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Meals Regretfully Eaten, Part 3: MREtired
Contributing Authors: neuroparadox (NPX), ramalamalongdong (RLLD)
Here it is, the article that the 8 people who read this site have wanted for about 6 months. And it’s the moment that we have dreaded ever since we ordered these rations from shady black market eBay dealers. This is going to be our swan song for the MRE testing since we found a new priority in testing bottle after bottle of delicious and refreshing watermelon vodka. It has nothing to do with the smallpox we got from MRE1 and MRE2.
Neither of us smoked or drank before we started this journey…regardless, we are now both meth addicts with severe depression and a crippling dependency to Pepto Bismol. Whenever you see a ‘Support The Troops’ ribbon stuck to the back of an SUV, you’ll know to think of us and all that we have done to our gastrointestinal systems in the name of…uhhhh. Shit. Why did we do this again?
Opening Thoughts:
NPX: My Expectations for this whole thing are lower than my Uncle Susan’s T-Cell count.
RLLD: People should wear ribbons to support us through this…
MRE # 7: Russian Whatthefukoff
Contains: Crackers, Matches, several cans of WTF, a priceless Fabregé Egg, Mystery Jelly
Weighing in at a svelte 10 lbs, we were worried about the amount of mystery food we would have to consume. But after realizing that the weight came mostly from the lead packaging that held the food, we breathed a (temporary) sigh of relief.
We were hoping for a little mini bottle of Watermelon Vodka, but instead we got lead poisoning.
задница (Crackers):
RLLD: 32? What am I going to do with 32 crackers? I don’t eat 32 GOOD crackers in a year. Why so many? Are these for absorbing all the awful flavor to follow? If so, then I salute these tongue tampons. You bland pieces of shit, I salute thee.
RATING: 
“These were the ‘Shitz’”
NPX: Gee, are you sure there are enough? There must be a cracker factory somewhere that is making a killing. And speaking of killing, that’s what these crackers are doing to my taste buds. These crackers have less taste than a dead bunny joke at a retard party.
RATING: 
“Why do I have a feeling that these are the best things that I am going to eat out of this whole package?”
Contains more crackers than a Barry Manilow concert
потные шаров (Meat Something?):
NPX: Where to begin? Let’s start with the sickening jelly that surrounds this pile of fetus deletus. I can see it jiggle to the pulse of my fear-induced rapid heartbeat. I am going to skip over the meat jello and go straight for the uhhh beef? I think the only way to describe this lump of skag meat would be to ask you to imagine a blender full of cow tongue, whale penis and Metamucil…with a hint of Bay.
RATING: “I would compare it to SPAM, but that would be insulting to the good name and delicious taste of SPAM.”
RLLD: Is that a bay leaf or did the leaf that covered Adam’s junk find it’s way in here?
RATING: “This is one of those things you eat and whatever creator you believe turns their omnipotent gaze upon you and says, ‘Eww, gross! What that hell is that?’”
Translation: Premium Grade ‘R’ Beef-Flavored Coyote Meat
Oh a Bay leaf! It imparts a bold flavor on this tin of ground fetus.
растительного рвоты (Vegetables?):
NPX: I don’t like vegetables to begin with unless they are pickled and/or wrapped in bacon. I threw these against a wall and made a Bloody Cary instead (it’s like a Bloody Mary, but with a less faggy name.)
RATING: “I don’t often wish for throat cancer. But when I do, it’s while eating MREs.”
RLLD: NEPELI definition: After Birth surprise. If compost got right chair-faced one night, this is what it’s Sunday morning hangover diarrhea would look like.
RATING: ”I always knew Vegans were fucked in the head.”
Translation: Vegetable Pussies in Yak’s Piss
Soaked in the greasy tears of obese Americans
Семен сыр тунца (Horrible Cheese?):
RLLD: It’s like Cheese Dick/Tuna/Sulfur paste. It has the consistency of a Gym floor and texture of my poop after eating every cracker put in front of me tonight.
RATING: “This cheese and my asshole are really going to show Russia the true meaning of ‘Scorched Earth’”.
NPX: Well I would have lost this bet if someone had asked me to guess what was inside this can. Tuna? Nope. Salmon? Nope. Flaked Light Manatee Asshole? Close, but nope. I don’t know if you’re supposed to eat it or use it as a currency when buying things from mice. The taste does vaguely resemble cheese, unfortunately the texture vaguely resembles a wet scab.
RATING: “It’s like Cheez Whiz’s culture-shocked cousin from a far away land. So yeah, it’s Balki from Perfect Strangers“
Translation: Hey you! You like cheese right? Not anymore you don’t.
“Made from only the finest rat’s milk.”
три веселых мужчин (Gay Three-way Meat):
RLLD: Oh this delectable morsel would definitely go together beautifully with one of those salt chips that came with this package! Where is the factory that makes this delight, my belly button?
RATING: “The only way this meal will be complete is if I can eat the can for dessert.”
NPX: It smells like an anchovy’s yeast infection and tastes even saltier. I think that the three guys on the can were tourists that stayed at one of those murder hostels and were turned into meat pudding.
RATING: ”So there’s a sailor on the left and an army guy to the right…what the hell branch of the military is the shemale in the middle supposed to be in?”
“Have you seen these men? Neither have we!” *WINK WINK* – Management
жирная шлюха (Two Cows Stew):
RLLD: This Klingon MRE is the shits. It just keeps getting worse. I mean nothing so far even remotely resembled food. I can’t read the writing, recognize the food, or see the colour green anymore. I’m done. Beware the Klingon WarTurd coming at warp 8.5.
RATING: “Dammit Russia, I’m a doctor, not a toilet bowl!”
NPX: This is the worstest food and haz had the gratest effect on dur langwage senter of muh brain! Durpiddy Doooooo! Numbers smell funny. AHHHH SPACE SNAKES!
RATING: ”That’s right, it makes you act like a Newfie.”
Translation: Bitch Cow Whore Stew
It deceivingly looks like bacon and potatoes. IT IS NOT!
осмотическое изюмом (Turd Paste):
RLLD: Lovely. I always wanted to eat the residue in my engine after putting off an oil change for 7 years. This is what you would find if you scraped out the inside of NPX’s lungs.
RATING: “Well played Raisin. Well played.”
NPX: Well how bad can a brown paste that comes from a giant silver ketchup packet be? I have high expectations! Oh shit…I think it’s raisin paste!
RATING: ”NooooooOOOOOooOOOOoooooo!”
Translation: There is no God
мята (Probably not a mint):
RLLD: Here you can see NPX burning the best thing about this meal. The worst part is I was in the bathroom looking for a sharp object, when I could have been in the kitchen putting this in my eye.
RATING: “and for desert… Rehab! Physical, not mental. That comes later.”
NPX: This is either to heat up the tins of awful or to incinerate your taste buds before eating so that everything becomes palatable.
RATING: ”The fire made it good!”
“ooo look at the pretty flame… Right there, in front of me! What do you mean you can see it? Uh oh…”
MRE # 8: Ukrainian Barbarian
Contains: Crackers & Jam, Chocolate Bar, Lemonade, Almonds, Shit Envelope
Talk about the opposite of the Russian MRE, this Ukrainian fanny pack has a third the amount of awful Euro-food! Fun fact: MRE’s are in fact NOT good forever and all have an expiration date on them. This ones’ was today… No lie.
It says Ukraine, but that writing looks suspiciously like Koreanese…
Crackers and Black Currant Jam:
RLLD: Yea, that looks real good. There’s nothing “currant” about that jam.
RATING: “Should have eaten it. The packing said it was good for one more day.
NPX: The jam had been smooshed in it’s travel from Ukrainia or wherever the fuck, so I wasn’t about to spread the congealed, and now double-poisonous, mess on my crackers….which tasted like a hobo’s taint BTW.
RATING: “And not the good kind of hobo taint.”
More crackers! Now featuring: Poison Spread!
Chicken Broth Soup and Cherry Drink:
RLLD: What? These came separately? You dick.
RATING: “So this means that I can still copyright Chicken Cherry Soup?! HECK YES!”
NPX: Liquids are usually the least daunting thing to try so I was ok with a break. The beverage tasted pretty alright after I added some watermelon vodka; the soup, not so much. At least they stick to the basics with coffee machine chicken broth, the MREs never seem to stray outside their wheelhouse. Which is a good thing, because if I every saw something like a curry soup in one of these I would probably slash my wrist with a broken Bruce Cockburn CD.
RATING: “Why does RLLD keep singing about Chicken Cherry Soup? Isn’t that a Savage Garden song?”
If only we had some crackers for the soup!
Beef with Pearl Barley:
RLLD: I wanted a perogie! The package deceptively resembled one. The only thing dryer than this shit is Kleenex mountain at NPX’s bedside.
RATING: “I’ll take the, hmm, Bratwurst, Chicken Cherry Soup aaaaaand… hmm, oh yes, The Baby Diaper stuffed Perogies”!
NPX: This is the Ukrainian entree? Bullshit! Where are the goddamn perogies and cabbage rolls? Squeezing the meal from the bag feels like massaging a bag full of blended kittens until they slowly poop out onto the plate. Ugh…I don’t even know what it tastes like, but I am pretty sure my stomach is going to sue me for damages. I have 8 other jokes but they all involve Chernobyl.
RATING: “If an Alien suddenly burst forth from my chest, I wouldn’t even be a little surprised.”
This looks like the pile that’s left over after you shoot someone with the BFG in Doom.
Chocolate Bar:
NPX: Hrmmm, it looks like chocolate and it smells like chocolate, but for some reason it tastes like RLLD’s crab shampoo.
RATING: “This reminds me of that one time I got herpes.”
RLLD: If Willy Wonka Melted his factory down in a Nigerian village, and wrapped it in plastic this would be the end result.
RATING: ” Zero to stage 3 diabetes in one stupid MRE. Points for naming it ‘Suck a lotta ass’ though”
SOKOLADAS by Ruta! Now made with 100% bull’s milk!
MRE # 9: French Le Shit
Contains: Crackers of course, Veal, Sweet & Sour Pork, Dessert, Dessert, Dessert, Holy Shit More Dessert
This one mercifully came with a piece of paper that had English translations on it. We wished it hadn’t when we found out what was inside.
NPX: I SURRENDER! hahaha get it?!
RLLD: That piece of paper was flavor relief…
Such nice bright colours! Enjoy them before extreme food poisoning takes your eyes and soul.
Crackers and Hare Pate:
RLLD: Paint me Black because I officially hate Crackers now. All these fucking crackers have absorbed WAY to much booze for me too be even remotely drunk enough for this!
RATING: “I Pepe le puked at the thought of another cracker.”
NPX: More like “Hair Pate.”
RATING: “Even my camera gagged, hence they blurry photo.”
This should have come with a white flag to wave.
Chicken Curry Soup:
RLLD: This will go just super with the sweet and sour everything else to come.
RATING: “One order of Hyper Diarrhea coming up!”
NPX: Goddamn it! After just seeing RLLD spray a shart through the eye of a needle, and E. Honda 100 hand-slapping the wall in pain, I am going to drown this fucker in vodka…which actually worked! Delish!
RATING: “Somebody pass me that broken Bruce Cockburn CD.”
A nice fresh cup of polio diarrhea!
Sweet & Sour Pork:
RLLD: My hands are shivering like I slept in a sugary snowbank…
RATING: “How long has my nose been bleeding?”
NPX: They sure took the whole Sweet & Sour thing to a whole new level. First you start with a sweet, awful flavor (kind of like someone farted a pile of powdered sugar into your mouth) which keeps building until, suddenly, KERPOW! The sour makes you its bitch, prison-raping your face until you’re forced to swallow the pork and your pride in one teary-eyed gulp.
RATING: “Half a star for making me forget everything else for a nanosecond.”
It looks somewhat normal, but it is a lying whore like your mother.
Apricot Jelly Bar:
RLLD: Normally, I am allergic to apricots and my throat slams shut when I eat them. This isn’t food, so my throat slammed shut to prevent me from swallowing it…
RATING: “An allergic reaction would be welcome right about now if it gets me out of this. Too bad uncontrollable vomiting is a side effect 
“
NPX: RLLD sure is allergic to a lot of ingredients today…almonds, apricots, crackers, being not gay. The only way to bring him back if he dies is by clapping. Anyway, on with this other fruit…oh, something sweet, this should be a nice change. Perhaps a more accurate name for this would be: “Rotten assfruit roll-up drowned in cocaine-grade sugar.”
RATING: “This is how diabetics commit suicide.”
Pate de Colombia
Veal in Marengo Sauce:
RLLD: This is what my next shit is going to look like. A Gelatinous, tear soaked, sugar-coated piece of rubber that’s going to solve the fly problem by killing them all with diabetes. I poop Candy.
RATING: “Check my toilet for a Golden Wrapper!”
NPX: How about Death in Fuck Off Sauce? My stomach just kicked me in the balls and spit in my face.
RATING: “Just like every woman I’ve ever met.”
Bonjour, J’mapelle disgusting le puke.
Nougat Aux Fruits:
RLLD: MMMMM! This goes great with the bottom of my trash can! I thought this garbage only haunted us at Christmas?
RATING: ”Tastes like previously chewed sugary chalk.”
NPX: I love nougat, or, more accurately, I used to love it. Why do the French have to ruin everything I love? Except for three-ways, they kind of nailed that one.
RATING: “Nougie Howser, M.D. just euthanized my palette.”
More candy? Is it Halloween? No seriously I’ve lost all sense of time and taste.
Tapioca:
RLLD: Ugh. I shouldn’t have finished the one actual dinnerish meal and maybe I could have gone to bed without any desert. Let’s get this straight; I am lactose intolerant, I hate sweets almost as much as the French, yet here I sit at the Willy Wonka buffet line. If you went to candyland, this would be its equivalent to an Indian Reserve.
RATING: ”This had better be the end of the candy.”
NPX: How do you mess up pudding?! Bill Cosby is rolling around in his grave. He’s dead right? If not he should be to make my joke work.
RATING: “Crapioca.”
Another dessert? Are these MREs or snack packs?
Caramels and Dark Chocolate:
RLLD: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck! Did the French run because they were hyper and needed to burn off energy!? I haven’t seen this much candy in one place since before NPX tinted the windows in his trunk.
RATING: “My eye’s are bleeding. By no means is this good at all…”
NPX: Does that box say Dupont? Is this another edible oil product like Cool Whip? If it is, something’s wrong because these caramels are hard than my dick at a Japanese Sorority Popsicle Licking contest. I used the darker-than-the-porn-I-watch chocolate to grout the cracks in my teeth.
RATING: “Thanks the dark lord that this is the last one! Time for our closing thoughts…”
a 4th and 5th dessert? Why the fuck not?
BONUS!
MRE # 10: 38 Year Old Vietnam War MRE!
Contains: Poison, Ears, Sadness, Smokes!
Wait. What? Fuccccccckkkkkkk! Seriously?! This is from 1974?! Fuuuuuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!
And they say nothing gets out of the Phantom Zone!
Pfft. Newport? The joke tells itself.
Pears:
RLLD: No.
RATING: “Not even if it meant keeping women out of office… well maybe”
NPX: What. In. The. Fuck?
RATING: “I am too scared to write anything funny.”
“Dude what the fuck is wrong with you guys?!” —Jigsaw
Crackers and Chocolate Disk:
RLLD: Awwww, these don’t look half bad. Too bad I swore I’d never eat another fucking cracker again ever!”
RATING: “I wouldn’t give these to the homeless! …nor change! …nor real food! …nor the time!”
NPX: More poisonous almonds for RLLD to choke on? Count me in!
RATING: “Quick, someone give him Ass To Mouth!”
With a big cold class of Agent Orange for dipping
Pineapple:
NPX: Apparently pineapple turns into crude oil if you leave it for 40 years. I wonder if the same will happen to all the barrels of hooker meat that keep RLLD’s houseboat afloat?
RATING: “When you stare into the pineapple, the pineapple stares back at you.” —Nietzsche
RLLD: Ya, like fuck.
RATING: “YOU WILL DIE!” —Google
Chopped Ham & Eggs:
RLLD: No I will not eat them in a boat, no they won’t go near my throat. Screw you uncle Sam, I will not eat what you call Eggs and Chopped Ham.
RATING: “First let me staple my genitals to my leg”
NPX: Well it smells like a mass grave, so I guess that counts for something.
RATING: “I think a ghost flew out when I opened this.”
Newport Menthol Smokes:
RLLD: Finally, a breath of fresh air in this garbage! Wait…
RATING: “I love the smell of my own lungs in the morning!”
NPX: Holy shit I am excited! I have never seen someone get cancer right in front of me before!
RATING: “Minty, with a hinty of napalm.”
Closing Thoughts:
RLLD: This was the worst day of my life in my mouth. I want to wash this down with a beer and then eat the bottle. A nice broken glass salad, topped with batteries and a Draino vinaigrette is the only way to complete this debacle.
NPX: I’m never eating again.
Haiku:
Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo
boooooo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo
bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aah aah aah aah
—NPX/RLLD
Meals Regretfully Eaten, Part 2: MREtarded
Contributing Authors: neuroparadox (NPX), ramalamalongdong (RLLD), JockolateBear (JOCKO)
Time for the second part of our “Torture ourselves for your amusement” series.
It has been over a month since our first foray into the world of barely edible food. The length between parts is not due to our laziness, but to the time need for our stomach linings to grow back and their ability to handle solid food once again. We have a guest joining us this time, but he is just here to finish our drinks and have 911 pre-typed into his phone for the inevitable ambulance ride to the hospital and, more likely, morgue. This whole experiment is going to be diarrhisky©. So against all common sense and doctor’s orders, we dive once more into the breach.
Opening Thoughts:
NPX: ”All of the closing summaries of each food item will be of things I would rather be doing than eating this shit. I hope there is enough watermelon vodka this time.”
JOCKO: “I am an indian, my thoughts are of no concern to the oppressive white man.” *Starts dancing*
RLLD: “It’s a shame his people don’t believe in taxes, because he couldn’t have picked a more ‘taxing’ (get it?) activity to show up for! Mind you, I think he’s just here for the free food and to steal our empties.”
MRE # 4: Cheese Tortellini Vegetarian
Contains: Pasta in Tomato Sauce, Apple Pieces, Peanut Butter & Crackers, Energy Bar, Lemonade.
My stomach feels diarrhea-tarded already
Chunky Peanut Butter and Crackers:
RLLD: This again? Pretty sure that not even a stray canine (straynine?) would lick this peanut butter out of your ass no matter how desperate it was!
RATING: “Michael Vick wouldn’t feed this shit to his dogs.”
NPX: Ah yes, I remember these from the Penne Pasta MRE, probably because there is still some stuck to the roof of my mouth. I also remember the moisture absorbing quality of the crackers. I suggest that Procter & Gamble snatch up this technology so they can wrap soup cans with the crackers and sell it to New Jersey women as the new Tampax: For Whores.
RATING: “I would rather be a moustache groomer on the set of gay porno.”
JOCKO: Did you guys buy Budweiser? It truly is the Chief of beers.
RATING: 
”1 out of 12 Buds gone! I hope you lightwhites bought more, eh.”
Why did they have to cancel Dawson's Creek?!
First Strike Chocolate Energy Bar:
NPX: Haha it kind of looks like an Eat-more bar! *Takes bite, stops laughing* Ughh more like an Eat-less (Zing!). They should call it ‘Fist Strike’ because it hits you in the taste buds with jab of awful molasses flavour and doesn’t stop until it is punch-fucking your throat into reverse-paristalsis.
RATING: “I would rather eat a fart-flavoured hot dog out of Rosie O’Donnell’s hairy vagiant.”
RLLD: Well this sucked. I don’t think I ever met an energy bar that I liked in the first place. Why I thought one dubbed “First Strike” that came out of a plastic bag packed for war would be any different is beyond me. The threat of having to eat this would give me more energy than eating it itself.
RATING: “Only because it made me think of an Oh Henry and made my mouth water. And then I tried it and swore off food forever.”
JOCKO: I get all the energy I need from hunting my own meals…from the local Save-On…using food stamps as my weapon.
RATING: 
”I rate my hunting skills 4 out of 5 mighty buffalo…wings.”
The first thing it strikes is your taste buds
Powder Base Lemonade:
NPX: This tasted ok I guess. Kind of like if you took Crystal Light and mixed in some fish poison. I am concerned by the name of some of the ingredients shown on the surprisingly normal-sized packaging. If only there was something we could add to make this drink less harmful. *Grabs WMV, adds 4 Oz.* My watermelony master fixes all drinks and makes me forget all wrongs. Now, who parked my truck on the lawn and spilled Elmer’s glue on my Twilight poster?
RATING: “I would rather have lemonade just like mom used to make: lemons, water, sugar and telling me what a disappointment I am.”
RLLD: They call it lemonade, I call it the beginning of a canker sore.
RATING: ”I would taste great with watermelon vodka if you left out the lemonade part.”
JOCKO: This drink is too sweet and way too non-alcoholic for my refined pallete. Also, it burns the holes in my gums where teeth used-to-was.
RATING: 
”I rate thishh 4 of my original teeth left out of 32.”
One drink to rule them all!
Spiced Apple Slices:
RLLD: Apparently they recycle apples… Ever heard the term used by someone describing how they feel after getting pissed the night before? “I feel like a bag of smashed apples?” Well, obviously they were exaggerating, because they were never vac-sealed and shipped overseas to feed soldiers.
RATING: “Did anyone hear that sweet Al-Qaeda/Apple-Pieda joke I made?! Fuck.”
NPX: These kind of taste like apples; in the same way that placenta also kind of tastes like apples. Except placenta has a lot more pleasing texture…and taste. I am pretty sure this gave me tuberculosis somehow.
RATING: “I would rather be bukkaked by Spider-man and Peter North.”
JOCKO: These have an extremely smokey flavour that reminds me of bingo night (every night!). Oh wait, I am eating from an ashtray.
RATING: 
”I rate that ashtray 3 out of 5 cigarettes”
Pre-chewed for your unenjoyment
Cheese Tortellini and Tomato Sauce:
RLLD: Tastes like bark mulch. If the Flu had a flavour, it would taste like the combined spices did after we added them half-way through the main course. Looks like Leonardo, Donatello, Michaelangelo, and Shakespeare took a shit in a circle.
RATING: ”Two words: Chernobyl pasta.”
NPX: This is how I know God doesn’t exist. On the plus side, my tears added a nice salty flavour. Not surprisingly, this had the same consistency of the apples only without the tangy zip of tasting like mucus.
RATING: “I would rather eat a bowlful of leaky batteries.”
JOCKO: I don’t know what kind of fish a Tortellini is. How many can I fit in my canoe? Is it like a salmon? I love salmon.
RATING: 
”I would eat delicious salmon 6 out of 7 days a week.”
Chef Boyardisgusting
MRE # 5: Chicken Fajita
Contains: Chicken Fajita Filling, Tortillas, Mexican Style Rice, Snack Crackers, Cheese Spread, Irish Cream Cappuccino.
The first time we have had a chicken ration
Mexican Rice:
RLLD: At first glance I will admit that I didn’t have high expectations for this. I mean, what’s Mexican rice? I have had SPANISH rice, but never Mexican. I best take a bite to see how it is…
Holy shit! Call me if you want some winning lotto numbers, or the winner of the Super Bowl because I am clearly psychic. This stale piece of garbage had the texture of stale rice…after someone else ate it, washed it down with some Sauza Silver, and took a shit on a hot sidewalk.
RATING: “Hard, brown, with chunks of corn and questionable red and green spots throughout it, surrounded by soft, runny edges is how it looked both before, and after.”
NPX: You know something’s not going to be good when you remove it from its packaging and it holds the same shape as the bag it was in. Look at that picture down there! I am surprised that serial number that was stamped on the bag wasn’t depressed into the rice blob. Speaking of depressed…eating this makes me want to slash my wrists with the plastic spoon that was included in the MRE. The rice isn’t even cooked all the way through. It’s like raccoon got into some raw rice and chili peppers, ate it and then shit directly into a foil pouch.
RATING: “I would rather staple my dick to my balls.”
JOCKO: How much did all this food cost? I would chip in, but I don’t get paid until the first Wednesday of every month.”
RATING: 
”3 out of 4 of my social assistance cheques are blown on salmon and Budweiser every quarter.”
"Your rice envelope is served, sir"
Cheese Snack Crackers w/ Cheese Spread:
RLLD: Not too shabby. Other than the expected stale tasting crackers that we seem to constant have to ingest at every turn. These crackers were greasy as fuck though. I am pretty sure that I could rub them on chest over my heart to see how clogged the cheese spread made my arteries.
RATING: ”A star for each cardiac bypass I’ll soon need.”
NPX: These are probably the most tolerable thing I will eat today. I still can’t stand the cheese spread though; it’s like a bunch of Oompa Loompas circle-jerked into a tube and laughingly sold it to the US government. The crackers themselves aren’t completely inedible, although they are greasier than an Italian’s pillow. I dropped some on the floor and was able to see through to the basement.
RATING: “I would rather have an orgy with two dead cats, an active volcano, Andy Dick and an aggressively gay shark with herpes. Also, Andy Dick has herpes too.”
JOCKO: I fucking rode here on a bike.
RATING: 
”1 stolen bike.”
You would think cheese and cheese would go together...
Chicken Fajita w/ Tortillas:
RLLD: Okay, this is where the Mexican rice would have come from if I had eaten it first and then shit it out. It wasn’t THAT bad, certainly a step up from the rice itself. This is quite literally the human equivalent of dog food.
RATING: “Eating this is like tossing a hot chick’s salad: The bowl may be nice, but in the end, the meal is still kind of shitty.”
NPX: I was equally excited and anxious about finally having a chicken dish to eat. My excitement was quickly dashed with one whiff of the fajita, and my anxiety was affirmed with a taste. While the actual flavour of the chicken and fajita-flavoured slug juice wasn’t too bad, the consistency of the dish was left in purgatory somewhere between fresh cat throw-up and the lung scrapings from a smoker’s autopsy. But still, not too bad!
RATING: “I would rather have sex with Megan Fox, but only if she was really polite about it.”
JOCKO: Did you keep the plummage from the bird? I want to make a hat.
RATING: 
”Only 7 feathers?! I need 3 more to finish my war hat and clean out my peace pipe.”
"Who stole the fajitas and then puked in this bowl?"
Irish Cream Cappuccino:
NPX: I frequent Starbucks, so I know how a Cappuccino is supposed to taste: near Halloween it tastes like pumpkin spice, in November it tastes like ham (yum!) and near Christmas it tastes like candy cane. If it’s just one of my regular morning Cap’s, it tastes like 1 Oz. Amaretto, 1 Oz. Grand Marnier and 1 Oz. Irish Cream. Also, there is no coffee. While this coffee isn’t horrible, you are expected to make it in the weird shaped bag that the coffee powder comes in. Good fucking luck with that; pouring boiling water into a plastic bag, what could possibly go wrong?!
RATING: “I would rather be put into a fart coma by a couple of obese sailors.”
RLLD: This wasn’t bad. With shipping it was still cheaper than your average Starbucks blend.
RATING: ”Cheaper than Starbucks, but still prepared and served by a metrosexual (NPX).”
JOCKO: Cappuccino sounds like another type of fish. I really have to go to the bathro…nevermind.
RATING: 
”1 out of the 3 of us has a piss-covered shirt.”
Left: The included uhhh drinkbag. Right: The appropriate chalice.
MRE # 6: Beef Enchilada
Contains: Beef Enchilada in Sauce, Refried Beans, Vegetable Crackers & Cheese Spread, Cookie.
Thank sweet baby Jesus, it's the last one!
Vegetable Crackers and Jalapeno Cheese Spread:
RLLD: Tastes like I just ate smoke. “Spicy Cardboard” I heard someone reference before they were stretchered out. I am pretty sure this shit will burn all the way down, and then again all the way up. My ass is going to spray fire into the air like a dragster running the quarter-mile… which will be me, but at the end of my quarter-mile will be a toilet or dresser drawer…or wherever Mount St. Ramalama decides to blow!
RATING: “And I thought I was lactose intolerant before…”
NPX: I think I have made my feelings about the cheese spread clear, and they are only solidified by the inclusion of jalapenos. Thanks you MRE, for destroying two of my most beloved food groups: cheese and peppers. I took my cracker and threw it directly into the trash.
RATING: “I would rather let an Asian woman from Alberta drive my car in the snow.”
JOCKO: Is that a ’78 Ford in your garage? Mind if I take some parts while you are sleeping?
RATING: 
”2 of the 4 Fords parked on my lawn are up on blocks…the other 2 are rusted to the frame and grown over by the never-been-mowed grass.”
I just pray they don't have "meat crackers"
Refried Beans:
RLLD: Boring, looked like someone took a dump on my plate, zero flavour, needed salt, and could hold drywall in place. Tasted just like every other plate of refried beans I’ve ever had. What the hell is this sauce they gave us? Battery acid?
RATING: “If it walks like shit, and quacks like shit…It must be from Mexico.”
NPX: Two words: Re-cryed beans. The only way that these can be considered refried beans is if the word “fried” also means “shit out by a sick Buffalo.” We added some of the picante sauce to the beans, but I am pretty sure it was just untreated water from a pulp mill.
RATING: “I would rather blindly drain every curiously effervescent drink bought for me in a rough gay bar.”
JOCKO: My girlfriends/cousins always kick me out of the house if I eat beans. They make my rear end have ‘big thunder.’
RATING: 
”These beans make 4 out of 5 stinky triangle tents.”
Shown with a side of WTF sauce
Beef Enchilada:
RLLD: Did anyone taste test this shit before it went out to those defending freedom? If freedom means people can make crap like this, then long live Kim Jong Il. Oh wait, we forgot the seasoning. *Adds ground red pepper packet* AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Cheesus Crust! The delayed shock of eating what appears to be dried battery acid hit me! This is what Mustard Gas must taste like. My mouth is hotter than a German oven! Desperation and agony make me believe that sawing my balls off will help somehow.
RATING: “Zero! Just like how many taste buds I have left!”
NPX: Hmmmm, looks like the tortellini but just with one giant pasta in the middle. Oh well it doesn’t really taste bad, maybe this red pepper powder that it came with will make it better…I wonder what RLLD is screaming about. *Adds pepper* …wtf? WTF? WTF!? AwooooOOOOOooOOOOOO! SONOFABITCH! Cockblaster that is spicy! My mouth is hotter than an Indian’s TV! I can’t stop sneezing and spraying enchilada sauce (and blood?) all over the walls. Now I see why America had to pull out of Vietnam.
RATING: “I would pretty much do anything to record RLLD’s face as he eats another spoonful of peppery death.”
JOCKO: You two have become like brothers to me. We shall bury RLLD in my tribe’s ancient burial ground that was recently found between the bingo hall and discount liquor store.
RATING: 
”Once we bury him, there will be an actual human body there instead of just cat bones and chicken wings. I mean shhhhhhh.”
Looks like it could use a little spice!
Cookie with Pan Coated Chocolate Discs:
RLLD: I may as well have eaten air. I taste, feel, and sense nothing anymore after the Beef Enchilada. Hmmmm…why can I see myself laying on the floor, NPX playing on my cell phone and JOCKO passed out after drinking two Budweiser and some paint? Uh oh…
RATING: “Well if I am a ghost, first stop is the girl’s lockeroom at the Catholic high school. Does that make me a deadophile?”
NPX: It’s good to see that the US can’t afford to license M&M’s and instead opted for ”pan coated chocolate discs.” That name really just rolls off the tongue. This cookie is actually pretty normal! Finally something that isn’t at all freaky-deaky. Wait a minute, the cookie is staring at me…there is a face in the cookie! Oh my god, he is telling me to burn things. I must obey my delicious cookie master and light JOCKO on fire.
RATING: “I would rather have a dessert that is not a pyromaniac.”
JOCKO: What the fuck, eh? Did you just light me on fire? I only eat the red pan coated chocolate discs. *More dancing*
RATING: 
”4 out of 5 dreamcatchers. But that’s only because I am so wasted from drinking all of your guys’ cherry whiskey and red wine vinegar.”
Even the cookie mocks us!
Closing Thoughts:
RLLD: “And this concludes part two of our self-sodomization. Never in a million years will I do this again. Even if I wanted too, the Beef Enchiladeath fused my lips together. I am pretty sure I was resuscitated twice tonight. Same with Jocko though, but that’s what you get for drinking Lysol.”
NPX: “Let’s not do this ever again. Ever. Hey, did RLLD die? Give me his phone.”
JOCKO: “Teepee or not Teepee that is the question…did you piss on my shirt?!”
Haiku:
Eat some more of these?
Ummm I think we would rather
swallow a bullet
—NPX/RLLD
Related articles
- Meal’s Regretfully Eaten, Part 1: MREvils (neuroparadox.com)
Meals Regretfully Eaten, Part 1: MREvils
Contributing Authors: neuroparadox (NPX), ramalamalongdong (RLLD).
INTRO BY RLLD
I used to be in the army. Yup, it’s true, a long time ago I wore the uniform that demanded respect, admiration, and shit ass meals. The vacuum packaged meals were made to eat anytime and anywhere, so long as you had… well, considering you didn’t need bullshit like “water” or “a pot”, you really needed nothing. Just remember not to lose your tactical spork though; that part is crucial.
Your expectations of these meals, understandably, should be about as low as your expectations for an Alberta NHL team’s playoff run. The army is all about health and fitness and keeping you going for as long as possible, so until they develop the Mobile Military McDonald’s or MMM™, you’re stuck with this shit.
Today, thanks to the glorious blessing that is the internet we have acquired a handful of M.R.E’s to prepare, taste and report back to you, our adoring fan (Hi Mom!)
You ungrateful bastards better appreciate this. So if ever you have to partake in this taste bud odyssey yourselves, you’ll hopefully have a better understanding of which one sucks less.
To begin, NPX and I shall offer you our expectations going into this food version of Jackass. Right after we finish a few WMV’s and give each other a few BJ’s… That stands for BaJa’s people! SHOTS OF BAJA ROSA!
Off of each other's dicks!
EXPECTATIONS
RLLD : I’ve been down this road before so my expectations aren’t very high. I’m not sure if these are Yankee fuck rations, or Canadian one’s. I am pretty sure that they’re American, even though I couldn’t find any McDonald’s fries in the packing or ketchup.
Last time I had one of these though I am pretty sure we boiled it on our portable hot plate things. I remember it being “Salisbury steak” and cutting it with my spoon. Of course as memory serves me, we were one step away from boiling a sock and eating that. Luckily… it didn’t come to that, even though I’ve never eaten a sock I can’t say which would be worse.
NPX: I’ve never had military food before, unless you count KFC which is technically made by a Colonel. And the only combat training I have received was from the Star Wars Kid videos. Regardless, I have high hopes for these meals. I mean, how bad can they be? *Thunder Crashes Outside*
"I'll see you very soon."
MRE # 1: SPICY PENNE PASTA VEGETARIAN
Contains: Peanut Butter, Crackers, Drink, Raisins, Penne Pasta, Dessert, Gum, Matches, Moist Towelette.
It's like opening Pandora's box...
Peanut Butter and Crackers:
RLLD: Fucking gross. From the odd-coloured Peanut butter to the petrified wood crackers, I’ve never had less fun eating. I wasn’t a huge fan of the ol’ nutty butty going into this, so maybe I am just biased. You definitely need a beverage to wash this down with. I recommend gasoline. By the way, one of the ingredients was something called “Rapeseed” so that brings this rating up a point.
RATING: “Rapeseed is the new name for my sperm.”
NPX: The crackers alone were not a good start and tasted like a stale newspaper that was used as a spray guard for someone rust-proofing their car. The peanut butter tasted somewhat like it should except left my mouth so dry I thought I was going to shrivel up like the guy at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
RATING: ”You have chosen…poorly.”
You'll notice that Brown is the main color in most dishes.
Orange Flavoured No Fruit Juice:
RLLD: Even Al Bundy wouldn’t be happy to find on this on his dinner table. I can’t tell which the bigger enemy would be. This shit, or Al Qaeda. What a way to ruin 12 ounces of water. *Adds 6 ounces of Vodka* Thish ishn’t mush betterrr!
RATING: Without Alcohol, “I think it gave me diabetes.”
RATING: With Alcohol, “I can’t tell if I threw up from being drunk, or poisoned.”
NPX: The packet of no-fruit fruit drink contains enough mystery powder to be a guest star on CSI. Ignoring paradoxical title of the drink , when added to water the liquid seemed to lack any flavor. That is until the after-taste, which left me feeling like I had just enjoyed a cup of medical waste tea. But, as with any other foul-tasting beverage (I’m looking at you, Mountain Dew), just add ice and booze and all will be forgiven.
RATING: Without Alcohol, ”A cross between an orange, a tangerine and donkey compost.”
RATING: With Alcohol, ”EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!”
Pictured: Evolution
Raisins, Osmotic:
RLLD: FUUUUUUUCK! It’s like the worst day of my life… in my mouth. Is this what they use to torture prisoners? No, I am pretty sure the juice is what they use to execute serial killers. It’s going to take a piledriver to keep this down my throat. If you covered these in chocolate, you’d have chocolate-covered shit. I don’t think I’ll ever enjoy food again…
RATING: “I’d rather pull my foreskin over my head than eat these ever again.”
NPX: OMFG! The smell…sweet baby Jesus. Military surgeons must use the odor from this packet to cure Coma patients. These “raisins” are the primary cause of Hulk turning green and smashing things. Apparently military grade raisins are not sun-dried, but slowly curdled in Rosie O’Donnell’s colon. Osmotic must mean “LOL I can’t believe you just ate that!” The same grapes are used to make Arbor Mist and turpentine. I would rather swallow a bullet than another one of these fruit abortions. Even the picture I took of the raisins didn’t turn out.
RATING: “I’d rather eat my underwear after curry night at Jeffrey Dahmer’s place.”
This is what the military thinks raisins should taste like.
Penne Pasta with Vegetable Crumbles in Spicy Tomato Sauce:
RLLD: It’s not fair rating anything after that last episode. How I could not rate this breath of fresh air anything less than a 7 out of 5 on the “not another raisin scale?” It didn’t taste like raisins, or a marathons runners ball sack, so this was a welcome alternative. I suppose not tasting like raisins isn’t so much a means to rate this all that high considering I could have replicated the flavor given some hot water, and bits of cardboard.
RATING: ”It’s the same consistency as a brain from someone on Jersey Shore.”
NPX: If I ate this and a bowl of sawdust mixed with soy milk I am 60% positive that I would give the edge in flavour to the Penne. It is blander that a female trying to do comedy and must be what Chef Boyardee’s diarrhea tastes like. It wasn’t bad, but it is far from being edible in non-combative situations. I only consider this fit for dogs to eat, and that’s just because I fucking hate dogs.
RATING: “At least it doesn’t have raisins in it.”
Looks like the remains of what you might find in the back of a windowless van.
Spice Pound Cake:
RLLD: Someone spelled “Desert” wrong on the packing.
RATING: “I think it drank my water!”
NPX: Yay dessert! Finally something that is potentially good. Though the fact that there is a ‘Do Not Eat’ packet resting on top doesn’t bode well. *takes bite* WATER! For the love of L. Ron, someone give me water! I think they made this moisture void out of the reject crackers from earlier and sprinkled it random spices like nutmeg, baby powder, rapeseed and whatever Marvin the Martian used to dehydrate all those monsters.
RATING: “They could have used this to soak up that whole Katrina mess.”
This could blow Sham-Wow out of the water.
Bonus: Gum
RLLD/NPX: What the fuuuuuck? Who packed these MRE’s? IRAQ?! I thought gum was supposed to make your breath better… I’m pretty sure this is what they give the soldier who is bleeding out in the battlefield to end his suffering. Either that, or those taint-flavored raisins. After the gum we had to eat the matches to get the taste out of our mouths.
RATING: ”It’s like that hard chunk of toothpaste on the end of the roll after you lose the cap.”
Only not as good.
MRE # 2: BEEF PATTY
Contains: Pretzels, Drink, Wheat Bread, ”hamburger”, BBQ & Cheese Sauces, Pasta, Gum, Matches, Moist Towelette.
"Just want to note that looking at what this M.R.E has to offer is looking pretty good right about now!" -RLLD
Beverage Base Raspberry:
RLLD: If hate were a liquid, this would be it. It’s like I chilled some transmission fluid and poured it into a glass. This shit would kill a cockroach. Wait… uh oh.
RATING: ”I wish we weren’t out of Vodka.”
NPX: Notice the dim light in the background of the cup? That is actually a “holy-fuck-that’s-bright” flashlight set to full, blinding power and it barely shines through. This must be for getting soldiers used to the idea of drinking the blood of their enemies.
RATING: ”Tastes better with the last of the Vodka.”
When is stare into the beverage powder, the beverage powder also stares into you.
Nacho Cheese Pretzels:
NPX: Other than smelling like an old ski boot and looking like rabbit shit, these aren’t completely inedible! Not bad.
RATING: “Finally something that doesn’t taste like armpit!”
RLLD: These taste like armpit! Salt seasoned, deep-fried sand filled with nacho cheese. Compared to the raisins it’s like Aphrodite spat in my mouth.
RATING: “I’d buy these if they were made by Dorito’s.”
I wonder if they were cut from one really long pretzel...
Beef Patty with BBQ sauce on Wheat Snack Bread topped by Cheese Spread with Bacon:
RLLD: This one just pissed me off! Now I know bacon and I didn’t detect a hint of it in whatever this shit was. But I didn’t taste the devil’s dick either so I can’t really complain. This conCOCKtion still wasn’t anything to write home about. Yes, it wasn’t that bad, but it was like the medal they give the Special Olympic athletes who finish an event without pissing their paints. The bread reminded me of that pound cake, minus 75% of the sugar. I’m trying to be funny but for some reason my skin is feeling really clammy all of a sudden…
RATING: ”After this, I am never going to eat a food that’s heated by a ¼ ounce of water and mystery powder again.”
NPX: Well it smells like the exact in-between of dog food and athlete’s foot. Despite the bread being harder than Chinese algebra, the meat making me sweat like a homo eating a hot-dog and the cheese spread looking like it had already been eaten once before…it didn’t make me want to throw up. Still better than Arby’s, but not as good as Fancy Feast.
RATING: “My stomach hurts…Remember that scene from Alien?”
Still smells better than a Whopper though!
Mexican Style Mac and Cheese:
NPX: I have never had what appears to be Mac & Cheese Au Jus before. While having the consistency of slug snot and not tasting anything like cheese, I can safely report that this tasted slightly better than the spoon. There seem to be an abundance of chilli peppers in the mix, maybe as a tactic to fry your taste buds before they have to be subjected to the wet-cardboard favoured macaroni. The only thing Mexican about this dish is the way that it working it’s way through my bowels like Speedy Gonzalez.
RATING: “I found another use for the moist towelette…”
RLLD: I wanna know what flavor it was they added to make everything brown? Did my roommate cook this? This is going to pass through me quicker than a bunch of banditos crossing the border.
RATING: “Those should be brown stars.”
Seriously, why is everything fucking brown?
MRE # 3: SLOPPY JOE
Contains: Trail Mix, Drink, Wheat Bread, Sloppy Joe Filling, Cheese Spread, Dessert, Gum, Matches, Moist Towelette.
Please Mr. MRE, don't ruin sloppy joes for us like you did pasta and hamburgers.
Nut Raisin Mix:
RLLD: This tastes normal….Why is my throat swelling up?
RATING: ”Why am I doing this? I am allergic to nuts…”
NPX: I haven’t had such a mix of nuts in my mouth since Richard Simmons and Clay Aiken spent the night at my house. These weren’t as salty though. At least the raisins tasted normal and looked somewhat like miniature versions of a certain American Idol Runner-up’s coin purse. It seems that RLLD likes them so much he is turning blue.
RATING: ”Nuts…Beautiful, beautiful nuts. Ohhhh and some trail mix!”
Carbohydrate Electrolyte Beverage Powder Lemon Lime:
RLLD: Looks like I’m getting a canker sore for Christmas. I couldn’t finish this, but luckily enough my car’s battery fluid was running low and this was the perfect amount to top it up.
RATING: ”So long, stomach lining.”
NPX: I don’t know what an electrolyte is but I had high hopes of this drink giving me Sith-like powers to smite enemies or effeminate Jedi’s. Judging by the size of the package that this drink mix came in, I think it’s safe to say that is the opposite of efficient packaging. After you have your tasty beverage, you can use the wrapper as a sleeping bag.
RATING: ”I can’t wait for the cheese spread next!”
"Two tablespoons of powder? Here, use this envelope."
Wheat snack bread & Cheese spread with Jalapeno’s:
NPX: Ughhhhhh it’s the worst. The “cheese” spreads on the brick bread like oily Silly Putty. They should have called this CheeseW40 and should only be fed to cars. I asked Johnny Knoxville to try some and he just laughed at me then stapled his balls to Steve-O’s dick. Worst thing yet. Feed only to the gimp.
RATING: “Toss me some matches.”
RLLD: They give this shit to starving countries? No wonder they’re starving! This shit ruined my will to eat too. The only thing I have to look forward to after this is the massive weight loss that’s sure to follow now that I don’t trust food anymore. For once I am grateful I wasn’t drunk before doing something stupid; not that I could forget this experience no matter hard I will try.
RATING: ”This gets one star because it came in a small amount”
I am pretty sure this gave us AIDS...
Sloppy Joes:
RLLD: It’s like sweet and sour flavored. Again, the main course isn’t too bad, but that’s comparing it to some of the other crap I’ve ingested today. Thank goodness for the tiny bottle of off-coloured tabasco sauce. At this stage I could be seasoning this food with winning lottery numbers and it still wouldn’t help.
RATING: ”I kind of like the Kool-Aid Demi-Glacé.”
Shown for scale, not as a recipe.
NPX: Looks like baked beans in ketchup. Tastes like baked ketchup and sugar. The tiny balls of meat all seem to be the same size and have little M’s printed on them. This was the best entrée of the bunch, but that’s like saying that this is the best smelling old person in a hospital.
RATING: “Dessert for dinner?! I’m Sold.”
Maybe we were supposed to put the cheese on top of here...
Fudge Brownie:
RLLD: The packet seemingly baked into the dessert says “DO NOT EAT”. Probably too late now to be looking for warning signs. It tastes like pure cocoa, that’s been pressed together by an elephants ass cheeks. The plus side to eating this crap was finding out how many cavities I have. Which are 3 more than when I started.
RATING:
NPX: With all the air suctioned out, this brownie was left denser than a blonde at MOMA. I think all the sugar from this was put into the Sloppy Joe’s by mistake. It wasn’t really all that bad, kind of tasted like if you took gas station paper towels, exorcised the flavour and ran it over with 18-wheeler hauling RLLD’s ex-girlfriends.
RATING: Brownie, “Reminds me of Morgan Freeman for some reason”
RATING: RLLD’s exes, “Bahahahahahaha”
Mmmmmm chocolate brick
That’s about all our stomachs can take for now. But believe me there is more. Stay tuned next week for the next 3 flavours of tongue-numbing, gut-wrenching, boner-softening rations.
Haiku:
These might taste okay
If your next meal was going
to be a land mine.
—RLLD/NPX
