In the beginning, there was nothing
then came everything else
and then came Lance getting his driver’s license.
Before you all shit your pants in amazement, I want to congratulate Lance as he passed his test with flying colour (singular). For years he was a believer in public transit, cabs, Ganesh, and relegating himself to the back, middle seat in other people’s cars. The only thing that spent more time riding in the back seat of a car are the belts only pussies use.
All the power to him though for keeping all of his distant and not distant enough bloodline in business all these years, before finally deciding to bite the bullet and get his license. Lance bearing first hand witness to more potential DUI’s than Lindsay Lohan’s liver probably offered somewhat of a motivation for him to finally getting his license. Still, we find comfort in knowing that our rides home are safely in the hands of a guy who can get drunk off the breath of his friends.
During the very first time ever that I was a passenger in the Lancemobile, I expressed my excitement and confidence in him being the DD for the rest of his life. Here is a recap of the conversation:
Lance: “I don’t mind driving you guys home, but you can’t let me drink too much.”
RLLD: “Don’t worry, whats the worst that’s going to happen? You’re going to lose a license you’ve barely had? You probably still have a valid bus pass!”
Don’t worry Lance. I hear the way to get out of a ticket is confidence and do what they say.
So, since we have “rides for life” with our good friend Lance, we thought we should have compiled a list of vehicles that would fit him, and the most obnoxious drunks he knows! …buuuuuut because I am so lazy he’s bought his car already and this list is now a past tense list. (You couldn’t have waited another 3 months, Lance? – RLLD)
So without further ado, option number 1 on the list of vehicles Lance should have hired a stranger to negotiate a deal for him to buy iiiiiiis
The Delorian! I say “THE” because I don’t mean that piece of shit hosted on all those “most dangerous cars to drive” list, but rather I mean THE Delorian from the film Back to the Future, starring Michael J Fox.
The big selling feature behind this car is that it A: Runs on garbage. So if he ever got it to his home country, he’d have an indefinite fuel supply, and B: It can travel through time when it hits 88 MPH.
Clearly, this car is modified heavily from it’s original factory, human killing design, so any further modifications wouldn’t be necessary. Not like that’s ever stopped Lance from fucking with something before though. Like the time he attempted to modify his LED alarm clock that now only tells time in electrical fires.
So, all Doc Brown jokes aside (get it!?) this is the car for Lance, because as intelligent as he is, not ALL of his technological exploits go according to plan. So if the worst comes to worst he can at least rehash a classic series. “Lance Drives His Drunk Friends Back from the Bar to the Future!” It stars all his shitty friends and the plot is pretty much us getting as fucked up as possible until we get kicked out of the bar. From there we pile into/onto the Delorian, hit 88 mph in the parking lot, and go back in time (hours away from our tab) to happy hour and get record breaking drunk(er).
I smell an Oscar!
…and pee soaked Levi’s.
Option 2: De-poor-ian
After spending all his money on HGH and mail-order flashlights that you can have sex with, there might not be a lot of money left in the coffers…so we might have to improvise a budget version of the Delorian.
Vroom! Vroom! If this piece of shit can get up to 88MPH I will suck my own dick to completion. At least we found a use for the box his full-sized body pillow (with a picture of a foxy lady on it) came in.
Option 3: Pussy Mobile
This car would have been number one if not for the fact that there is no room for us to drunkenly navigate Lance from bar to (strip) bar. Plus, there is no trunk so where are the woman supposed to suffocate?!
This looks like the kind of car you would get from a Japanese game show…if you lost.
Option 4: Mobile Bar
Since he is going to be driving us around for the rest of our short, bloated, cirrhosis-ridden lives we may as well do it in style.
Unless this requires some sort of special driver’s license, by the time he got that we would need to install a wheel chair ramp for RLLD and a coffin for NPX.
Option 5: Overcompensate
With any luck his Magoo-esque depth perception will cause him to run his date over before she can find out what exactly he’s compensating for. (Word on the street is that it’s for a mammoth-like penis; hopefully that means big and not just really, really hairy.)
Though, that question may already be answered by the fact that the street that this word is coming from is Sesame Street.
Option 6: Mobile
Rape Fun Van
This seems like the most practical for us…assuming that it runs on Red Bull and menthol cigarettes…much like NPX does.
The front windows aren’t blacked-out (unlike the passengers), that have just spilled (read: projectile vomited) Jägermeister all over them… which, by the way, is about the second worse drink you can have in a pub.
Option 7: Stereotypikaballah
If anyone was waiting for me to put down a Yellow Cab, all I can say is you’re a bunch of racist pricks. Cabs come in lots of colours!
Just ask any of Lance’s 43 cousins, and 15 uncles if you don’t believe me.
You got your license;
One small step for small mankind.
Now get a girlfriend!
PS: This is your xmas present.