze for me too be even remotely drunk enough for this!
RATING: “I Pepe le puked at the thought of another cracker.”
NPX: More like “Hair Pate.”
RATING: “Even my camera gagged, hence they blurry photo.”
Chicken Curry Soup:
RLLD: This will go just super with the sweet and sour everything else to come.
RATING: “One order of Hyper Diarrhea coming up!”
NPX: Goddamn it! After just seeing RLLD spray a shart through the eye of a needle, and E. Honda 100 hand-slapping the wall in pain, I am going to drown this fucker in vodka…which actually worked! Delish!
RATING: “Somebody pass me that broken Bruce Cockburn CD.”
Sweet & Sour Pork:
RLLD: My hands are shivering like I slept in a sugary snowbank…
RATING: “How long has my nose been bleeding?”
NPX: They sure took the whole Sweet & Sour thing to a whole new level. First you start with a sweet, awful flavor (kind of like someone farted a pile of powdered sugar into your mouth) which keeps building until, suddenly, KERPOW! The sour makes you its bitch, prison-raping your face until you’re forced to swallow the pork and your pride in one teary-eyed gulp.
RATING: “Half a star for making me forget everything else for a nanosecond.”
Apricot Jelly Bar:
RLLD: Normally, I am allergic to apricots and my throat slams shut when I eat them. This isn’t food, so my throat slammed shut to prevent me from swallowing it…
RATING: “An allergic reaction would be welcome right about now if it gets me out of this. Too bad uncontrollable vomiting is a side effect :(“
NPX: RLLD sure is allergic to a lot of ingredients today…almonds, apricots, crackers, being not gay. The only way to bring him back if he dies is by clapping. Anyway, on with this other fruit…oh, something sweet, this should be a nice change. Perhaps a more accurate name for this would be: “Rotten assfruit roll-up drowned in cocaine-grade sugar.”
RATING: “This is how diabetics commit suicide.”
Veal in Marengo Sauce:
RLLD: This is what my next shit is going to look like. A Gelatinous, tear soaked, sugar-coated piece of rubber that’s going to solve the fly problem by killing them all with diabetes. I poop Candy.
RATING: “Check my toilet for a Golden Wrapper!”
NPX: How about Death in Fuck Off Sauce? My stomach just kicked me in the balls and spit in my face.
RATING: “Just like every woman I’ve ever met.”
Nougat Aux Fruits:
RLLD: MMMMM! This goes great with the bottom of my trash can! I thought this garbage only haunted us at Christmas?
RATING: “Tastes like previously chewed sugary chalk.”
NPX: I love nougat, or, more accurately, I used to love it. Why do the French have to ruin everything I love? Except for three-ways, they kind of nailed that one.
RATING: “Nougie Howser, M.D. just euthanized my palette.”
RLLD: Ugh. I shouldn’t have finished the one actual dinnerish meal and maybe I could have gone to bed without any desert. Let’s get this straight; I am lactose intolerant, I hate sweets almost as much as the French, yet here I sit at the Willy Wonka buffet line. If you went to candyland, this would be its equivalent to an Indian Reserve.
RATING: “This had better be the end of the candy.”
NPX: How do you mess up pudding?! Bill Cosby is rolling around in his grave. He’s dead right? If not he should be to make my joke work.
Caramels and Dark Chocolate:
RLLD: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck! Did the French run because they were hyper and needed to burn off energy!? I haven’t seen this much candy in one place since before NPX tinted the windows in his trunk.
RATING: “My eye’s are bleeding. By no means is this good at all…”
NPX: Does that box say Dupont? Is this another edible oil product like Cool Whip? If it is, something’s wrong because these caramels are hard than my dick at a Japanese Sorority Popsicle Licking contest. I used the darker-than-the-porn-I-watch chocolate to grout the cracks in my teeth.
RATING: “Thanks the dark lord that this is the last one! Time for our closing thoughts…”
MRE # 10: 38 Year Old Vietnam War MRE!
Contains: Poison, Ears, Sadness, Smokes!
Wait. What? Fuccccccckkkkkkk! Seriously?! This is from 1974?! Fuuuuuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!
RATING: “Not even if it meant keeping women out of office… well maybe”
NPX: What. In. The. Fuck?
RATING: “I am too scared to write anything funny.”
Crackers and Chocolate Disk:
RLLD: Awwww, these don’t look half bad. Too bad I swore I’d never eat another fucking cracker again ever!”
RATING: “I wouldn’t give these to the homeless! …nor change! …nor real food! …nor the time!”
NPX: More poisonous almonds for RLLD to choke on? Count me in!
RATING: “Quick, someone give him Ass To Mouth!”
NPX: Apparently pineapple turns into crude oil if you leave it for 40 years. I wonder if the same will happen to all the barrels of hooker meat that keep RLLD’s houseboat afloat?
RATING: “When you stare into the pineapple, the pineapple stares back at you.” —Nietzsche
RLLD: Ya, like fuck.
RATING: “YOU WILL DIE!” —Google
Chopped Ham & Eggs:
RLLD: No I will not eat them in a boat, no they won’t go near my throat. Screw you uncle Sam, I will not eat what you call Eggs and Chopped Ham.
RATING: “First let me staple my genitals to my leg”
NPX: Well it smells like a mass grave, so I guess that counts for something.
RATING: “I think a ghost flew out when I opened this.”
Newport Menthol Smokes:
RLLD: Finally, a breath of fresh air in this garbage! Wait…
RATING: “I love the smell of my own lungs in the morning!”
NPX: Holy shit I am excited! I have never seen someone get cancer right in front of me before!
RATING: “Minty, with a hinty of napalm.”
RLLD: This was the worst day of my life in my mouth. I want to wash this down with a beer and then eat the bottle. A nice broken glass salad, topped with batteries and a Draino vinaigrette is the only way to complete this debacle.
NPX: I’m never eating again.
Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo
boooooo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo
bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aah aah aah aah