As we’ve previously pointed out, Cosmopolitan Magazine often puts out lists about how to spice up your sex life, or seduce a man.  These “tips” often come across like they have been plucked from a fan-fiction randomizer that only knows about sex from hashtags.  Some of the ideas below may kind of make sense, but that doesn’t make for great comedy, so we are going to make fun of them all.

Original Cosmo Article

1. Play Up His Deep Pockets

When he’s least expecting it, tell your man you need some change. Then stick your hand in his pocket and  touch his penis through the fabric, pretending that you’re really digging around for that coinage you need. When he’s good and hard, whisper something in his ear like, “Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?” He’ll practically bust out of his pants.
—Susan Block, PhD, sex therapist and author of The 10 Commandments of Pleasure

What it’s really saying: You have no idea how small a roll of quarters is.  Also, “when he’s least expecting it, ask for some change?”  We are ALWAYS expecting that.  That’s why we leave little piles of it around the house!

What would really happen: Friction burn on penis is not fun.  Ask any high-schooler who has spent an evening dry-humping while a movie plays unwatched in the background.

 

2. Pop His Cork

Try the oral-sex technique “The Screw.” As you’re moving up his shaft with your mouth, turn your head a bit from side to side, letting your tongue follow a corkscrew pattern. When you get to the frenulum — that part of the shaft just beneath the head — be sure to lick it for a few seconds before moving all the way up to the top. Then repeat, moving down his shaft. What will drive him wild about this is that you aren’t just going up and down — you’re also going sideways. It’s 3-D!
—Paul Joannides, author of The Guide to Getting It On

What it’s really saying: You’ve always wanted to look like a baby bird getting fed and you think the word frenulum is an acceptable thing to google.

What would really happen: Naming a blowjob “The Screw,” is kind of misleading.  Other than that, it’s a BJ so pretty hard to: A. Fuck Up, B. Improve Upon (without rubber gloves.)

 

 

3. Get Dirty in the Tub

Before you get it on, take a bath together. Bring out the candles and fluffy towels, then put two drops of patchouli oil, three drops of sandalwood oil, and three drops of lavender oil into your bathwater. Patchouli and sandalwood are awakens sensuality, and lavender induces relaxation. The combination of scents and warm-water sensations will completely prime your bodies — and minds. For a truly sensual and erotic experience try this water-friendly sex position.
—Nitya Lacroix, author of The Art of Tantric Sex

What it’s really saying: If you spent enough time on the setup, then the payoff will be amazing.  Plus what a great way to get rid of all those expensive oils you bought from your friend on Facebook and never use.

What would really happen: I don’t want to get in your goddamn hippy, OCD bath.  If you know how sperm behaves in water, the post-coital romance is going to involve you cutting spunk out of my body hair like it’s Elmer’s Glue.

 

4. Strut Your Stuff

The next time you go out with your man, wear your sexiest outfit.
Sometimes you have to remind your guy that you’re a prize, not an appendage. It really turns most guys on to know they have someone other men want to be with. And it can be a tremendous ego boost for you, too. When you feel sexy, you are sexy. Once you return home from your diva-date, you won’t be able to keep your hands off each other.
—Susan Block, PhD, sex therapist and author of The 10 Commandments of Pleasure

What it’s really saying: Make your man jealous by having other guys stare at you.  Pretty long entry for what we all know.

What would really happen: Possibly some fisticuffs with rubberneckers staring at my propert…i mean prize.  The same thing that the tip says would happen, sexy fun time!  With the non-phrase, diva-date, never crossing any man’s lips.

 

5. Touch Yourself… With His Penis

Shake up your pre-sex routine by pressing his penis against surprising parts of your body.
Try these frisky ideas. Hold his penis against your inner thigh to tease him like crazy; touch the tip of his penis against your breast, and rub his frenulum against your nipple; or bring the side of his shaft against the outside of one of your cheeks, then put it up to your lips and cover it with wet kisses.
—Ian Kerner, PhD, author of He Comes Next

What it’s really saying: Helen Keller role-playing is all the rage.  Frenulum call back!

What would really happen: You quickly find out how easily an erection can be lost if you fuck around too much.  Keep it to the erogenous zones, rubbing a dong on your elbows or (face) cheeks isn’t sexy.  …wait how long have I been in camp?

 

6. Unhand Your Man

Give your man a massage without using your hands. Before you begin, slowly undress your partner, but make sure that he stays warm. Then, keeping your hands at your side or behind your back, stroke his body (all except for his penis) with your face, hair, and breasts. Once he’s totally relaxed, rub your breasts against his penis and he’ll happily rise to the occasion.
—Nitya Lacroix, author of The Art of Tantric Sex

What it’s really saying: Steamroller!  Flop all over him like a thirsty fish!

What would really happen: Lot’s of questions and static buildup.

 

7. Try Finger-Food Foreplay

Have a romantic dinner without utensils so you can feed each other. There’s something sensual about placing food in your partner’s mouth. After a meal like this, serve yourself for dessert.
—Ellen Kreidman, author of The 10 Second Kiss

What it’s really saying: Don’t order soup or rice.

What would really happen:  After eating 60 Chicken Nuggets, the instant loss of sexual attraction will either be due to the smell of Hot Mustard lingering in the air or the onset of the inevitable McDonald’s meat sweats.

 

8. Love Your Booty

Look at yourself naked in a full-length mirror for five minutes a day and focus on what you love about your body. If this feels awkward, get ready or blow out your hair while standing naked in front of the mirror. By getting used to your unique shape, you’ll gain confidence that will naturally spill over into your sex life and make you twice as enticing to your guy.
—Barbara Keesling, author of Discover Your Sensual Potential

What it’s really saying:  It’s only going to get worse from here, so remember this moment.  And Narcissism is a one-way street kind of turn-on.

What would really happen:  You’d be completely ignored while your boyfriend is playing Battlefront II and wondering what the fuck you are doing in the bedroom.  How about standing in front of him naked, that is a surefire way to arouse his attention.  Unless, of course, like I said, he is playing Star Wars.

 

9. Slip into a Naughty Costume

Try one of these outfits since they’ll help you get in the moment. If you’re feeling like a flirty, girlie tease, put on a white cotton undie set or sexy lingerie and pull your hair into a ponytail, or don a schoolgirl-like plaid miniskirt with an oxford shirt tied above your navel. To become an X-rated seductress, wear something red or black in sheer fabric or lace, then add crimson lipstick and nails. Outfits not only help you get in the moment, they also give him a visual turn-on and inspiration.
—Jamye Waxman, author of Getting Off

What it’s really saying:  “Slut it up, you whore.”

What would really happen:  This is a pretty safe bet, especially around Halloween so you can multitask that outfit girlfriend!  The schoolgirl uniform is the oldest trick in the book, like, it doesn’t take a fucking rocket doctor to figure this one out.  What’s the next genius tip?  French Maid?

 

 

10. Pleasure His Penis

Cup your hand around his member, creating a “bun” around his “hot dog.” Then kiss the part of his penis that’s exposed while breathing hard. Your hand will trap your exhalations and make his penis feel superhot.  With your other hand, work his testicles. He’ll think he has died and gone to heaven.
—Paul Joannides, author of The Guide to Getting It On

What it’s really saying:  I learned all about friction from Bill Nye growing up.  Coincidentally, this is also where your girlfriend learned this move.

What would really happen:  Free teeth whitening for her and bad-breath wiener for him!

 

11. Keep Your Pants On

Encourage your man to touch you when you have your favorite tight jeans on (and don’t let him take them off). His hand can glide over your crotch more easily, and the material will transmit the sensations over a wider area.
—Paul Joannides, author of The Guide to Getting It On

What it’s really saying:  Keep the pants on until you’re married.  Prepare to do laundry.

What would really happen:  Seriously, it’s way easier just to disrobe and have sex than to have to cold-wash the love juices out of 2 sets of clothing as opposed to 1 set of sheets (that you’re going to sleep on anyway, let’s be honest.)
Hell, just do it on the kitchen counter then spatula the sexidue (sex residue) into the garburator.  No Fuss, No Muss!  Call right now and I’ll even throw in a second spatula for absolutely free!  Just pay additional shipping and handling.

12. Toy with Him

Stock up on sex toys like velvet-lined handcuffs and silk blindfolds. You can never go wrong with a vibrator. Ask him to buzz it against your clitoris or tell him simply to sit back and watch you handle it. It will feel amazing for you, and he’ll be turned on just by seeing you so turned on.
—Susan Block, PhD, sex therapist and author of The 10 Commandments of Pleasure

What it’s really saying:  Ask him to turn both you AND your vibrator on?  That’s asking a lot of someone you just met online.

What would really happen:  Someone is going to end up blindfolded and handcuffed while the other person starts filming/playing video games/robbing you blind… depending on the relationship.

 

13. Pucker Up

Share a passionate 10-second kiss every single day. A lot of couples keep having sex but stop really kissing. And that’s a shame, because it’s such a wonderful, intimate act. So just go up and lay one on him. Instantly, you’ll feel passionate instead of platonic. What a rush!
—Ellen Kreidman, author of The 10 Second Kiss

What it’s really saying:  Your relationship is going well, because clearly neither of you are hiding herpes.  At least orally…

What would really happen:  This would end up like how you’re supposed to brush your teeth for 60 seconds every time.

 

14. Touch a (Sensual) Nerve

One of the most explosive nerves in the body is located at the top of the inner thigh. Start by licking your finger (the wetness increases the stimulation) and slowly drawing it from the mid–inner thigh to the top. Then follow the path you just traced with your tongue, teasing your way to the upper region. Because the skin here is tender, it’s important to watch how he reacts. If he flinches, you’re exciting the nerve to the point where it feels too ticklish. If he flinches, give the area firmer kisses.
—Lori Buckley, PhD, of The Better Sex Video Series

What it’s really saying:  Feels like “upper thigh” here is a metaphor for either taint or bunghole…hopefully both.

What would really happen:  If your tongue is on his upper thigh, that means his balls are in your eyes and his boner is resting against your stupid forehead.

 

15. Have Hotel Sex at Home

Try re-creating the away-from-home atmosphere in your own bedroom. Buy sheets with the highest threads-per-inch count you can find (look for 200 and above), and invest in some thick, fluffy robes to lounge around in. You’ll both feel like you’re on an incredible vacation from the rest of the world.
—Ellen Kreidman, author of The 10 Second Kiss

What it’s really saying:  Trick him into buying nice sheets!  Also, “look for 200 or above”?  No shit Cosmo, anything below that is basically just medium-nice rope.

What would really happen:  Brown 1200 thread-count, Egyptian cotton sheets.  And eschew the robes for Big Gulp of lube.

 

16. Make It a Quickie

If you’re turned on at an inopportune time and in semi-public place, act on your feelings. Although it feels a little bit naughty, a quickie will help you stay faithful. People often have affairs solely for the illicit rush from doing something “bad.” Quickies allow you to experience all of the having-an-affair thrill with none of the cheating.
—Ellen Kreidman, author of The 10 Second Kiss

What it’s really saying:  Good news booze!  You’re off the hook.

What would really happen:  You don’t “Experience ALL of the have-an-affair thrill with none of the cheating.”  Pretty sure messy divorces and random STD’s are avoided.

 

17. Keep Your Eyes Open

Watching his every move while you’re hooking up is a great way to explore more of the emotional side of intercourse. Start by kissing with your eyes open and looking at each other during foreplay. Gradually build up until you can sustain eye contact throughout both of your climaxes. You’ll experience your orgasm in a totally different way.
—Barbara Keesling, author of Discover Your Sensual Potential

What it’s really saying:  Staring contest!  Go!

What would really happen:   Can’t let your partner pretend that they are somewhere else and tossed salad is off the menu.

 

18. Taunt Him

You might be surprised how easily you can become synchronized. Lay your hand on his chest, and have him do the same. Since heart rate speeds up during orgasm, if you stay hand-to-heart connected while you do it, you’ll feel how wild you’re driving each other.
—Barbara Keesling, author of Discover Your Sensual Potential

What it’s really saying:  Play amateur twister on one another’s bodies while trying to maintain some semblance of an erection.

What would really happen:  One of you would just lay there and falsely claim “Yea, it’s working!”  while the other screwed you to sleep.

 

19. Give Him Props

Great sex is all about angles — the angle of his erection and your pelvis determine exactly what hot spots he’ll hit and how tightly he’ll feel gripped. That’s why pillows can be passion’s best friend. Try one under his butt while you’re on top or supporting your tailbone in the missionary position. You’ll be surprised how many new sensations you both experience just by adding a pillow.
—Paul Joannides, author of The Guide to Getting It On

What it’s really saying:  Use anything you can find!  If you choose to get it on outside of the bedroom you can always use the edge of the sidewalk or the concrete that you find at the edge of a parking stall.

What would really happen:  Not gonna lie, this works pretty well actually.  The pillows I mean, not the reinforced concrete curb-stops.

20. Let Go Loudly!

Moan, let out animalistic noises or shout his name — whatever you have the urge to do. If you’re embarrassed, just know that you’re doing your partner a favor. The more you express your pleasure, the more you make him feel like the stud of the universe. Bonus: Your orgasms will be even more powerful if you really let ‘er rip vocally.
—Susan Block, PhD, sex therapist and author of The 10 Commandments of Pleasure

What it’s really saying:  Anything to cover up the noise of his shallow breathing and balls slapping.

What would really happen:  The only noise needed from sex is the high five that takes place above her (or their…see pic) head.

21. Just Add Lube

Your guy has what it takes to get you off, but there’s one more thing that can seriously up your odds of climaxing. With a little extra lube, every touch and thrust will feel smoother and more pleasurable. And because you’re wetter, he’ll feel more confident, which will inspire him to try new moves and positions.
—Eric Garrison, author of Mastering Multiple-Position Sex

What it’s really saying:  You’re drying up, you dusty old troll.  Or, his fat cottage-cheese ass doesn’t oil your engine anymore.

What would really happen:  Boyfriend compares you to a Slip-N-Slide.  Possible accidental anal.  Honestly, it was an accident 😉

 

22. Turn-Around… and Turn Him On

Face his legs instead of his face when you’re on top. (Hold on to his feet for balance.) He’ll get a great view of your backside — a surefire turn-on. And if his erection points straight out instead of up,  this position will feel especially incredible to him.
—Paul Joannides, author of The Guide

What it’s really saying:  You maintain an admirable confidence in your tramp stamp.  Apparently Cosmo doesn’t know this position is called Reverse Cowgirl.  Or, in Alberta: Reverse Cowsister.

What would really happen:  You can both make your real sex faces without fear of reproval from each other.

 

23. Be the Boss in Bed

Tell your guy to lie down, then use handcuffs, scarves, or a necktie to tether his hands together so he can’t touch you. Next, you want to torture him playfully with your teasing. Slowly kiss your way down his torso, and just as you get to his pelvis, move back up to his ears and neck. As you tantalize him and he strains to touch you, ask him to tell you why he wants you so bad. Once he’s pleaded his case allow him to take over.
—Candida Royalle, author of How to Tell a Naked Man What to Do

What it’s really saying:  You’re desperate to drag this out longer than two minutes.

What would really happen:  Don’t tease me too much…You wouldn’t like me when I’m horny!

 

24. Don’t Wait To Exhale

You can actually use your breath to control your orgasm. With each exhalation, imagine that you’re pushing the satisfying sensations throughout your body — instead of just letting them build up below the waist.  When you finally let go, you’ll feel the orgasm from head to toe.
—Nitya Lacroix, author of The Art of Tantric Sex

What it’s really saying:  Auto-erotic asphyxiation is only a plastic bag away!

What would really happen:  Ask David Carradine or Michael Hutchence.  Allegedly.

 

25. Maximize Each Moment

Try doing the same things you always do in the bedroom, but slow down to one-fourth of your normal speed. You and your guy will have time to really bond, and since you’ll be feeling sensation over a longer period of time, your orgasms will likely be out of this world.
—Barbara Keesling, author of Discover Your Sensual Potential.

What it’s really saying:  As a magazine, we have no idea anymore and will print anything no matter how fucking stupid.

What would really happen:  Try slowing down an orgasm…good luck, you’re still getting a mach-3 blast of ball ganache on your slow-moving face.

 

In closing, most of these are pretty obvious “tips” that you shouldn’t need from a magazine whose sole purpose is to collect ad revenue & Photoshop already beautiful people to sell products.  A handful of the ideas are so completely stupid that they will cause irreparable damage to your relationship, though I won’t tell you which ones.  We’ll leave you with one tip from TheSpaceBoner before we go: “If you going to try something new, try it drunk first.”

Adieu.

—NPX/RLLD