Slumber Parties – The Dream vs. The Reality

Being a girl who writes for the most popular humor site on the web that isn’t Cracked.com (citation needed), I get asked a myriad of questions by my male contemporaries.
Bullshit like:
“Have you ever turned a cucumber into a pickle?”
“Shouldn’t you stop at that red light?”
“Can you store change in your girl parts?”
“Is my sandwich ready yet?”
“You’re on the pill, right?”
“Did you fart?”
“You should wear more makeup.”

That last one isn’t even a question you retards!  But the thing I get asked the most often by far is “What do girls do when they’re alone together?!”
So I am taking this chance to clarify a couple of things for our male readers.

A typical male reader

The Dream:

8 hot girls on a Saturday night, all go over to Kristine’s house for drinks and a sleep over.  Too much alcohol is had, the clothes start coming off in a naughty game of strip poker (but because we’re girls its strip go-fish) Sarah loses her bra, Steph her pants, Kerri her panties and before you know it there is a full blown orgy, with dildos, vibrators and lots of making out.  Too much alcohol and a lot of bad/great decisions.

These ideas may or may not be entirely true. Sometimes things do get out of hand, it all depends on what girls came to the party and what bad things they can be persuaded to do.

How a grown man pictures a slumber party.

I know most of you are just happy leaving it there. For those men who do not wish to burst their bubble I would recommend you stop reading now.

The Reality:

8 hot girls on a Saturday night, all go over to Kristine’s house for drinks and a sleep over.  Too much alcohol is had, too much food consumed. A riveting game of Truth or Dare gets going.  But everyone is too full to get off the couch, so they all decide to just play Truth.  They ask dirty, naughty, horrible things.  Questions like; would you ever give a guy named Ryan a BJ (the answer is always NO), or have you ever gone down on another girl (this answer varies depending on the girl).  They continue these types of games, secret things are said, and naughty things are talked about.  Sometimes there is underwear dancing and poking of breasts.  There has never been any touching, kissing or rubbing (other than that one time in grade 8 when we played “Wandering Fingers”.)

We are lame!

After reading the two comparisons I now know why guys think of the slumber parties as orgies, makes total sense. I guess in a way they kind of are.  Men would never get together and talk about the shape of their testicles, the consistency of their semen, and why they have mommy issues.

Pictured: Mommy Issues

I like to envision a guy’s night like this:

8 guys all go over to Pete’s house for binge-drinking  night.  Lots of beers are consumed; they stack the cans and tape them on top of one another (Wizard Sticks!), to show who is the most loaded. Someone crashes through a coffee table, another burns himself on that cigarette they forgot they had lit.  Hockey and that “slut that puts out for everyone” is talked about a lot.  Once the alcohol fully sets in, one of them gets over emotional about their job, and tries to have a one on one chat about how he deserves to be recognized more, and how he really loves his boss.  Ending in a mystery puke/shit in the bathroom sink that, for some reason, no longer drains properly.

What disgusting mystery do you hold within?

I now know why men dream about the Slumber Party, even a girl’s worst slumber party is 100% better than a typical men’s night.

"Bruce, quit hogging the popcorn you silly!"

Truth or dare you slut.
My cuke tastes like a pickle!
I wouldn’t eat that .
     —cVp

"Only one tastes like a vagina. The other tastes like...God...NOOOOO!"
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