Ah, March 17.  The one day of the year where it is acceptable to be drunk by 10AM.  In fact, in some countries it is the law.
After exhausting research we’ve brought you some insane, hard-to-believe, unreferenced truths about the most beer-swillingly, wife-punchingly, green-barfingly day of the year.

1. Green Food Coloring Triples The Alcohol Content of Any Beer

2. If you don’t get in at least 6 fights on March 17, you are considered what the Irish call a “Trick-ass Bitch.”

3. St. Patrick was a actually invented to fool God into letting people drink on Sunday’s.

4. Ireland is considered a serious threat to the health and safety of the free world due the rampant, uncontrolled breeding of gingers.

5. Leprechauns are just gay dwarves with flair.  Just ask GLAAD (The Gay Leprechaun Alliance for Attention Deficit Disorder and Bike Rides!) *citation needed

And now a special SPD haiku (Limericks are for assholes & Gypsies!)

A Bloated Liver.
Two Black Eyes; A lot less friends.
St. Pat’s Day After.
     —NPX

Now let’s get pissed!