Just to clear things up, the calendar is from 2019…the review is from the good ole garbage can cum-sock era of 2020 & 2021! Don’t worry, I drank most of these with a mask on. It was actually drank over the course of a year due to moving and other various, boring factors.
Beer #1 by Voodoo Brewery (US)
Name/ABV: Voodoo Love Child Belgian Style Ale Aged on Fruit 9.2%
NPX First Impressions: Starting off strong with a high percentage should help dull the senses for the impending onslaught on what’s grown back of my liver since the last time.
NPX Taste: Fruity and satisfying, like getting head from the Chiquita Banana Lady on a lazy Sunday morning.
NPX Final Word: Could definitely blow through a few of these and never call it back.
Beer #2 by Brewery of Jandrain-Jandrenouille (BELGIUM)
Name/ABV: VI Wheat 6%
NPX First Impressions: Unfiltered and creamy, like a secret alcoholic’s Orange Julius.
NPX Taste: Tastes great, not too bitter and no assy aftertaste like a lot of unfiltered beer.
NPX Final Word: 4-ingredient deliciousness. The only caveat is that it left more sediment in my glass than was in my bathtub that time I took home a (now-missing) homeless person.
Beer #3 by 3 Sheeps Brewing (US)
Name/ABV: Rebel Kent Amber Ale 5.0%
NPX First Impressions: The bottle cap popped off with the force of a virgin’s first handy jay and scared a stinky pebble out of my hairy spider. This beer produced more head that the passenger seat of my Ford Tempo on sorority night in 2007.
NPX Taste: Once you get past the meringue of foam, the underlying ale is a full, sweet, and beautiful beer.
NPX Final Word: I recommend a six-pack to enjoy and scare off home invaders/constipation.
Beer #4 by The Lost Abbey (US)
Name/ABV: Devotion Blonde Ale 6.0%
NPX First Impressions: Unassuming and innocent like an altar boy.
NPX Taste: Tastes pretty damn good and if you tell anyone you’ll get in trouble too.
NPX Final Word: I have a confession, I enjoy this beer’s company more than an actual blonde people.
Beer #5 by B.O.M. Brewery (BELGIUM)
Name/ABV: Triporteur From Hell Dubbel Porter 6.6%
NPX First Impressions: Darker than RLLD’s soul and/or the ass parts of his underwear.
NPX Taste: Thankfully it tastes better than both of those things. Great home-roasted malt keep this from plunging into the typical watery porter and it has a crisp, carbonated finish.
NPX Final Word: A great way to start a night or a fight.
Beer #6 by Captain Lawrence Brewing Co. (US)
Name/ABV: Liquid Gold Belgian-Style Ale 6.5%
NPX First Impressions: Not sure if the liquid gold the speak of is referring to the beer pre or post kidney. Either way, it’s made by a Captain so by maritime law I am required to imbibe this while signing a salty shanty with galleons of seamen.
NPX Taste: Arrr matey sign me up for another of these libations, ye scalawag.
NPX Final Word: Now swab me poop deck! I just released a kraken in me britches.
Beer #7 by Valduc Brewery (BELGIUM)
Name/ABV: Thor Brune 9.5%
NPX First Impressions: Wooo, 9.5% Viking beer! This will put hair on your liver.
NPX Taste: The beer is fine and reminds me on old joke: So Thor comes to earth looking for a night on the town, ends up getting tanked and picking up a thirsty lady at a local tavern…He takes her back to his earth apartment and shows her his Mjolnir all night long. In the morning he feels guilty after taking a mere mortal to pound town while he is in-fact a God and mighty hero. So he turns to the crumpled pile of woman to confess and says to her: “I’m Thor.”
She rolls her head to him slowly and replies back, incredulously: “You’re Thor?! I can hardly pith!”
NPX Final Word: Bad-dum tssss!
Beer #8 by Brewhouse Karbo (BELGIUM)
Name/ABV: Blanko 6%
NPX First Impressions: Smells like an everything bagel which is good thing and it’s unpasteurized so nice and cloudy to hide any secrets we might have. Shhhh.
NPX Taste: Pretty great. I’m starting to hope for a shitty beer so I have something to make fun of instead of my unnaturally rotund balls.
NPX Final Word: But I swear, if I see a Bud Light Watermelon Margarita bottle, I am out.
Beer #9 by Tiny Rebel (UK)
Name/ABV: Paper Planes Belgian West Coast IPA 7.4%
NPX First Impressions: Well, it’s an IPA which I naturally hate…but I remember this company from last year as being half OK.
NPX Taste: Definitely bitter like and IPA but it’s saved by Belgian the fusion making it orangey like a Shock Top. But not fucking gross like a Shock Top which is best served directly into a dirty toilet.
NPX Final Word: One and done but because of my own bias.
Beer #10 by Crazy Mountain Brewing Co. (US)
Name/ABV: Crazy Mountain Amber Ale 5.25%
NPX First Impressions: The label’s decorated with a Maurice Sendak-esque drawing. I guess we know what the wild things drink.
NPX Taste: Well shit…this is fucking fabulous. If you’re from Colorado or surrounding area keep your eyes peeled for this bad boy.
NPX Final Word: Too many good beers…I have a bad feeling about this.
Beer #11 by Mass. Bay Brewing Company
Name/ABV: UFO White 4.8%
NPX First Impressions: A poor man would describe this as a poorer man’s Hoegaarden. The bare-bones label and a matter-of-fact description of the impending orange & coriander flavour profile leave little to the imagination.
NPX Taste: Actually pretty decent. Of course, it’s no delicious Hoegaarden but it’s also far better than the mass-produced, citrus vomit that is Shock Top.
NPX Final Word: I have no idea why the called it UFO, it’s not quite out-of-this-world but I’m sure it’s led to many an anal probe.
Beer #12 by White Pony Microbrewer (BELGIUM)
Name/ABV: Dead Sun Rising Imperial Dark Smoked Saison 8.1%
NPX First Impressions: Darker than Wesley Snipes’ …tax bill. And a nose like RLLD (delicious.)
NPX Taste: So dark and stormy that even if I compliment it, I will come off as racist.
NPX Final Word: If the proposed action is to drink this beer then the answer is affirmative!
Beer #13 by Boxing Rock Brewing Co. (CANADA)
Name/ABV: Tripel Belgian Style Ale 9.2%
NPX First Impressions: The smell is like the first time you ever sniffed a dirty thong and realized that everybody poops. A normal occurrence, if not a right of passage, in Nova Scotia.
NPX Taste: BOOOOM! It’s an explosion of fruit and sour, like blowing the Kool-aid man!
NPX Final Word: OH YEAHHHHHH!
Beer #14 by Hobbybrouwerij Het Nest (BELGIUM)
Name/ABV: Ten of Clubs 10%
NPX First Impressions: Another high proof beer waiting to be pleasured.
NPX Taste: From the shadows, it projects a tasty and dangerous chocolate rain down your slutty esophagus into your whore stomach. Robert Frost eat your heart out.
NPX Final Word: At 10% my inhibitions are looser than your mom’s hungry cooch at a dragon dildo convention.
Beer #15 by Belgian Brew Factory (BELGIUM)
Name/ABV: BOHO Organic Blond Beer 4.5%
NPX First Impressions: Initial anger as the beer erupted from the bottle without warning and settled on my coffee table in a golden mess. Cleaning it up smelled like finding a bloated corpse in bath tub full of warm Coors Light.
NPX Taste: Damn. It’s actually pretty good. Really crisp but without the precociousness of the typical organic beer. “Look at me I’m organic!” Nobody fucking cares. Unless it has latex in it, I am allergic to that 😉
NPX Final Word: This is probably the best beer made from organs I’ve ever had.
Beer #16 by Zipline Brewing Co. (US)
Name/ABV: Cherry Dubbel Belgian-Style Abbey Ale 7.7%
NPX First Impressions: I’m excited for this one, I like strong, fruity men…er beers. I meant beers.
NPX Taste: Mmmm it’s like the beer wraps it’s gentle hands around you from behind andwhispers sweet nothings in your ear as one hand slowly, but deftly undoes the top button of your khakis.
NPX Final Word: Thick with rich veins of cherry, I think Dubbel is Belgian for “popper.” I highly recommend experimenting with this beer, in college at least.
Beer #17 by Luvanium (BELGIUM)
Name/ABV: Blond 7.2%
NPX First Impressions: “Brewed with traditional floor malt…” whatever that means. Seems ok, smells a little farty but that could be me.
NPX Taste: Tastes fine…a little too fine…but that could be me.
NPX Final Word: Actually, in the aftertaste you can really taste the floor part of floor malt.
Beer #18 by De Plukker Hop Farm Brewery (BELGIUM)
Name/ABV: Rookop 6.5%
NPX First Impressions: Trying to figure out the actual name of the breweries – and in some cases, the beer – is a fucking task sometimes,.
NPX Taste: This was a delicate ballerina on my tastebuds, without the Black Swan of aftertaste. If you put Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis in a bathtub and bottled it, sign me up for a case. Just saying.
NPX Final Word: Beer Good. Mila Better. Call me, you hairy Ukrainian minx.
Beer #19 by Uiltje Brewing Co. (NETHERLANDS)
Name/ABV: Wingman Watermelon Wit Beer 6%
NPX First Impressions: Well watermelon is my jam, and the label looks cool. I have low hopes for this being a shitty beer that I can bitch about for yucks.
NPX Taste: Obviously it was delicious. My only concern is the hyper-carbonation, which may have been natural or due to time. My bottle nearly choked me to death and not in the good way.
NPX Final Word: Delicious, if not weirdly foamy. Like, top 2 delicious. I’m moving soon so will finish this review when I can, though you will be none the wiser so not sure why I am saying anything.
Beer #20 by Brasserie Artisanale MilleVertus (BELGIUM)
Name/ABV: Mère Vertus Tripel 9%
NPX First Impressions: It’s been a few months since I had the last beer and it is now January 2021. Even though these bottles are now over 2 years old, I remain optimistic and somewhat horny. The best before date seems to have rubbed off the bottle which makes me which I had one. I can clearly see the sediment through the bottle and it looks like someone dried to mix dirt into motor oil.
NPX Taste: I remember most of the other beers being good if not great. This…this is not that. My observation of what it looks like is exactly the same as how I would describe the taste.
NPX Final Word: I assume a new bottle tastes better, but if this is how it is supposed to taste then fuck that. Tastes like a vegan’s earthy asshole.
Beer #21 by Birra Dell’ Eremo (ITALY)
Name/ABV: Saggia Blanche 5%
NPX First Impressions: An Italian nod to Belgian beer. Let’s see what those pasta-fucking wine-slurpers can come up with. Luckily the BB date on this bottle is 31/12/2020 so it’s not that expired. Hooray.
NPX Taste: Mama Mia! Wow, this is great. Super light, and it’s got great effervescence. Good job, Guido. If I ever find myself in the virus-ravaged landscape that once was once Italy, I will pick up a some of these, some cannoli, and a few hairy women.
NPX Final Word: The bottle kind of looks like a small bottle of champagne too, so you could hand these out at New Year’s if you’re a cheap coont. JK, I’d totally drink this a midnight right before open mouth kissing strangers.
Beer #22 by Brouwerij de Molen (NETHERLANDS)
Name/ABV: Tekst & Uitleg Pale Ale Saison-ish 4.6%
NPX First Impressions: Yes, Saison-ISH, that’s the first beer I’ve ever seen that was like “ehhh it’s kinda like this type of beer but not really, I dunno.” I thought there was a novel written on the back but it’s literally the ingredients written in 8 different languages, which is marginally more than I speak. English is on the front for a total of 9. BB date on this one is 09-05-2020 so not even a year expired! Great.
NPX Taste: As a Canadian I can only describe this beer as “Moosey.” As in, it tastes like a moose. If you don’t know what I mean then you come from a shithole country with no moose. You fucking moose-less savage.
NPX Final Word: Not Moosey-ISH…exactly like a moose.
Beer #23 by Sound Brewery (US)
Name/ABV: Ursus Spelæus Imperial Stout 10%
NPX First Impressions: Ten percent?! Thank god I am wearing a mask. I’ll be sure to pour this away from any open flames, which normally I wouldn’t worry about but it’s almost bubble bath time! Scented candles abound!
NPX Taste: Well it’s darker than a dead baby joke, but it tastes better! Actually, it tastes pretty fucking grand. If you only have time for 4 pints, try some of this inky brew, it will get you right bent.
NPX Final Word: This combined with my bubble bath time gin martini will produce bathwater that is a higher AVB than the beer. A little NPX bath stew brew. Bottle that and drink it up nomnomnom.
Beer #24 by Brasserie de Cazeau (BELGIUM)
Name/ABV: Tournay De Noël 8.2%
NPX First Impressions: Yay Merry Christmas! This was a world record collection for beers that don’t taste like cow piss. Kind of makes writing jokes harder, but it’s a good thing I am hilarious no matter what.
NPX Taste: Even this is a totally drinkable beer. So that’s over 20 beers that if you see in a store on you travels to give a try! Hercule Poirot would be proud of this entire batch. This one in-particular is quite tasty and pairs well with a lavender candle and Lionel Richie.
NPX Final Word: BUUUURRRRRRPPPPPPPP!
After Thoughts/Births: I hope I don’t find 2020’s advent calendar anywhere so I eventually have to complete it. Look at those, they are all big boy cans! Foooook.
Verse is like my cock
Haikus are hard, so am I
At least I’m shorter