Draw Something is a the latest mobile app to take the world by storm. And for good reason: it lets you interact with your friends and Facebook stalkers (or stalkees) by playing a simple version of Pictionary with them.
The game levels the playing field between artists and whatever-the-opposite-of-artists-is quite effectively due to the fact that no one can draw worth a shit on a small touchscreen.
You’ve seen what we have done in the past with a children’s colouring book, so guess what happened when we got our filthy little hands on this baby!
I hope you’re ready for some more drawings of dicks!
Draw Something? Yeah sure.
If by “Something” you mean pics
of crudely drawn dicks.
- Zynga listens to users with Draw Something update (reviews.cnet.com)
Contributing Authors: neuroparadox & ramalamlongdong
It is finally time to grace your minds, morals, and monitors with yet another witty (?) edition of the Space Boner! We would like to say that the amount of work put into this rivals that of anything that takes 3-4 weeks to create, but that would be lying. And since we’re not trying to date you, why even bother?
Now, unless you’ve been living under a rock, (or have self-esteem coupled with a socially acceptable personality) you have been online looking for that special someone.
We, of course, never have, but have heard from certain people *cough cough Mom cough* a few things about it.
Interestingly enough, for every profile you make you have to go through a massive question survey that is supposed to be able to determine a match for you. Now how this bodes well for you as opposed to a criminal record check, I don’t know, but let’s all just be thankful they don’t have those yet!
They seem to make these questionnaires so fucking long as a means to prevent online satirists from creating multiple accounts in order to stalk girls that don’t reply to their messages (nice try!)
There should have been a few very BASIC questions to answer:
Are you rich? Yes/No
Are you a serial Killer? Yes/No
Do you like receiving candy/flowers/anal? Yes/I’ll Try Anything Twice
Do you enjoy giving compliments/advice/blowjobs? Yes/I’ll Learn
Are you easy? Yes/No/Do Me Now
Can you accept rejection? Yes/No
In a non-violent manner? Yes/No
Do you want/hate kids? Yes/No
Do you have cats, if so how many? Zero/Delete Account
Now how hard was that? Simple questions that answer everything you could want to know about a partner you would meat online. Sadly though, the actual questionnaires run something a little like the following. Instead of clicking Agree/disagree, all answers should at least be hand written. This is what it would look like if we were to have that option.
Ditch the panties ladies, because you’re in for a ride!
1. I get nervous easily.
Not as easily as I get aroused.
2. I am not easily embarrassed by others.
I am more likely to embarrass you.
3. I tend to become very enthusiastic about new things.
Yes! Until I saw there was a fourth question :/
4. My own thoughts and feelings sometimes scare me.
Not as much as they would scare you or children.
5. I tend to work too long and hard.
I work long and hard on my short & skinny.
6. I am a very productive person.
I spent 4 hours filling this out at work didn’t I?
7. I would much rather eat dinner at a restaurant than at home.
Why would I bring my dinner to a restaurant to eat?
8. I am comfortable interacting with strangers.
As long as they are white.
9. I want my children to speak English.
My children never get a chance to develop vocal cords, let alone speak.
10. It’s difficult for me to feel sorry for people less fortunate than myself.
As long as they aren’t white.
11. I am looking for someone to be just friends with.
Friends who know how to play a good game of SEX.
12. Basically I am a happy person.
And I know it! *Claps Hands*
13. I can resist temptations easily.
Very Easily! Other than alcohol, drugs, bacon, women, midgets, farting, sex, racist jokes, masturbation, tacos and prostitutes…I have no vices.
14. My religion is very important to me.
I owe God so many favours, I just pray he never calls in his chits.
15. I like to take care of all the details when doing things.
Hooker torsos go in the blue bin, heads in the green.
16. I sometimes find it difficult to get used to changes in my life.
Constantly changing my name, phone number and address is a pain in the ass.
17. My political beliefs are very important to me.
Knowing what’s legal and what I can get a way with is important to me.
18. It is important that my romantic partner is liked by my friends.
You spelled “licked” wrong.
19. I am looking for someone to possibly begin a long-lasting relationship.
If by long-lasting you mean 7 minutes instead of 4.
20. I often do or say things I later regret.
This list is going to get A LOT longer if I list all the things I regret…
21. I think highly of myself.
Pffft no shit.
22. I would like to have children in the near future.
Depends on your definition of “have”…
23. I have high standards for myself.
And it’s crucial that you do not.
24. I don’t experience strong emotions.
>;) oh wait…emoTIONs.
25. I love all kinds of music.
Except for Rap, Jazz, Reggae, Blue, Hip-hop, etc.
26. I would love to spend a holiday backpacking through another country.
Not on the run…for once.
27. My ideal vacation would be on a tropical island.
With no extradition treaties.
28. I am a very reliable person.
I used to baby sit for the Ramsey family. ‘Nuff said.
29. I enjoy cooking.
No, but you had better. Also, cleaning.
30. I prefer working alone than in groups.
As much as I would love to have someone to help me dig holes and clean up, I think it’s best I go it alone.
31. It is important that I get married soon.
Now that I am registered at the Liquor Depot.
32. I talk more than most people.
I talk more than most fish too.
33. I enjoy solving crossword puzzles and games.
I especially enjoy Screwdoku and Dicktionary.
34. I’m very open to trying new foods and different cultures.
Unless it’s one of those new crazy hamburgers with cheese on it!
35. I often get angry about how I’m treated by others.
Not as angry as some…
36. I feel more comfortable as a follower than a leader.
37. I love to have excitement in my life.
2-3 times a day for 1-2 minutes.
38. I am a hard-working person.
Shouldn’t that hyphen be a comma?
39. I don’t express my feelings easily.
Only when I drink. And only about your whore mother.
40. I don’t like scary movies.
I make my own…
41. I feel more comfortable when other people do most of the talking.
I’m not here for conversation.
42. People probably think I’m stubborn.
No. I am generally more of a selfish, drunk asshole.
43. I feel quite comfortable in large groups of people.
Especially when in the middle of a 7-man circle.
44. I believe there’s more than one way to do something correctly.
I believe there are only 3 ways…unless you have a glass eye.
45. My relationships with my friends are very important to me.
Even with the ones that aren’t there. SHUT UP! WHO SAID THAT?!
46. I am looking for someone to go out on dates with.
47. I am sensitive to other people’s feelings.
That’s why you’re wearing the bag.
48. I rarely get angry.
I rarely remember. I usually wake up in a bathtub full of red honey that tastes like pennies.
49. I’ve never told a lie to avoid negative consequences.
I’m a Gynecologist. I don’t have to lie.
50. I sometimes feel resentful when I don’t get my way.
Screw you test!
51. I tend to avoid questions about my personal life.
All aboard the train to incrimination station. I Choo-Choo-Choose (to kill) you.
52. I’ve never forgotten anyone’s name when this was important.
I may forget your name, but I will never forget your blah blah blah whatever.
53. White lies, like faking orgasm, are perfectly normal in maintaining a relationship.
They are just as important as black lies, like faking not having a secret second family.
54. My relationship pattern is best described as serial monogamy — I go from one relationship to the next without much of a breather.
Well you’re half right. Serial…something.
55. I sometimes try to get even rather than forgive and forget.
I forgive after I get even and forget where I buried you.
56. When I start a new relationship, I’m sometimes guilty of speaking badly about past relationships.
Not once! Not even about the last whore.
57. I’m extremely persuasive at getting what I want from people.
Anyone can be persuasive with a Drilldo.
58. When I’m in a relationship, I can be critical of my partner.
No, but my fists have a mind of their own.
59. I can’t get to know everything about a love interest fast enough.
Yes! Where you live, what you drive, what trees provide the best view into your apartment, etc.
60. There have been occasions when I took advantage of a romantic partner.
No. I usually take advantage of them before they are a romantic partner.
61. Money is an extremely important thing in my life.
Yes. And I hope you have lots because mine is all tied up in lotto tickets.
62. Sometimes, what I adore about a sweetheart is what ends up driving me crazy about that partner.
YOU DYED YOUR HAIR?! BITCH, I’LL SHOW YOU DIE!
63. My relationships tend to get really intense very quickly.
Intense and chloroformy.
64. I thrive off of romantic relationships where I receive a great deal of admiration and praise.
65. There really isn’t any situation that I can’t talk my way out of.
Or an asshole I can’t talk my way in to.
66. I have a completely different persona when I’m online than when I’m with my family and friends.
See Question 49.
67. My friends or family would say that I’m very good at managing my money.
I’m very good at managing their money since I manage not to have any of my own.
68. Most of my ex-partners would take me back.
Most of my ex-partners would take me out back and drive a screwdriver through my neck.
69. I am drawn to others for their strengths especially the ones I don’t have.
Compassion, heart, give-a-fuck, etc.
70. I find that I can only really be myself when I’m online.
Pantsless Joe Jackson.
71. When I’m not online, I often think about the Internet.
Especially about saladandchips.com
72. Few people love me other than those I know online.
Like those 15 year-old girls that keep luring me to their homes…I KNOW IT’S YOU DATELINE NBC!
73. People who know me best often complain that I use the Internet too much.
Yeah, but they bitch about it on Facebook. I suppose the irony is lost on them.
And that’s it! If you haven’t passed out on your keyboard by then end of their survey, then you are desperate enough to perhaps find true love or, more probable, settle for something that somewhat resembles another human being.
Online dating sites:
Places to maybe find love.
But more likely, rape.
Note: All answers are satire and meant to reflect the worst people you could meet online, not our own personal opinions (except question 70).
Stupid warnings are common place today. Mostly because people are morons and have to be told that Red Bull’s delicious and heart-attacky drink will not literally give you wings.
This is also the reason that you will find pictures of rotting teeth and sick babies on cigarette packs. There is no need for that! It’s a well-known fact that cigarettes are very high in sugar and that babies and hummingbirds love to smoke (probably because of the high sugar content now that I think of it).
But I digress. This post is just about some messed up things I spied in my camera’s operations manual. If you’ve seen any stupid warnings or instructions, drop a link in the comments.
That’s great. Don’t give any example of what attachments may cause hazards (unauthorized wrist strap?) but give 6 examples of what can hold water.
Gee, thanks manual but you forgot to mention toilet, hot tub, cup, stand-up shower, moist toilettes, Kamino, wet dogs, wet cats, Mexicans, melted ice, otters, whale blow-holes, a hollowed-out dwarf skull, zip-loc baggie, Super Mario Bros. level 2-2, clouds, Cytherea, and two hands cupped-together to form a rudimentary chalice.
Of course! Because how else would I know it’s someones birthday? After all, I am probably only taking their picture at their birthday party. Thanks for the quick reminder…on every single photo. This might be handy if I had Alzheimer’s:
“Look, it’s little Timmy’s birthday!”
“Dad, that’s a picture of your penis in a cake.”
The second last sentence could be very disturbing if your replace the word ‘pets’ with ‘people’.
My cats and dogs aren’t really important enough to me to take their pictures. So this feature isn’t really for me. I’ll probably just use it to find out when their birthdays are.
I’m no retard, but I had to look this word up. I needed to find out what kind of data license I was agreeing to. After finding that toponym means “a place name,” I find that I still have no idea what the fuck they are trying to say. I ripped this page out of the manual and fed it to my dog for his birthday.
Thanks for this piece of little-known advice, manual. Next you’ll tell me the camera takes better pictures if I point it at the subject instead of directly at the sun. Or maybe that to increase the longevity of the camera, I shouldn’t throw it into an active volcano on a remote island that doesn’t have a toponym.
And it’s good to know that if I want to make sure my camera is good to go, I only have to wait 24-48 hours for the battery to charge. Convenient.
Good to know that while my camera is charging alone for 2 days that is has the potential to spontaneously combust.
And when you hook it up to your computer to download the photos, it installs animal pornography on your computer. You know. Just because.
Well this really puts a damper on my evening. I was going to crush the battery into a fine powder, mix it with scotch and inject it into my tear ducts. It helps dull the pain from having my house burnt down. But I guess now I’ll just put it back into the camera.
Wait. What? I bought a handheld camera, not one of those overhead projectors from history class. What in the holy hell would I be wheeling around like this and why are you telling me how to do it. Maybe they are worried that the giant stack of top-heavy dishwashers that I am racing around a bumpy minefield might fall on my camera. And that’s not covered by warranty. Especially if what you are trucking is a water cooler. God forbid.
My penis just died.
I’m off to your mom’s house to
bury it in her ass.