Saturday, May 10th marked the day of Cary’s second to last hangover in Edmonton/Going away party.
Where’s he going? Ha ha Regina.
This party was as much about easing the blow of the worst decision of his life, as it was us celebrating the impending increase in our quality of life!
I’ve personally compiled a list of things that are going to change in my life/our lives. But mostly my life because in the immortal words of Cary Williams, “Pfft, fuck those guys.”
Number 1: I will finally be in a position to save money. I am excited now that I don’t have to balance my check book to accommodate for cab rides, and 750 bucks a week in drinking. RRSP’s here we come!
(Note: Weekly binges will be replaced with quarterly trips to places that will make this point moot. – Ed)
Number 2: Minus drinking, will lead to better health! No more mystery drugs from Mexico. No more illegal drugs bought online. No more getting clawed like a girl from his shitty fingers. No more immature facebook posts on our walls from that huge phone jacking man child.
Number 3: Fun. No more fun. Definition of fun. See above.
Number 4: No more being envious of someone making a living only working 3 days a week.
Number 5: Papa John will have to move home with Grandma and Grandpa John to make ends meet now that he can’t count on NPX’s weekly Sunday ritual of ordering 1200 bucks worth of pizza to stare at. Also expected is a large increase in delivery costs. Possibly by white people.
Number 6: Jox and O2’s days are numbered. No love lost here, but it will be sad to see them shut their doors thanks to not having NPX’s bar tabs to pay their utilities now.
Number 7: I’ll really have to start taking care of myself now that I no longer have someone to look at and be like “meh… things could be worse.”
Number 8: No more worry of risqué pictures being taken of you at your worst.
Number 9: No more Carilyzers, Carylyzers, Carylizers, whatever the fuck they’re called. This dreadful concoction of cheap Vodka and liquid diabetic shit goes with him! Unfortunately, all of his STI’s won’t be leaving. Sorry ladies. Which leads me to number 10!
Number 10: Alberta will go from the 10th unhealthiest province to the first! With large drops in Hep A and B, Sifilus, Gonorrhea, Herpes and back pain, it’s as though the citizens of the province are turning over a fitness leaf!
…in other news Saskatchewan is now 10th. Not counting the reservations to the north. Who can’t read this anyway. (because they’re illiterate. Get it? HAHA GET IT!?)
Anyway, I am sure you can all make up your own lists but I had to come up with something to send out with his party invitation.
A Goodbye Haiku
I can’t believe you’re moving
or that you’re alive
Question is… what’s next for me?