…that title made more sense a month ago. So let’s pretend you got a ride in the Delorian and were taken to the past to give ol’ Marty McFly a handy jay in a Woodward’s parking lot.
If procrastination were an Olympic event than give me the yellow one, because this was written with the intent of kicking off the Olympics. Lo and behold here I am, two weeks late, having disappointed all of my fans.
Anyway… it’s that time of every 4th year, where countries your typical American has never heard of (New Zealand), converge in one spot to compete for medals most of them will probably sell; and NPX posts something on the Space Boner that doesn’t consist of copying, pasting or eating toxic waste. (NPX EDIT: Fuckkk youuuuu!)
Anyway, the Olympics are in town and as always they will attract a kaleidoscope of cultures; Greeks, Italians, Middle Easties, Germans, East Indians, Paki’s, Frenchies, Blackies, Chinese, Japanese, Koreanese, Taiwanese, Thailandese, Vietnamese, and maybe a Russian or two. Some will even drive as far as TEN miles to be there, all in hopes of seeing what third world piss hole wins the gold.
By the way, a “third world piss hole” is a country where the athlete’s would rather have the cereal in the box than their picture on it.
Alright, now before any of you sleuths come down on me about the Canadian flag in the picture I just want to ask that you refrain from any racist, or prejudice remarks…
…because I have many to come so spare me your charity >:)
Besides, unless she won the gold for making it rain while pulling off a triple axle then she’s about as true a Canadian as the US Basketball team is American.
I can’t think of it at the moment but I am sure being that the above guy is German and all, there is an awesome joke here somewhere.
Hell, it’s the one time (not counting Canada) that countries converge on the same soil and don’t rape and pillage the place. This is the 3rd time this has happened in London, the first time being in 1908, then again in 1948, and now in 2012. Why such a long break in between 1908 and 1948 we’ll never know, but I am sure something came up.
So anyway, what this means, is that your average A typical redneck, dog farming, yokel can score year round basketball! Luckily for him, if he gets trashed and passes out early enough in the day he might be greeted to a 3am live Basketball game when he falls out of his sisters bed. So THANK the fucking stars the NBA All Star team will fill in the two weeks of the year that the NBA call’s it’s “off-season” by playing at the Olympics.
Yes, I am a tad bitter about Kobe Bryant and the 3-Point band being allowed into the Olympics. I mean, come on? Doesn’t anyone else see something wrong with this picture?
WHOSE TEAM ARE YOU ON ANYWAY?! The final score in this fucking blowout was almost as bad as if NPX and I took to the courts. Oh and the only subs we had were of the meatball variety.
Team USA took out about 200 years of angst on themselves…. wait, no sorry, that was Nigeria, my bad… and smashed the SHIT out of themsel…Nigeria by something like 100 friggin’ points. It was ridiculous. NPX and I would have put up a better fight, but only because we would stand under the net after getting super sweaty (and finishing our subs) and they wouldn’t want to check us. I predict 40 points before NPX shit out his heart. (NPX EDIT: 42 Points, asshat.)
Anyway, I witnessed this hate crime of a basketball game in the pub, and I remember looking and seeing the score was something like 174 to 70 for the (ahem) darker gentlemen. By the time I figured out which team was from the States and which team wasn’t a bench full of fucking liars, they’d scored 200 more points.
Can we bet on the Olympics? Because if we can I will staple my balls to the inside of my leg right now! Taking this bet would be like betting against Tyson (who I am a sure is a really nice guy) in a match against one of his wives.
The nice thing about the Olympics is that certain teams and people just expect to lose. I mean, imagine being (insert any other country) and having to face off against the US at Basketball? It’d be like swimming against Phelps. You’d only have a chance if he was forced to wear his medals from the last Olympics while racing.
You just gotta go in with a slightly lower expectation sometimes. Just like the parents of this creature. I think it’s a girl, but since all swimmers are forced to shave their legs I can’t say for sure.
Ugh, what a Kodak moment. So even though the games have come and gone, may the image of whatever the fuck this is haunt you until either the 2016 games, or NPX’s next original piece. (NPX EDIT: Get fucked you donkey!)
Nations come together
To compete for the gold
Because it’s worth more
But there is one quality attribute that usually sets most fellas apart. It is a rare and mysterious condition. So rare in fact, that it has been dubbed “The White Whale” (by me…just now.) Though, “The Black Whale” might make more sense… It has been known most famously to strike school teachers, ambulance drivers and, most of all, surveyors.
It’s hard to explain, really. Unless I either undo my tight-fitting pants or write you a poem…
Note: This post is not about me, I am not a conceit.
I just have a good old-fashioned, run-of-the-mill giraffe cock.
And if you think the White Whale/Black Whale joke is racist, it’s not. So jog on.
Reloaded: May 4, 2011.