…Mine’s More Important and I Don’t Care if You Have One!
Women. I don’t understand them, and I probably never will. It’s hard to put a finger on (or in) any one reason as to why they have such power over men. I don’t even live with one, and yet I find my actions affected by them.
My father gave me some advice that his father gave to him, that his father gave to him:
“Son, I’m going to give you some advice, that my father gave to me, that his father gave to him. Batshit crazy is about as common in women as long hair.”
Spoken like a true scholar! Now, unless you’ve really been in a serious relationship, and have spent 24 hours in the presence of one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse, you may not FULLY understand. But women are emotional creatures. Their mood swings to and fro like my rosebud as I step out of the shower.
Eventually, just ‘being yourself‘ will land you in hot water. Here are some common scenarios you will most likely find yourself in (assuming I’ve had your typical relationship) and things NOT to say or do.
“YOU’RE DRUNK!? We’re supposed to go to my parents tonight?”
Apparently, bailing on Easter Dinner using the excuse ‘too drunk to drive’ is ill-advised and the only time this excuse holds no water.
“No, I’m fine. Nothing is wrong!”
“Okay, good! I won’t have to miss amateur night at the Hooter Barn!” This should put you in pretty good shape I think.
“You know damn well why I am so upset!”
Baby, if I had the powers required to figure out what the hell it was you’re trying to tell me, I would have bought a lottery ticket long ago and would be having this argument with a much better looking woman right now.
“Do you know what today is?”
The correct answer is never ‘Garbage day?’
“We need to talk…”
How come every time ‘we’ need to talk it’s always about some shit I need to change?
Basically, if you appreciate questions with no answers, then you might be suited for a relationship! But it’s not all wrong answered questions and a blowjobs! Nope, it’s generally filled with many uphill battles, nights on the couches, and constant reminders that your hygiene compares with the dog.
If you ever thought for a moment that you were a “pretty clean guy” think again! You’ve never been more fucking wrong in your life. If you added 2 and 2 together and got potato, you would technically be more right.
Try helping out around the house and cleaning a bathroom and then getting a percentage grade upon completion.
“You missed a spot! You only cleaned 95% of it!”
I bet that the OB/GYN rooting around inside of your junk never got 95% on anything, and you’re worried about my not scrubbing behind the toilet? You should be grateful that I only cleaned 95% of the bathroom with your toothbrush…
And now a Haiku:
I am so in love
I think you’re truly gorgeous
Your sister’s hot too!