69 Reasons Howie Mandel Sucks

Every week I PVR a show that just happens to precede Howie Do It; Howie Mandel’s Candid Camera-esque TV abortion.
And every week I catch the first 5 or so minutes of it due to the PVR overlap.  Words can hardly express the disdain that I feel for this show.

Last week he opened the show with this knee slapper:
“Like a lot of people I try and keep in shape, and the shape I’ve chosen is a triangle!”
And instead of the sound of a million crickets committing mass suicide, the camera jump-cuts to an audience of hundreds howling with laughter.

There is no amount of vodka or gasoline I could smash into my face to make my ears drunk enough to not hate this show.
Here, in no particular order, are some things I would rather do than subject myself to this televised war crime.

“Bring it on you square. HA! GET IT!? ZINNNNNG!”
  1. Get fart gang-banged by some Mexican elephants.
  2. Talk about macroeconomics with Paris Hilton.
  3. Lick the toilet seat in an Arby’s bathroom.
  4. Go on a date with John Travolta without a chaperone.
  5. Eat my iPad.
  6. Make slow, Kama Sutra love to a slutty porcupine.
  7. Slam my dick in a car door while it speeds away.
  8. Upvote every comment on Reddit for a day.

    "All your opinions and statements are well-formed and have credible sources."
    “All your opinions and statements are poignant, on-topic, well-formed and have credible sources. Kudos on having ever thread devolve into pop culture references and awful wordplay within mere minutes.”
  9. Actually go to the gym instead of just paying $60 a month to say I have a membership.
  10. Stuff a duck inside a chicken inside a turkey inside my ass: Turfucken.
  11. Sober up.
  12. Sit front row at a Justin Bieber concert, featuring special guests Nickelback and Lil Jon.
  13. Saw my dick off using my grandmother’s dentures.
  14. Have pre-marital sex with a goat…then marry the goat and have more goat sex.
  15. Start intensely watching and following all things NASCAR.
  16. Furiously masturbate to the images that pop up after Googling “penis trauma”
  17. Make tea from the yoga pants worn during a beginner’s class.

    "That is a very good Upward-facing Pile, Ladasha!"
    “That is a very good Upward-facing Pile, Ladasha!”
  18. Have a clapping contest with a potato.
  19. Ask a woman how her day was, and then listen to what follows.
  20. Tell a cop he’s too much of a pussy to taser my ballsack.
  21. Drink a gallon of Ryan Seacrest’s steamy urine.
  22. Cry.
  23. Milk Peter North’s prostate while he’s facing me.
  24. Convert to one of the crazier fringe religions (like Christianity.)
  25. Have someone spoil Game of Thrones for me..
  26. Tell Michael Bay what a good job he is doing remaking my favorite childhood cartoons.
  27. Dine on some authentic English cuisine.

    "So it's just animal's blood and random filler?  Delicious."
    “So it’s just animal’s blood and random filler? Delicious.”
  28. Go to jail in San Fransisco.
  29. Blog about what I really do on the internet.
  30. Donate to a charity involving kids or dogs.
  31. Volunteer to be a big brother.
  32. Sleep through a Led Zeppelin reunion concert.
  33. Become a VJ.
  34. Become a roller derby coach.
  35. Give myself a tattoo on my forehead, while teaching an asian woman how to drive…in the winter.
  36. Listen to Glenn Beck or Nancy Grace being a retard for 44 minutes.
  37. Put my teeth in net for a hockey game.
  38. Bet on an Edmonton Oilers playoff run.

    It’s OK, they won a bunch of cups 25 years ago so it doesn’t matter that they suck the fuck now apparently.
  39. Go skinny dipping in a medical waste bin.
  40. Open up my own dry cleaning service specializing in turbans.
  41. Shave Ron Jeremy’s body with my mouth.
  42. Be in a room with a bunch of balloons (I hate balloons).
  43. Catch my nutsack in the zipper of a sleeping bag and keep on zippin’.
  44. Buy an extra 5 moves for $0.99 every time I die in Candy Crush.
  45. Drink a shot of ear wax every time I die in Flappy Bird.
  46. Never wipe again.
  47. Have my Google search history posted to facebook.
  48. Take a dump in a sauna and then just hang out there for a bit.
  49. Manhattan Transfer with Andre the Giant.
  50. Start every sentence with “I’m not racist, but” for a day.
  51. Learn the rules of Cricket.

    To answer your question, NO!
    To answer your question, NO!
  52. Stuff a roll of Mentos up my ass, then butt-chug a diet coke.
  53. Flush my tongue down the toilet.
  54. Let Woody Allen babysit my kid sister.
  55. Join a mail order Rape of the Month club.
  56. Second Circumcision.
  57. Snort a line of pop rocks mixed with salt.
  58. Use my dong as a bong.
  59. Make fun of Ken and Ryu for being total gay boys.

    Ryu vs. Ken vs. Society
    “Let’s fist each other and then let’s fist this jerk a lesson!”
  60. Get herpes from Snooki.
  61. Tyler Perry movie marathon.
  62. Lick a weird turtle penis.
  63. Create a glory hole ad on Craig’s List (and follow through.)
  64. Never eat bacon again.
  65. Never have sex again.
  66. Never have sex with bacon again
  67. Hang out with Andy Dick, Pauly Shore and a pound of blow at Lilith Fair.
  68. Eat the contents of the garbage in a woman’s bathroom.
  69. Poop in a bag and paint a face on the bag; become best friends with poop bag.

    “BEST FRIENDS 4EVERRRRRRR!”

Howie on my screen;
Tears from sadness, not laughter.
LOL is dead.
     —NPX/RLLD

Note: I hope the list format for articles is running its course. In the past we here at the Space Boner were just as much to blame for proliferating their frequency, but I think in this instance it complements the intent of this article: to relay my utter revulsion towards anything Howie.
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One thought on “69 Reasons Howie Mandel Sucks

  1. I would totally go to Lilith Fair with Pauly Shore and Andy Dick…let THEM buy the blow…make off handed and slightly confusing fag references to Andy Dick and watch all the lesbians hit on Pauly Shore thinking he’s a tranny and chant “play its a Man’s World”!!

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