Iron Fist Review: Episode 5

High hopes for this episode, guys!  Not that I think it will be good…I’m just high. Probably from the Vick’s Vaporub I poured into my eyeballs and earballs to dull my senses. Alright let’s start this bitch.

Episode 5: Under Leaf Tiny Penis

We start with three hotties seducing different types heroin distributors with some sort of new synthetic super heroin that can be taken as a pill, powder, liquid, or with a patch like nicotine. That last one will be really great for the junkie-on-the-go type. It’s the same type of heroin we are introduced to last episode, we can tell by the logo that is on their luggage which just seems like a poor idea all over. I mean try flying with a pot leaf embroidered on your carry-on and see how long it takes before you hear the sounds of rubber gloves snapping.  But in this world TSA guidelines seem to have finally relaxed on hardcore drugs.  Of course, not the liquid form, those bottles were still <100ml.

"...for uh reasons."
“Yes ma’am, obviously you are allowed more than one heroin but you STILL need to put it in a clear plastic bag.”

After the credits we find Danny back at Rand Ent. talking with a lab tech about the heroin that he must have given her already.  Turns out the heroin isn’t opium based and technically isn’t illegal.  So they get fucked up and party all night.  JK, that would be great though.  Back in the board room we see Joy fending off and attack from a class-action suit about one of the company’s chemical plants causing a bunch of cancer.  The scene is well-acted and feels like something that probably has happened more than once in real life.  Let’s hope Danny doesn’t find out about it and fuck it up.   Speaking of that bozo, he barges into Ward’s office and throws the heroin on his desk, little knowing that Ward has an addiction problem no one cares about.  Turns out the heroin is being shipped in through our old friend, the pier.  The image on the heroin is the symbol for Shou-Lao The Undying, an actual dragon that gave Danny his powers.  Ward’s incredulity seems maxed out and I don’t know how he doesn’t just push Danny out of the window again.
Shortly after Joy expresses her empathy to Ward about the cancer factory because she knows how they feel since Harold supposedly died of cancer as well.
Outside we see Danny confronted by one of the women from the meeting with Joy whose son has cancer and pleads to him.  Danny instantly apologizes and says “We’ll make this right.”  Unbeknownst to Danny, this encounter is being recorded by the lawyer who is heading the lawsuit against Rand.

Free Life Straws for everybody!
“We comply with all E.P.A. rules. Ernie, Phil, and Allen, my senator pals that I went to Yale with.”

Smashcut to the dojo, we see Colleen sparring with none other than Claire Temple!  Aka Rosario Dawson from all the other Netflix Marvelpieces.  Both ladies are in fine, sweaty form and then Danny’s fucking face shows up kills my boner’s buzz.  Anyway, Danny orders in some takeout to the dojo and Claire hilariously sits in on the meal to be a third wheel.  The three of them talk a bit about Danny’s experiences in K’un Lun.  Claire packs up a bunch of leftovers and goes away so Danny can talk to Colleen in private. He wants her to join in his fight against the Hand, specifically, that night!  He asks her to join him later in the evening and goto the pier to get evidence of the super heroin so they can shut that shit down. She is basically like fuck off but he peer-pressures her into it.
Back at Rand we find that when Danny said to the lady earlier “We’ll make this right,” apparently he was speaking for the whole company which is clearly retarded. The board has a meeting about what to do about the cancer factory situation now that it has been exacerbated and decide not to settle, because fuck those kids.  Later that day Ward keeps eyeing the heroin ever closer as we see him take more and more pills.

pills
“drugs drugs drugs, some are good, the rest are for meeee”

At the pier that night we join Danny and Colleen searching for some sweet, sweet smack. A preliminary glance doesn’t reveal anything heinous so Danny goes in for a closer look into one of the shipping containers that is being hooked up to a semi.  And in a completely original twist, he gets locked in and the truck starts driving away!  Inside a closer look reveals a hidden room with two men watching some soccer.  One of the men being Radovan the chemist and the other being a guard. Danny fights and beats the guard but Radovan gets stabbed in the melee.  Danny grabs the chemist, fistfucks the container door open and hops a ride with colleen who has been following since the pier. Radovan is a wanted criminal so they can’t take him to the hospital, and have to go see nurse Claire.
Quick cut to Ward’s office where we see that he is fucked up on that heroin and Joy is trying to make sense of his rambling.
Anyhoo, Claire meets them at the dojo, makes some impromptu fixes and prolongs the chemist’s life a little longer who in turn mentions that the Hand has his daughter, Sabina, held hostage.  Upon hearing the Hand is involved, Claire freaks out a little since this is post Daredevil season 2 and not her first Hand rodeo…(lol hand rodeo.)  She is also a bit hesitant when Danny says that he is the only one that can stop them since, to her, he is a trust fund baby with Raggedy Anne hair.  He somehow convinces her, although I think it’s more of Claire thinking about her 3 other friends that are in better shows and is like “Fuck it, go hard curly fries.’  Danny once again imposes his will upon Colleen and insists she harbor Radovan at the dojo.
Last scene: we see Lady Gao talking to the guard who got beat up in the container. He unknowingly reveals that Danny is an Iron Fist (though he never actually sees the power used but whatever.) Gao rewards her loyal servant by stabbing him in the back of the head.  Just like my grandmother would have done.  Of course, at my Gram’s house, the alternative was MUCH worse…

Goddamn baby boomers
“No Gram, please! It’s not real candy! Why does this exist?!”

Overall this is a pretty weak episode with the only good parts being the exploration of Joy’s character, the introduction of Claire, and Limp Wrist getting locked in a box.

Running Count:
People Iron Fisted: 0
Doors Iron Fisted: 2
Weapons Iron Fisted: 2
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