For Sale: Awesomeness.

I recently posted an ad on kijiji to sell my car and figured it belongs here as well.  I had to bowdlerize the wording a bit so it wouldn’t explode the site’s explicit content filter.  Enjoy.

I’m moving to Regina so it is time to sell my hot-rod and buy a truck for the frigid winters and women that await me there. But this is good news for you!

This car has been baby-ed and is in mint condition.  Less than 17,000km and was only driven during the heartbeat that is an Edmonton summer. The car has only seen cold and ice when I load a cooler full of beer in the trunk/passenger seat.

The Challenger (and myself) are both fully-loaded:
Auto transmission with manual (wife)slap shift.
3 hooker trunk space (when sub-woofers removed)

Full leather, sunroof, power everything.
Sun roof, 5.7L V8 HEMI 370 HP (well over 400 with all the mods)

Diablosport Trinity LCD performance tuner so you can customize whatever you want to suit your driving style, has more options than a Thai brothel.

Electronic Exhaust Dumps!
  This is my favorite, press a switch and the exhaust manifold switches over to straight pipe and bypasses the mufflers.  The result is a roaring engine that sets off poorer people’s car alarms as you rip past them scaring their children.

Custom interior upholstery:  see the pics for the bitchin’ stitchin’ custom ordered from the land of deep-fried everything, Murica!

Pistol-grip Smith & Wesson shifter:
legally entitles you to make pew pew pew noises while passing slower people, aka everyone else.

Police Countermeasures:  A portable Passport II radar detector that is wired directly into the rearview mirror so there are no cords showing.  It also can run on batteries if you can put it in your work truck in the winter.  No more shitting your pants to get out of traffic violations.

Free Oil Changes and Maintenance Foreverish: I paid for a transferable package that includes free oil and standard maintenance on the car every 6 months or 5,000km you just have to take it to Dodge.  I usually get synthetic oil and pay the difference which is like $25 if I remember correctly.  $80 additional for happy endings from an oily, weathered mechanic.

Roadside Assist: The above package includes Dodge’s roadside assist package so you can toss your AMA card into a fire.

AirRaid Cold Air intake and throttle body spacer: Makes air your bitch.

Custom Blood Red Caliper Paint: I don’t know if they do anything but look cool, braking is for pussies.

Dual 12” MTX subwoofers and amp: Bass so deep that James Earl Jones is filing a lawsuit. These speakers blow harder than your crazy ex’s wandering mouth.

Custom floormats with my name on them: You probably don’t want these unless you are going to name the car after me…hint hint.

Extras: Various decals and an even cooler hood badge that I was eventually going to install but haven’t yet.

Chrome Engine parts and other shiny things: Custom oil/rad caps, fuse-box cover and other cool touches like that bought from the folks at billet technology

Chrome Catch Can: Keep the oil out of your airflow and use it to marinate your steak.

Custom front grills and functional hood scoops: Makes it look like old-school muscle and the scoops keep the engine cooler than a penguin’s dick sack.

Stereo comes preloaded with Led Zeppelin, ACDC and Metallica and zero Nickelback.

This car is guaranteed to blow the skirt (or leather chaps, I don’t judge) off of whomever you are trying to impress.

You really have to see how pants-swellingly amazing this ride is.

 

Ten Dollar Blowjob?!
I’m not going to pay AND
suck your dick, Uncle.
     —NPX

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