Cosmopolitan is infamous for giving terrible sex advice and having unrealistic expectations of beauty, relationships, and pretty much everything else.  So when they put this article on their website I felt the need to clarify the “tips” for people who live in reality.
The original article’s suggestions are quoted below followed by my fair, unbiased, and respectful opinions.  Now, let’s see what these dipshits have to say:

 

Sneak Up Behind Him

“Blow his mind with this sneaky move: Stand behind him and stroke his penis. This positions your palm flat against his member’s sensitive underside, the same way he grips it when he masturbates. Then do a few things he can’t do himself, like whisper in his ear or kiss his back.”

What it’s really saying: Grab his cock in a way that he doesn’t have to look at you…and try not to talk too much.

What would really happen: Sneaking up behind a guy and grabbing his junk is a quicker way to catching an elbow to the chin than trying to get a rebound from a 6’4″ point guard.

Get Naked Too

“There’s a good chance that your guy has never feasted his eyes on your completely bare bod for more than a few seconds. Maybe it’s because you undress quickly in a passion frenzy or your bodies are too close for him to really take you in. But letting him stare at you in the buff is a surefire libido trigger.”

What it’s really saying:  You’re questioning whether he thinks you are fat or not and use his boner as the polygraph.

What would really happen:  Every time he looks at you he looks for that 7/10 he met at the bar and folded his limp pee cannon into.  Now all that’s left is a Match.com account and reason to drink on weeknights.

Let Him Be an Animal

“Initiate a primal move that fuels his frisky craving. Give him an animalistic challenge by having standing sex. Let him hold you up against the wall with your legs wrapped around his lower back. He’ll be in the aggressor role since he’s holding you up with his arms and lower bod, and he also gets the visual thrill of watching your breasts bounce during the act.”

What it’s really saying: Make him do all the work!

What would really happen: You can’t spell animal without A-N-A-L.

Break Out the Blindfold

“Once you have him going crazy not knowing where your next lick, kiss, or stroke will land, treat your blindfolded boy to a slew of new sensations. Three to try: the feel of your hair, silk panties, or a string of pearls rubbed gently against his member.”

What it’s really saying: Blind him, throw your dirty laundry on him, and flog him with spherical jewelry.

What would really happen: 2/10: “We aren’t doing that.” 1/10:”I’m scared of the dark.” 3/10: Fall asleep.  4/10: Imagine you’re someone else once the blindfold is on.

Climb on Top

“The majority of the dudes we polled in our most recent sex survey picked woman-on-top as their number-one nooky style. Bonus: This position can be very intimate since your faces are touching and you can slide your arms around each other so you’re superclose. It’s also a great method for delaying his orgasm a little longer.”

What it’s really saying: Have sex.  Thanks, Cosmo.

What would really happen: Sex would be had.

Take a Sensual Shower

“Steam up your bathroom mirror by standing this close together in the shower. Add the water pouring over you, and this is a perfect position for lots of wet, passionate kissing. You can also gaze into each other’s eyes, further boosting the intimacy factor.”

What it’s really saying: Invade his personal space in a room where the shower drain has had more of his semen in it than you ever will.

What would really happen: You gonna get peed on.

Find His G-Spot

“A guy’s prostate — the walnut-size gland under his bladder — is the ultimate magic button to push if you want to blow his mind in bed. To tantalize it, partway through oral sex or intercourse, rest two fingers against the swath of skin between his testicles and anus.”

What it’s really saying: If you let him do it to you, why not try to do it to him!

What would really happen: If you really want to find out what happens, please e-mail neuroparadox@hotmail.com.  A plane ticket to Regina will be purchased for you (and your adolescent sister).

Give Him a New Number

“No doubt, you’re intimately acquainted with 69. Now may we introduce you to 77? The number refers to the way you and your partner’s bodies look when they meld together in this side-entry position. The unique angling practically guides his, uh, missile to your G-spot.”

What it’s really saying: The Cuban missile crisis was a pivotal point in the Cold War.  Also, math is fun!

What would really happen: About 12 seconds of side-to-side sex before the woman gets rolled into doggy style.

Find a New Favorite Spot

“Steam things up at home by moving outside the bedroom and doing it on top of a sturdy table, kitchen counter, bathroom sink, or hood of a car that’s parked in your garage.”

What it’s really saying: Make the entire house smell weird and dent up his Mercedes.

What would really happen: Does any woman want to have sex in the kitchen?  I mean they spend most of the day there already…

Massage His Backside

“Take oral sex to a whole new level by caressing his butt cheeks as you’re going down on him. Double his pleasure with the synchronized motions that let you control the pacing.”

What it’s really saying: Don’t use your hands and try to go as deep as you can.  (Note: this entry was written by a man, could you tell?)

What would really happen: Other than maybe getting some unsightly arse hair under your gel nails, this actually sounds pretty good.

Turn Him into a Buffet

“Incorporating food into your passion play is a classic carnal activity. Take a few of your favorite erotically appealing flavor combinations, like peanut butter and honey or whipped cream and chocolate sauce, and mix up yummy treats all over his body.”

What it’s really saying: He’s had a long day, make him something to eat.

What would really happen: He would watch the game after dinner and fall asleep in his favorite chair.

Boss Him Around

“Tell him what you want him to do without saying a word. Wrap your hand around one of his fingers or his penis, and when he does something you particularly like, give a squeeze.”

What it’s really saying: Shut your goddamned mouth.

What would really happen: I can’t see this ever happening.

Give Him a Peep Show

“Turn your attention downstairs for some self-stimulation and leave the invitation open for him to take over. Whether he joins in or not, guys love to watch, so it’s a win-win situation.”

What it’s really saying: Show him what he’s been doing wrong and what you sound like when you aren’t faking it.

What would really happen: Tinder would be downloaded in the very near future.

Make Him Beg

“Kiss and  lick your way down his torso, stopping short of his penis, then give him a smile and work your way back up. Repeat several times until he begs for mercy.”

What it’s really saying: Tease him until he dick slaps you.

What would really happen: You would get dick-slapped so hard it that you’d think it was a Mortal Kombat Fatality.

Treat Him to Don’t-Lift-a-Finger Sex

“Indulge him with low-maintenance sex (where all he has to do is unzip his fly, if that) by sliding onto his lap in reverse cowgirl position with your hands balanced on his thighs for support. Much like doggie-style, he’ll be able to revel in watching your tush and touching your breasts — but without expending any lower-body energy.”

What it’s really saying: Make it the most awkward Thanksgiving dinner yet!

What would really happen: Uncle Ryan would try to make it an Eiffel Tower.

Talk Dirty to Him

“Start off with a purr or an mmmm, or simply breathe heavily. Then up the erotic ante by whispering, ‘So…what do you want to do now?'”

What it’s really saying: Incessantly ask him questions…I don’t see how this differs from any other situation.

What would really happen: You would hear the responses: “I don’t know” and “nothing” a bunch of times I bet.

Make Him Long for Your Lips

“A fabulous kiss is an intricate balancing act involving tongue technique, pressure control, and moistness monitoring. Invade his space with a tantalizing kiss-me telegram.”

What it’s really saying: I am not sure…I think someone mixed up kissing with aviation safety protocol for this pointer.

What would really happen:  Safe take-off and landing with little turbulence; 4 stars on tripadvisor.com

Play No-Hands Nooky

“Tell him to keep his hands to himself. You can explore each other’s bodies with your lips, tongues, and breath.”

What it’s really saying: Mash your bodies together like slugs and flop around.

What would really happen: 30 seconds of blowjobby before we have to keep the hair from getting into your mouth. (Note: DO NOT google image search “hair in mouth.” Like, ever.)

Taunt Him

“A little torture builds a man’s anticipation so that when you finally do pounce, every touch is extra delicious. As things get going, pull your thong aside for him to enter you. You’ll drive him crazy because he can’t see every last inch of your body.”

What it’s really saying:  Call him fat, open all his Funko Pop! figurines and fuck his best friend. (I only read the first three words.)

What would really happen: This happens every Friday anyway.

Enlighten Him

“Tantra is the exotic art of prolonging your passion to reach new levels of satisfaction. Launch your night of lust  by gently massaging his ear with your fingertips, working your way down the outer fold. Then run your pinkie along the crease where his ear connects to his head and ever-so-slowly prod the middle of his sexually susceptible inner ear with the tip of your tongue.”

What it’s really saying: Tantra = ear sex.  Ear, ear ear (ear).

What would really happen: At least he’ll definitely be able to hear you trying too hard.

Get Dirty with Him in the Tub

“A soak in the tub always feels incredible, but the sensual thrills quadruple when you invite your man in for some rub-a-dub action. Take turns slowly lathering each other up with a soft, natural sea sponge, tracing slow, sexy circles around your breasts, belly, and inner thighs, and get ready to fog up the mirror.”

What it’s really saying: Take away his only alone time, since that’s the only time he can check his secret online dating accounts!

What would really happen: Still gonna get peed on.

Tie Him Up

“Even a plain scarf can make him see stars if you use the right technique. Take a long silk wrap, place it around his main man and the boys, and tie it in a large square knot, leaving about a foot of fabric on either end to hold on to. As you’re riding him, pull on the free ends so that the knot rubs against your clitoris.”

What it’s really saying: Learn how to tie knots, treat him like a woman, then fuck the knot.

What would really happen: You’d have to tie  guy up to get away with this, I hope your sheepshank holds.

Imply That He’s a Stud

“Spark his ego by letting him know you want him sexually with a coy compliment. Letting him in on your longing for him jump-starts his own desire.”

What it’s really saying: Tell him that you noticed how he barely had any skidmarks in his underwear this week.

What would really happen: You would compliment him then get secretly angry when he didn’t say something nice back.

Make Him Hot, Then Cold

“Cooling off your guy’s steamy body actually gets him hotter. Make his satisfaction skyrocket by turning him on to deliciously unexpected strokes, pressure, and temperature changes. Try the classic ice-cube trick to make him shiver with excitement. Have him lie on his back, hold a cube in your hand, and slowly draw an icy line from his neck all the way down his body.”

What it’s really saying: Put cigarettes out on him then throw snowballs at the resulting 3rd degree burns.

What would really happen: Putting ice anywhere near a man’s dick is a neat way to watch it quickly retreat up inside the body where it is warm and there are no cold-handed idiots.

Seduce Him

“Be direct by saying something like “I want to have sex with you.” The straightforward approach is not merely about saving time (although it does have a way of cutting to the chase), it’s about giving yourself the opportunity to display extreme sexual confidence, to advertise yourself as a person who assumes that whatever she wants, she can have.”

What it’s really saying: Act like a slut.  Why not just nod and point to your vagina?

What would really happen: Well, it’s probably gonna work.  We are not made of stone.

Toy with Him

“Stock up on some sex toys. Velvet-lined handcuffs can be exciting, and they don’t hurt like the metal ones do. And you can never go wrong with a vibrator. Ask him to buzz it against your clitoris or tell him simply to sit back and watch you handle it. “

What it’s really saying: Show him your tickle trunk!

What would really happen: Bringing sex toys to bed is like bringing McNuggets to a steak dinner, a few are fun and a nice contrast but too many and you’ll wonder if the steak is even necessary.

Rev Him Up for Round 2

“Your mattress moves are sizzling enough for a sequel! Lead him back to the sweet spot by telling him how good he makes you feel. And, this time your orgasm will be even hotter.”

What it’s really saying: He didn’t satisfy you the first time.

What would really happen: “Listen, I gotta get up pretty early tomorrow so…”

Let Him Climb on Top

“Spice up missionary style and feel superdeep penetration by drawing your knees toward your chest and grasping the back of your thighs. You can also place the soles of your feet on his chest or, if you’re really flexible, prop your ankles or legs up on his shoulders.”

What it’s really saying: Have sex again!  Brilliant!

What would really happen: As long as you can still tighten the noose around our necks the moment we climax, then we don’t care what you do with your stupid legs.

Play Rough

“Guys tend to be tougher than us, so feel free to  manhandle. Pinch his nipples (an often-overlooked nerve center), scratch your nails down his back, or massage his chest.”

What it’s really saying: Find out if you like being slapped and not apologized to!

What would really happen: You’re going to find out very quickly how much your guy likes or (more likely) hates this.

Make It a Quickie

“Once you’ve launched his rocket in  five minutes flat, he’ll be willing to do just about anything for you.”

What it’s really saying: Find out how quick a quickie really is.

What would really happen: 5 Minutes?!  I hope that includes making a soft-boiled egg for him to enjoy when you are your way out.

Tazer my nutsack;
punch taint, spit in eyes…I guess
not ALL the tips suck.
     —NPX/RLLD