I recently had the pleasure of flying home from Vancouver.  I went to check in and chose my seat and was horrified when I found out that all that was left were middle seats.

Now to some of you that wouldn’t be an issue, but for me I’m very tall and hate a lot of people. I came to the conclusion that this was going to be the worst hour and 15 minutes of my life. All I kept thinking about were the worst possible scenarios…..

First we have the fatty. The man or woman who is going to slowly mosey their obtuse cankles down the aisle,  they bounce and shimmy their fat ass through the seats as they are looking for that sad asshole they get to sit beside. You try not to make eye contact but you know in your heart that it’s going to be that lonely seat beside you.  They sit down next to you, breathing like they just ran a marathon, adjusting and fidgeting their hips around as their fat over flows the arm rest and into your seat. As bad as this sounds, it’s not the worst.

Then we have the snorer. This person seems not to horrible, keeps to themselves and just lets you have a good flight. Or so it seems….. They slowly drift off to sleep and then it starts. At first its just heavy breathing or the odd snort, so you think that it’s not to bad still. Then it happens, the jaw drops and the tongue starts to sink back and the snoring starts.  The sound that emanates from their deviated septum sounds like an old diesel engine filled with gay crickets.  You try coughing or shifting or bumping but nothing works, and you know this is your shitty life for the next few hours.

You may think that was a bad one but oh no, what about the talker. There is nothing worse than just wanting to relax and listen to some music and you have Johnny McDickface, the big mouth that won’t shut the hell up. He goes on about his wife, his shitty job, his never ending kid stories and if he’s really nice he’ll even tell you about his fucking dog.  I once pretended I was deaf to avoid this situation – worked pretty good till he started chatting me up in sign language – now that was an awkward 3 hours.

You could also have the bitchy passenger that just makes it totally uncomfortable for everyone on the plane. I had a woman who was sitting behind me one time, she over heard something that the steward said – but over heard it wrongly. The steward was commenting on the French announcement, and the lady thought she over heard them talking about death. “Can you please not talk about dying because I’m terrified to fly – I need vodka now!” I wish it was socially acceptable to slap someone upside the head…with a machete….covered in bees.

The winner of the shittiest person to sit beside is the smelly stranger. I actually had a dude take his shoes off while he relaxed and the raunchy parmesan cheese, salt and vinegar chips smell wafted into my nose for way to long. You could also have the nasty asshole who doesn’t use deodorant and for some fucked up reason can’t smell it himself. Or the raunch-box lady the hasn’t showered in a few days….. You get bonus points if she’s a fatty with a raunchy box.

And now a poem for all you airborne assholes out there:

I see you coming
Your fat ripples like Jell-O
Now I want Jell-O
—cVp