I considered a few other subtitles for this article, like: How to Not Buy Something Successfully, How to Waste Your Time (and Mine), and How to Get Murdered in a Stranger’s Home.

After selling several items online, I noticed a trend in responses that tended to fall in one or several categories. I have tried to put these categories into words to convey the soul-draining experience of trying to sell shit online.

1. The Low-Baller
“$400 eh? Will you take $20 and drop it off across town?”
I understand that there is some wiggle-room in price when selling something yourself. Haggling sucks but whatyougonnado? That being said, if you offer someone 50% of what they have listed for a price, they should have the right to come to your house and drain a frothy, asparagus-fueled piss into your open mouth.

2. The Lazy Low-Baller
“What’s your lowest price?”
The listed price, plus you go back in time and kill your mother.
Will deliver item and time machine.

2. The No-Show
“I’ll swing by this evening”
Pretty self-explanatory, this time vampire makes promises he/she can’t keep. Hopefully they died in a car crash on the way over, and this being Alberta it’s totally possible since everyone drives like they’ve only seen Paul Walker movies.

3. The Quizard
“Does it work?”
“Is it a colour TV?”
“Does it have positronic LED like the one I used at harvard? “
“Did you know some places put beets on hamburgers?”
You may think this is a portmanteau of Quiz and Wizard but it’s actually Quiz and Retard (or, Queef Lizard if you’re feeling frisky.)
This cheeseball will ask you a bunch of questions that are usually already either: addressed in the ad itself, have implied answers, are an ultra-technical humblebrag, or just have nothing to do with anything.

4. The Sherlock
“Why are you selling it?”
This is my favourite fuck-off question.
Because it’s haunted, you mutt, why the fuck do you think?
A) Money/Trade
B) Don’t want/need.
Literally the only 2 reasons anything’s ever been sold in the history of selling. If you’re worried it’s stolen, use the money you earn as a detective to buy it new, you absolute nobody.

4. The Scam “Artist”
“Hello my friend…” followed by any combination of words.
And those words usually read…funny…like English isn’t their primary language. Not sayin’, just sayin’…

5. The Space Invader
“When can I come take a look?”
This seems to be code for someone coming over to inspect every inch of whatever you are selling no matter how many pictures you post online. And test every feature. I was selling an arcade cabinet once and this sonofabitch showed up and tested it for over an hour before I was like OK, that’ll do pig. He never did buy it either.

6. Mr. Worldwide
“Can you ship it?”
Selling online is enough of a hassle without someone asking you to run a fucking errand as well. Oh please, can I box up whateverthefuck and drive to a Post Office and wait in line to deliver $20 of Lego to Shithole, Manitoba?! Why are you even searching outside of your area, cock stain? If I wanted to ship it I would sell it on eBay, you eFuck.

7. The Unicorn
“<<404>>”
Someone shows up,on time, with the price you want and picks it up without needing your help, then fucks off. Good luck finding a princess like that.

That’s all for now. Have a good day, you savages.