Well, we are halfway through being halfway through this snorefest and I think my brain has atrophied. So far this series has me reminiscing about the Fantastic Four movies…all 4 of them. Last we left Dipshit McGee, he was falling 60 stories to his doom.
Episode 4: Eight Diagram Hand Job
While falling he manages to grab a light that is on the side of the building just long enough to say a prayer before letting go. Season over, thanks for reading.
Unfortunately no. So he does fall an unspecified height and survives which is a stretch because he doesn’t really have classic super powers and is susceptible to normal human injuries. I mean, he can heal but he hasn’t discovered that out yet so take this entire premise with a grain of salt. Because they never so much as talk about it ever again.
So after the needlessly artsy credit sequence -that all the Marvel Netflix shows seem to have- we find Danny waking up on the couch in Harold’s penthouse and Ward explains that it was he who pushed Danny out the window. Instead of Iron-Punching through Ward’s chest and fucking the hole, he tells Ward that, hey, man, that’s bad karma. We hear a voice in the background and Danny finally realizes the secret Ward was protecting: that Boromir died in battle after trying to steal the ring from Frodo. Or that Harold is still alive, sorry my brain keeps switching to better shows.
So Harold is so obviously lying about tons of shit and greasy as fuck, but Danny is the most ignorant person on earth so can’t deduce anything but a hug. Harold explains to Danny that the Hand cured his cancer and now he is forever indebted to them, thus locked in the penthouse and an errand boy. Harold’s manipulation of Danny furthered by him telling Ward to throw out all litigation against Danny as sole heir to Wendell Rand and bringing him back into the company to help fight the Hand. Starting with the pier that was so prominent in last episode.
Back at Chikara dojo we see the students watching a video of Colleen’s fight against Rusty which one of the students posted online without asking her. Fucking millennials, learn some boundaries. Anyway, she feels like a hypocrite blah blah blah tight pink shirt.
At Rand Ent. we prepare for Danny’s integration back into the company and we also find out it was indeed Joy who gave Jeri Hogarth the bowl with Danny’s fingerprint. There is a press conference to make it official and a touching speech over the soundtrack from, I think, Stranger Things. A reporter get’s a little feisty while asking questions about Danny’s incarceration at he Psychiatric hospital so the gathering is cut short. Afterwards, there’s a quick meeting with Hogarth which only bring up because I find Carrie-Anne Moss as much a sex symbol as Ken Davitian. No wonder Neo burnt out his eyes and killed himself. Anyway, they have a quick meeting where she warns him not to rock the boat which clearly means that very soon there will be some boat rockin’.
The very next scene: he rocks the fucking boat. Clearly getting his MBA from K’un Lun doesn’t really transfer well to New York City. At a product meeting he insists they sell a medicine at cost instead of turning a fair profit to further R&D. Everbody at the meeting looks at him like he has 6 heads and 0 brains. But given his altruistic nature, he’s kind of like the opposite of the piece of hot summer garbage that is Martin Shrkeli — who I’m still not sure isn’t just Joe Lo Truglio trolling all of us.
Later that night Harold calls Ward and tells him to take care of the reporter so that she stops digging around. Not “take care of” like JonBenet Ramsey, but “take care of” like give her a better story so she doesn’t find out about Danny’s porn fist, the Hand, etc.
Meanwhile Danny and Joy wander around the city being boring.
SMASHCUT! We are back at the cage fights and Colleen is there to fuck up some more beefcakes, and holy shit she wants to fight two at once! Another great fight where at one point during the match she headbutts one of the guys’ fists! That’s badass.
At Danny’s pad, he and Joy talk some more and he talks about his training instead of the show actually flashing back to what would be completely interesting and great way to break up scenes but alas we get an audio clip instead. Sure flashbacks can be a trope but if used properly they can add another layer without being intrusive (lookin’ at you Arrival, nice job.)
While Danny is getting ready to roofie Joy there is a knock at the door and she is almost kidnapped by some literal hatchet-men, one of which punches her in the face, it’s bittersweet. He takes out 6 guys (not in the good way) while 3 more wait for the world’s slowest elevator to take away Joy, alas it is just slow enough that Danny makes it inside to Iron Fist a hatchet and kick their asses and follow them back to their HQ. The whole scene would have been pretty good if there weren’t so many jump-cuts, it’s very distracting. Plus there is the obligatory slow-motion weapon dodge that is in so many movies I can’t believe I couldn’t find a compilation on YouTube. So here is the trailer for Firestorm instead.
At the same time this is happening, Ward is back at his office being pretend-drunk with the reporter mentioned earlier all so he can leak the story about Danny making the company sell the medicine at cost, thereby shelving the story about Danny in the Psych ward. It’s pretty transparent subterfuge that any reporter worth their salt should have been able to spot.
Danny heads to the Golden Sands restaurant, the HQ for the hatchet assassins (aka Triads) to have a chat with them to find out why they attacked Joy. Turns out it’s all about the pier that Rand acquired and they were all butthurt. After hearing that the Hand forced Rand’s… err hand, to buy the pier, their dicks retreat inside their bodies and they waddle away like eunuch penguins.
Back at Harold’s penthouse of solitude, Madame Gao pays him another visit and takes him for a ride. Unfortunately we are not treated to any septuagenarian Asian humping, but Harold being rewarded for the pier deal going through, and being allowed to see his daughter in person for the first time in years, albeit from afar. Harold notices the welt on Joy’s face from the Triad that showed her some humble discipline and asks for a favour. Straight cut to the Golden sands where we see a disguised Harold cleave the skull of the man who struck his daughter. For that kind of retaliation I bet the dude wishes he’d hit her at least twice or maybe got a boob grab in.
Last scene: Danny receives a package from the leader of the Triads while playing topless Just Dance 2016. Inside the package we find a note and a flap of heroin with a strange symbol on it. As Danny turns around to show the camera his taut nipples, we catch our first glimpse of the symbol for the Iron Fist which Danny has tattooed(?) onto his chest, and OMG part of the Iron fist symbol is the same as the symbol on the heroin! It’d be cool if it wasn’t so stupid.
For the second episode in a row, Wing dings her way through a pretty awesome cage fight while all around is boredom. This may be the best episode so far but that’s like saying “this latest flare-up of herpes is my favourite yet.” Now… where is my copy of the original Fantastic Four movie?
The Space Boner 