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73 Reasons to Avoid Online Dating
Contributing Authors: neuroparadox & ramalamlongdong
It is finally time to grace your minds, morals, and monitors with yet another witty (?) edition of the Space Boner! We would like to say that the amount of work put into this rivals that of anything that takes 3-4 weeks to create, but that would be lying. And since we’re not trying to date you, why even bother?
Now, unless you’ve been living under a rock, (or have self-esteem coupled with a socially acceptable personality) you have been online looking for that special someone.
We, of course, never have, but have heard from certain people *cough cough Mom cough* a few things about it.
"That sounds like a nasty cough dear, drink this and go put on some socks."
Interestingly enough, for every profile you make you have to go through a massive question survey that is supposed to be able to determine a match for you. Now how this bodes well for you as opposed to a criminal record check, I don’t know, but let’s all just be thankful they don’t have those yet!
"Have you ever jaywalked or cut someone's head off and wore it as a hat?"
They seem to make these questionnaires so fucking long as a means to prevent online satirists from creating multiple accounts in order to stalk girls that don’t reply to their messages (nice try!)
There should have been a few very BASIC questions to answer:
Are you rich? Yes/No
Are you a serial Killer? Yes/No
Do you like receiving candy/flowers/anal? Yes/I’ll Try Anything Twice
Do you enjoy giving compliments/advice/blowjobs? Yes/I’ll Learn
Are you easy? Yes/No/Do Me Now
Can you accept rejection? Yes/No
In a non-violent manner? Yes/No
Do you want/hate kids? Yes/No
Do you have cats, if so how many? Zero/Delete Account
Now how hard was that? Simple questions that answer everything you could want to know about a partner you would meat online. Sadly though, the actual questionnaires run something a little like the following. Instead of clicking Agree/disagree, all answers should at least be hand written. This is what it would look like if we were to have that option.
Ditch the panties ladies, because you’re in for a ride!
1. I get nervous easily.
Not as easily as I get aroused.
2. I am not easily embarrassed by others.
I am more likely to embarrass you.
3. I tend to become very enthusiastic about new things.
Yes! Until I saw there was a fourth question :/
4. My own thoughts and feelings sometimes scare me.
Not as much as they would scare you or children.
5. I tend to work too long and hard.
I work long and hard on my short & skinny.
6. I am a very productive person.
I spent 4 hours filling this out at work didn’t I?
7. I would much rather eat dinner at a restaurant than at home.
Why would I bring my dinner to a restaurant to eat?
8. I am comfortable interacting with strangers.
As long as they are white.
"Oh. My. God. Did you see what Vicki is wearing?!"
9. I want my children to speak English.
My children never get a chance to develop vocal cords, let alone speak.
10. It’s difficult for me to feel sorry for people less fortunate than myself.
As long as they aren’t white.
11. I am looking for someone to be just friends with.
Friends who know how to play a good game of SEX.
12. Basically I am a happy person.
And I know it! *Claps Hands*
13. I can resist temptations easily.
Very Easily! Other than alcohol, drugs, bacon, women, midgets, farting, sex, racist jokes, masturbation, tacos and prostitutes…I have no vices.
14. My religion is very important to me.
I owe God so many favours, I just pray he never calls in his chits.
15. I like to take care of all the details when doing things.
Hooker torsos go in the blue bin, heads in the green.
And cardboard in the red!
16. I sometimes find it difficult to get used to changes in my life.
Constantly changing my name, phone number and address is a pain in the ass.
17. My political beliefs are very important to me.
Knowing what’s legal and what I can get a way with is important to me.
18. It is important that my romantic partner is liked by my friends.
You spelled “licked” wrong.
19. I am looking for someone to possibly begin a long-lasting relationship.
If by long-lasting you mean 7 minutes instead of 4.
20. I often do or say things I later regret.
This list is going to get A LOT longer if I list all the things I regret…
To be fair, it was a 3-day weekend.
21. I think highly of myself.
Pffft no shit.
22. I would like to have children in the near future.
Depends on your definition of “have”…
Definition 3: to get, receive, or take.
23. I have high standards for myself.
And it’s crucial that you do not.
24. I don’t experience strong emotions.
>;) oh wait…emoTIONs.
25. I love all kinds of music.
Except for Rap, Jazz, Reggae, Blue, Hip-hop, etc.
26. I would love to spend a holiday backpacking through another country.
Not on the run…for once.
27. My ideal vacation would be on a tropical island.
With no extradition treaties.
28. I am a very reliable person.
I used to baby sit for the Ramsey family. ‘Nuff said.
29. I enjoy cooking.
No, but you had better. Also, cleaning.
30. I prefer working alone than in groups.
As much as I would love to have someone to help me dig holes and clean up, I think it’s best I go it alone.
31. It is important that I get married soon.
Now that I am registered at the Liquor Depot.
32. I talk more than most people.
I talk more than most fish too.
Except maybe this gabby bitch.
33. I enjoy solving crossword puzzles and games.
I especially enjoy Screwdoku and Dicktionary.
34. I’m very open to trying new foods and different cultures.
Unless it’s one of those new crazy hamburgers with cheese on it!
35. I often get angry about how I’m treated by others.
Not as angry as some…
"Hulk Angry! Can't Find Golden Eggs!"
36. I feel more comfortable as a follower than a leader.
Yeah…followHER home…
37. I love to have excitement in my life.
2-3 times a day for 1-2 minutes.
38. I am a hard-working person.
Shouldn’t that hyphen be a comma?
39. I don’t express my feelings easily.
Only when I drink. And only about your whore mother.
40. I don’t like scary movies.
I make my own…
41. I feel more comfortable when other people do most of the talking.
I’m not here for conversation.
42. People probably think I’m stubborn.
No. I am generally more of a selfish, drunk asshole.
43. I feel quite comfortable in large groups of people.
Especially when in the middle of a 7-man circle.
44. I believe there’s more than one way to do something correctly.
I believe there are only 3 ways…unless you have a glass eye.
45. My relationships with my friends are very important to me.
Even with the ones that aren’t there. SHUT UP! WHO SAID THAT?!
46. I am looking for someone to go out on dates with.
Dates…Rapes. PoTAYtoe…PoTAHtoe.
47. I am sensitive to other people’s feelings.
That’s why you’re wearing the bag.
48. I rarely get angry.
I rarely remember. I usually wake up in a bathtub full of red honey that tastes like pennies.
Sometimes I am alone, sometimes Eminem is there.
49. I’ve never told a lie to avoid negative consequences.
I’m a Gynecologist. I don’t have to lie.
50. I sometimes feel resentful when I don’t get my way.
Screw you test!
51. I tend to avoid questions about my personal life.
All aboard the train to incrimination station. I Choo-Choo-Choose (to kill) you.
52. I’ve never forgotten anyone’s name when this was important.
I may forget your name, but I will never forget your blah blah blah whatever.
53. White lies, like faking orgasm, are perfectly normal in maintaining a relationship.
They are just as important as black lies, like faking not having a secret second family.
54. My relationship pattern is best described as serial monogamy — I go from one relationship to the next without much of a breather.
Well you’re half right. Serial…something.
55. I sometimes try to get even rather than forgive and forget.
I forgive after I get even and forget where I buried you.
56. When I start a new relationship, I’m sometimes guilty of speaking badly about past relationships.
Not once! Not even about the last whore.
57. I’m extremely persuasive at getting what I want from people.
Anyone can be persuasive with a Drilldo.
58. When I’m in a relationship, I can be critical of my partner.
No, but my fists have a mind of their own.
And they've been drinking all day!
59. I can’t get to know everything about a love interest fast enough.
Yes! Where you live, what you drive, what trees provide the best view into your apartment, etc.
60. There have been occasions when I took advantage of a romantic partner.
No. I usually take advantage of them before they are a romantic partner.
61. Money is an extremely important thing in my life.
Yes. And I hope you have lots because mine is all tied up in lotto tickets.
62. Sometimes, what I adore about a sweetheart is what ends up driving me crazy about that partner.
YOU DYED YOUR HAIR?! BITCH, I’LL SHOW YOU DIE!
63. My relationships tend to get really intense very quickly.
Intense and chloroformy.
64. I thrive off of romantic relationships where I receive a great deal of admiration and praise.
…and Blowjobs.
65. There really isn’t any situation that I can’t talk my way out of.
Or an asshole I can’t talk my way in to.
66. I have a completely different persona when I’m online than when I’m with my family and friends.
See Question 49.
67. My friends or family would say that I’m very good at managing my money.
I’m very good at managing their money since I manage not to have any of my own.
68. Most of my ex-partners would take me back.
Most of my ex-partners would take me out back and drive a screwdriver through my neck.
69. I am drawn to others for their strengths especially the ones I don’t have.
Compassion, heart, give-a-fuck, etc.
70. I find that I can only really be myself when I’m online.
Pantsless Joe Jackson.
They finally gave me my own office!
71. When I’m not online, I often think about the Internet.
Especially about saladandchips.com
72. Few people love me other than those I know online.
Like those 15 year-old girls that keep luring me to their homes…I KNOW IT’S YOU DATELINE NBC!
73. People who know me best often complain that I use the Internet too much.
Yeah, but they bitch about it on Facebook. I suppose the irony is lost on them.
And that’s it! If you haven’t passed out on your keyboard by then end of their survey, then you are desperate enough to perhaps find true love or, more probable, settle for something that somewhat resembles another human being.
Online dating sites:
Places to maybe find love.
But more likely, rape.
—NPX
