A Guide to Getting Inside

Dating online is like a box of chocolates…  Sweet at first, but eventually you get tired of picking the shitty ones.

“Mmm, this one at first glance looks like it will be sweet, and filled with awesome!  Dammit!  I ALWAYS pick the one filled with kids and weight problems!”

Warning: May contain nuts & whores.

Life guarantees that everyone, no matter what they look like are going to take at least 1-5 ‘good’ pictures… and Facebook makes it a certainty that they will end up on the internet.  These pictures are what lure you in.  No man gives a shit what your write up says, because they all say the same crap anyway!  As a matter of fact, your profile is probably the only time he will pay any attention to you.

"Maybe if I look like a retarded mermaid..."

I will post a few lines and their loose translations that are bound to make an appearance online.  Now remember, the translations will differ based on the degree of whore whose pants you are trying to lie your way into.

I’m not into playing games, so if you are, then move on!”  =   I’ve put out on the first date so many times, chivalry to me means “comes prepared with condom”

I’m giving this site another try…” = Men’s phones have an allergy to my number after I put out.

If you’re looking for a booty call, keep looking!”  = HE SAID HE LOVED ME!  I HATE MY FATHER!!!

What women don’t understand is that they’re emotional creatures, and if the man is confident in his bullshit, most of them will fall head over morals right into his pants!

"Get Up. Its time to have sex."

I mean, who goes online to find love if they wanted a challenge?   The only challenges in online romance are finding a place to park with her after you take her on a romantic drive through the drive thru.  It’s probably a fair trade considering how disappointed she is going to be over the next 2 hours. 
That and sounding convincing when you tell her, “Facebook?  Nope, never heard of it!
– OR –
“No I hardly ever use that site, and you were like the ONLY girl I messaged.  I am just trying to find someone special, and only message someone that I could really see myself being with!  What are your cat’s names again?”


At least 2 are named Mittens.

Another hurdle in online dating is finding a picture of yourself sober enough to put on the internet.
“What do you mean the picture of me wearing a candy string bikini with one ball hanging out isn’t hot!?”


Alas, in the end you can be whoever you want to be on the internet.  For most, it’s too late for either of you when you meet and you realize that the picture you touched yourself too in the shower, was taken 100 pounds ago.  So just remember kids: Alias!

Just stop before you phone book starts to look like:

Aunt Stephanie
Doug Johnson
Janine 0240
Jolene Jones
Steve Smith

Etc…  Now a Haiku to send you on your way!
Happy fishing!

Put out the first time.
Promised I’d call you again…
Hook, line, and sinker.

"Next time, no anal unless he pays for dinner!"

One thought on “A Guide to Getting Inside

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