Every year people like to share all the great things that happened to them over the past 12 months. They mail them to friends and family, as well as post them on social media because “screw Canada post”.
I love reading about their growing families, and about all of the new adventures my friends are taking. No, really! I mean it! I haven’t ignored a SINGLE update from any of you. Even my halfwit realtor sent some drizzling bunk that while reading, made me feel like dragging my brain across a cheese grader. Of course posting daily status updates on your feelings, opinions, pics of sexy ass lunch, or sharing whatever epiphany your under stimulated brain is churning out is NEVER enough!
That being said I thought to myself, “My year was exciting. I have lots of things that stand out in my mind, so why don’t I put out my equivalent of a year in review?”
And what better place than via the Spaceboner?! (Editors note – It’s so I can swear and the elderly won’t read it.)
This past year has been great and I started it by losing weight. My Doctor still says “That’s what happens when you don’t drink heavily 3 days a week, Ryan” but I’ll take it. Even garbage goals count.
As usual more and more of you found the time between complaining about the environment and ruining the world to add a few more bundles of joy to it. Unfortunately, 2015 Didn’t see me becoming a Godfather. I am perfectly okay with that, and you shouldn’t fret either because 2016 is a whole new year where you too can replace all of those pictures of you having fun with friends, with pictures of your children.
I managed to weather the storm just fine while the rest of Alberta spiralled into recession. Sure, Albertan’s define a recession by how many inches they can afford to lift their trucks, but nonetheless I kept my hobby of not saving any money going by adopting pets and collecting useless shit.
My wife had the good intention of fostering a dog in need back to health so we opened our doors, our hearts and our wallet to Gigi. Gigi came our way having just been rescued from a reserve outside of town after a bender of sweet, sweet anti freeze and homelessness (I’m talking about the dog).
Essentially she was the canine equivalent of a Volcano insurance. Drinking anti freeze turned her kidneys into paper weights which led to her pissing so much that whomever owned stock in Swiffer mops and pee pads was able to retire instantly.
As a result PiPi wasn’t fit for adoption due to her ailments. Naturally, she came into our home and after a steady diet of hot dogs, ground beef, and pills she came through with flying colours! All along I knew it would work considering how it so closely resembles the diet I am on.
My wife, who for anonymity’s sake shall be referred to as Christina, did the impossible and brought her back from the brink of Chinese Kitchen Fodder. Judging by her monthly food bill Wiwi’s diet consists of eating silver and drinking imported Mars ice water. Thanks to the efforts of Christina she grew up to be a staple of our home and Chris–er, WE, decided that she was to stay right where she was.
Naturally we didn’t stop there. I mean that put the tally to TWO dogs and a cat. That’s enough right? I thought so, but naturally I was way off…
Our other rescue was a little white cat named Molly who was brought into the vet by the RCMP. Her previous owner had passed away, presumably from being cuddled to death and thus she was left alone in the house. We took her home and built her up to the little bundle of purrfect that she is.
Much to the chagrin of Christina, the Rescue Queen, Molly favored me instantly and merely tolerates all things not me. Unfortunately, that now makes 4 pets (and one turtle) for us to share our home with, which hasn’t been easy. (Fucking turtle)
As “luck” would have it we are going to be relocating to Calgary so Christina can start working her new territory. We look forward to better weather, natural mountains, a cleaner city, a bigger house, and just being further away from Edmonton.
Finallg, the biggest news of the year was definitely us getting married! We flew to Victoria and spent a few nights with our favorite people ever. We stayed at the same hotel where we proceeded to party, golf, and consume a disgusting amount of booze. That actually sounds a lot like my trip. Either way, I had fun!
The day of the wedding I was probably the most nervous I had ever been in my life. To add to the wedding jitters we had to move our ceremony from outside to inside, which wasn’t a big deal because “Hurricane Storm Hammer” was ‘blowing’ in ‘hard’ from the whoreaiian islands. It dumped its load all over Victoria, as we said our I do’s and golden showered us with enough luck to rescue 12 dogs.
No joke, that is the actual storm from the weather network…
The luck started almost immediately because when it came time for pictures the skies opened up and we were all able to march outside to have pictures with our family and friends. The moment we finished we were right back to getting pissed on harder than an R. Kelly date.
My wife’s parents blew me away with their effort and their sacrifice to making our wedding what it was. It took at least a week to come to grips with the fact that I will never be able to repay them, at least not until I replace my own bar pictures with pictures of their grand kids. Then again, who knows what my 2016 year in review will have to offer.
Happy New years
Thanks for all the kids you had
I’ll be at the bar