8 Bizarre Findings in My New Camera’s Instruction Manual

Stupid warnings are common place today.  Mostly because people are morons and have to be told that Red Bull’s delicious and heart-attacky drink will not literally give you wings.
This is also the reason that you will find pictures of rotting teeth and sick babies on cigarette packs.  There is no need for that!  It’s a well-known fact that cigarettes are very high in sugar and that babies and hummingbirds love to smoke (probably because of the high sugar content now that I think of it).
But I digress.  This post is just about some messed up things I spied in my camera’s operations manual.  If you’ve seen any stupid warnings or instructions, drop a link in the comments.

1.

What if the basement isn't wet from water...

That’s great.  Don’t give any example of what attachments may cause hazards (unauthorized wrist strap?) but give 6 examples of what can hold water.
Gee, thanks manual but you forgot to mention toilet, hot tub, cup, stand-up shower, moist toilettes, Kamino, wet dogs, wet cats, Mexicans, melted ice, otters, whale blow-holes, a hollowed-out dwarf skull, zip-loc baggie, Super Mario Bros. level 2-2, clouds, Cytherea, and two hands cupped-together to form a rudimentary chalice.

2.

I wonder what it says at funerals.

Of course! Because how else would I know it’s someones birthday?  After all, I am probably only taking their picture at their birthday party.  Thanks for the quick reminder…on every single photo.  This might be handy if I had Alzheimer’s:
“Look, it’s little Timmy’s birthday!”
“Dad, that’s a picture of your penis in a cake.”

3.

Works great. Unless they are wet.

The second last sentence could be very disturbing if your replace the word ‘pets’ with ‘people’.
My cats and dogs aren’t really important enough to me to take their pictures.  So this feature isn’t really for me.  I’ll probably just use it to find out when their birthdays are.

4.

Sounds delicious!

I’m no retard, but I had to look this word up.  I needed to find out what kind of data license I was agreeing to.  After finding that toponym means “a place name,” I find that I still have no idea what the fuck they are trying to say.  I ripped this page out of the manual and fed it to my dog for his birthday.

5.

Battery life can also be extended by making a sacrifice to an Elder God

Thanks for this piece of little-known advice, manual.  Next you’ll tell me the camera takes better pictures if I point it at the subject instead of directly at the sun.  Or maybe that to increase the longevity of the camera, I shouldn’t throw it into an active volcano on a remote island that doesn’t have a toponym.
And it’s good to know that if I want to make sure my camera is good to go, I only have to wait 24-48 hours for the battery to charge.  Convenient.

6.

Or herpes!

Good to know that while my camera is charging alone for 2 days that is has the potential to spontaneously combust.
And when you hook it up to your computer to download the photos, it installs animal pornography on your computer.  You know.  Just because.

7.

Please follow the included 94-page booklet.

Well this really puts a damper on my evening.  I was going to crush the battery into a fine powder, mix it with scotch and inject it into my tear ducts.  It helps dull the pain from having my house burnt down.  But I guess now I’ll just put it back into the camera.

8.

That's just solid advice.

Wait.  What?  I bought a handheld camera, not one of those overhead projectors from history class.  What in the holy hell would I be wheeling around like this and why are you telling me how to do it.  Maybe they are worried that the giant stack of top-heavy dishwashers that I am racing around a bumpy minefield might fall on my camera.  And that’s not covered by warranty.  Especially if what you are trucking is a water cooler.  God forbid.

My penis just died.
I’m off to your mom’s house to
bury it in her ass.
   —NPX

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