Every week I PVR a show that just happens to precede Howie Do It; Howie Mandel’s Candid Camera-esque TV abortion.
And every week I catch the first 5 or so minutes of it due to the PVR overlap. Words can hardly express the disdain that I feel for this show.
Last week he opened the show with this knee slapper:
“Like a lot of people I try and keep in shape, and the shape I’ve chosen is a triangle!”
And instead of the sound of a million crickets committing mass suicide, the camera jump-cuts to an audience of hundreds howling with laughter.
There is no amount of vodka or gasoline I could smash into my face to make my ears drunk enough to not hate this show.
Here, in no particular order, are some things I would rather do than subject myself to this televised war crime.
- Get fart gang-banged by some Mexican elephants.
- Talk about macroeconomics with Paris Hilton.
- Lick the toilet seat in an Arby’s bathroom.
- Go on a date with John Travolta without a chaperone.
- Eat my iPad.
- Make slow, Kama Sutra love to a slutty porcupine.
- Slam my dick in a car door while it speeds away.
- Upvote every comment on Reddit for a day.
- Actually go to the gym instead of just paying $60 a month to say I have a membership.
- Stuff a duck inside a chicken inside a turkey inside my ass: Turfucken.
- Sober up.
- Sit front row at a Justin Bieber concert, featuring special guests Nickelback and Lil Jon.
- Saw my dick off using my grandmother’s dentures.
- Have pre-marital sex with a goat…then marry the goat and have more goat sex.
- Start intensely watching and following all things NASCAR.
- Furiously masturbate to the images that pop up after Googling “penis trauma”
- Make tea from the yoga pants worn during a beginner’s class.
- Have a clapping contest with a potato.
- Ask a woman how her day was, and then listen to what follows.
- Tell a cop he’s too much of a pussy to taser my ballsack.
- Drink a gallon of Ryan Seacrest’s steamy urine.
- Milk Peter North’s prostate while he’s facing me.
- Convert to one of the crazier fringe religions (like Christianity.)
- Have someone spoil Game of Thrones for me..
- Tell Michael Bay what a good job he is doing remaking my favorite childhood cartoons.
- Dine on some authentic English cuisine.
- Go to jail in San Fransisco.
- Blog about what I really do on the internet.
- Donate to a charity involving kids or dogs.
- Volunteer to be a big brother.
- Sleep through a Led Zeppelin reunion concert.
- Become a VJ.
- Become a roller derby coach.
- Give myself a tattoo on my forehead, while teaching an asian woman how to drive…in the winter.
- Listen to Glenn Beck or Nancy Grace being a retard for 44 minutes.
- Put my teeth in net for a hockey game.
- Bet on an Edmonton Oilers playoff run.
- Go skinny dipping in a medical waste bin.
- Open up my own dry cleaning service specializing in turbans.
- Shave Ron Jeremy’s body with my mouth.
- Be in a room with a bunch of balloons (I hate balloons).
- Catch my nutsack in the zipper of a sleeping bag and keep on zippin’.
- Buy an extra 5 moves for $0.99 every time I die in Candy Crush.
- Drink a shot of ear wax every time I die in Flappy Bird.
- Never wipe again.
- Have my Google search history posted to facebook.
- Take a dump in a sauna and then just hang out there for a bit.
- Manhattan Transfer with Andre the Giant.
- Start every sentence with “I’m not racist, but” for a day.
- Learn the rules of Cricket.
- Stuff a roll of Mentos up my ass, then butt-chug a diet coke.
- Flush my tongue down the toilet.
- Let Woody Allen babysit my kid sister.
- Join a mail order Rape of the Month club.
- Second Circumcision.
- Snort a line of pop rocks mixed with salt.
- Use my dong as a bong.
- Make fun of Ken and Ryu for being total gay boys.
- Get herpes from Snooki.
- Tyler Perry movie marathon.
- Lick a weird turtle penis.
- Create a glory hole ad on Craig’s List (and follow through.)
- Never eat bacon again.
- Never have sex again.
- Never have sex with bacon again
- Hang out with Andy Dick, Pauly Shore and a pound of blow at Lilith Fair.
- Eat the contents of the garbage in a woman’s bathroom.
- Poop in a bag and paint a face on the bag; become best friends with poop bag.
Howie on my screen;
Tears from sadness, not laughter.
LOL is dead.