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Meals Regretfully Eaten, Part 2: MREtarded
Contributing Authors: neuroparadox (NPX), ramalamalongdong (RLLD), JockolateBear (JOCKO)
Time for the second part of our “Torture ourselves for your amusement” series.
It has been over a month since our first foray into the world of barely edible food. The length between parts is not due to our laziness, but to the time need for our stomach linings to grow back and their ability to handle solid food once again. We have a guest joining us this time, but he is just here to finish our drinks and have 911 pre-typed into his phone for the inevitable ambulance ride to the hospital and, more likely, morgue. This whole experiment is going to be diarrhisky©. So against all common sense and doctor’s orders, we dive once more into the breach.
Opening Thoughts:
NPX: ”All of the closing summaries of each food item will be of things I would rather be doing than eating this shit. I hope there is enough watermelon vodka this time.”
JOCKO: “I am an indian, my thoughts are of no concern to the oppressive white man.” *Starts dancing*
RLLD: “It’s a shame his people don’t believe in taxes, because he couldn’t have picked a more ‘taxing’ (get it?) activity to show up for! Mind you, I think he’s just here for the free food and to steal our empties.”
MRE # 4: Cheese Tortellini Vegetarian
Contains: Pasta in Tomato Sauce, Apple Pieces, Peanut Butter & Crackers, Energy Bar, Lemonade.
My stomach feels diarrhea-tarded already
Chunky Peanut Butter and Crackers:
RLLD: This again? Pretty sure that not even a stray canine (straynine?) would lick this peanut butter out of your ass no matter how desperate it was!
RATING: 
“Michael Vick wouldn’t feed this shit to his dogs.”
NPX: Ah yes, I remember these from the Penne Pasta MRE, probably because there is still some stuck to the roof of my mouth. I also remember the moisture absorbing quality of the crackers. I suggest that Procter & Gamble snatch up this technology so they can wrap soup cans with the crackers and sell it to New Jersey women as the new Tampax: For Whores.
RATING: “I would rather be a moustache groomer on the set of gay porno.”
JOCKO: Did you guys buy Budweiser? It truly is the Chief of beers.
RATING: 
”1 out of 12 Buds gone! I hope you lightwhites bought more, eh.”
Why did they have to cancel Dawson's Creek?!
First Strike Chocolate Energy Bar:
NPX: Haha it kind of looks like an Eat-more bar! *Takes bite, stops laughing* Ughh more like an Eat-less (Zing!). They should call it ‘Fist Strike’ because it hits you in the taste buds with jab of awful molasses flavour and doesn’t stop until it is punch-fucking your throat into reverse-paristalsis.
RATING: 
“I would rather eat a fart-flavoured hot dog out of Rosie O’Donnell’s hairy vagiant.”
RLLD: Well this sucked. I don’t think I ever met an energy bar that I liked in the first place. Why I thought one dubbed “First Strike” that came out of a plastic bag packed for war would be any different is beyond me. The threat of having to eat this would give me more energy than eating it itself.
RATING: “Only because it made me think of an Oh Henry and made my mouth water. And then I tried it and swore off food forever.”
JOCKO: I get all the energy I need from hunting my own meals…from the local Save-On…using food stamps as my weapon.
RATING: 
”I rate my hunting skills 4 out of 5 mighty buffalo…wings.”
The first thing it strikes is your taste buds
Powder Base Lemonade:
NPX: This tasted ok I guess. Kind of like if you took Crystal Light and mixed in some fish poison. I am concerned by the name of some of the ingredients shown on the surprisingly normal-sized packaging. If only there was something we could add to make this drink less harmful. *Grabs WMV, adds 4 Oz.* My watermelony master fixes all drinks and makes me forget all wrongs. Now, who parked my truck on the lawn and spilled Elmer’s glue on my Twilight poster?
RATING: “I would rather have lemonade just like mom used to make: lemons, water, sugar and telling me what a disappointment I am.”
RLLD: They call it lemonade, I call it the beginning of a canker sore.
RATING: ”I would taste great with watermelon vodka if you left out the lemonade part.”
JOCKO: This drink is too sweet and way too non-alcoholic for my refined pallete. Also, it burns the holes in my gums where teeth used-to-was.
RATING: 
”I rate thishh 4 of my original teeth left out of 32.”
One drink to rule them all!
Spiced Apple Slices:
RLLD: Apparently they recycle apples… Ever heard the term used by someone describing how they feel after getting pissed the night before? “I feel like a bag of smashed apples?” Well, obviously they were exaggerating, because they were never vac-sealed and shipped overseas to feed soldiers.
RATING: “Did anyone hear that sweet Al-Qaeda/Apple-Pieda joke I made?! Fuck.”
NPX: These kind of taste like apples; in the same way that placenta also kind of tastes like apples. Except placenta has a lot more pleasing texture…and taste. I am pretty sure this gave me tuberculosis somehow.
RATING: “I would rather be bukkaked by Spider-man and Peter North.”
JOCKO: These have an extremely smokey flavour that reminds me of bingo night (every night!). Oh wait, I am eating from an ashtray.
RATING: 
”I rate that ashtray 3 out of 5 cigarettes”
Pre-chewed for your unenjoyment
Cheese Tortellini and Tomato Sauce:
RLLD: Tastes like bark mulch. If the Flu had a flavour, it would taste like the combined spices did after we added them half-way through the main course. Looks like Leonardo, Donatello, Michaelangelo, and Shakespeare took a shit in a circle.
RATING: ”Two words: Chernobyl pasta.”
NPX: This is how I know God doesn’t exist. On the plus side, my tears added a nice salty flavour. Not surprisingly, this had the same consistency of the apples only without the tangy zip of tasting like mucus.
RATING: “I would rather eat a bowlful of leaky batteries.”
JOCKO: I don’t know what kind of fish a Tortellini is. How many can I fit in my canoe? Is it like a salmon? I love salmon.
RATING: 
”I would eat delicious salmon 6 out of 7 days a week.”
Chef Boyardisgusting
MRE # 5: Chicken Fajita
Contains: Chicken Fajita Filling, Tortillas, Mexican Style Rice, Snack Crackers, Cheese Spread, Irish Cream Cappuccino.
The first time we have had a chicken ration
Mexican Rice:
RLLD: At first glance I will admit that I didn’t have high expectations for this. I mean, what’s Mexican rice? I have had SPANISH rice, but never Mexican. I best take a bite to see how it is…
Holy shit! Call me if you want some winning lotto numbers, or the winner of the Super Bowl because I am clearly psychic. This stale piece of garbage had the texture of stale rice…after someone else ate it, washed it down with some Sauza Silver, and took a shit on a hot sidewalk.
RATING: “Hard, brown, with chunks of corn and questionable red and green spots throughout it, surrounded by soft, runny edges is how it looked both before, and after.”
NPX: You know something’s not going to be good when you remove it from its packaging and it holds the same shape as the bag it was in. Look at that picture down there! I am surprised that serial number that was stamped on the bag wasn’t depressed into the rice blob. Speaking of depressed…eating this makes me want to slash my wrists with the plastic spoon that was included in the MRE. The rice isn’t even cooked all the way through. It’s like raccoon got into some raw rice and chili peppers, ate it and then shit directly into a foil pouch.
RATING: “I would rather staple my dick to my balls.”
JOCKO: How much did all this food cost? I would chip in, but I don’t get paid until the first Wednesday of every month.”
RATING: 
”3 out of 4 of my social assistance cheques are blown on salmon and Budweiser every quarter.”
"Your rice envelope is served, sir"
Cheese Snack Crackers w/ Cheese Spread:
RLLD: Not too shabby. Other than the expected stale tasting crackers that we seem to constant have to ingest at every turn. These crackers were greasy as fuck though. I am pretty sure that I could rub them on chest over my heart to see how clogged the cheese spread made my arteries.
RATING: ”A star for each cardiac bypass I’ll soon need.”
NPX: These are probably the most tolerable thing I will eat today. I still can’t stand the cheese spread though; it’s like a bunch of Oompa Loompas circle-jerked into a tube and laughingly sold it to the US government. The crackers themselves aren’t completely inedible, although they are greasier than an Italian’s pillow. I dropped some on the floor and was able to see through to the basement.
RATING: “I would rather have an orgy with two dead cats, an active volcano, Andy Dick and an aggressively gay shark with herpes. Also, Andy Dick has herpes too.”
JOCKO: I fucking rode here on a bike.
RATING: 
”1 stolen bike.”
You would think cheese and cheese would go together...
Chicken Fajita w/ Tortillas:
RLLD: Okay, this is where the Mexican rice would have come from if I had eaten it first and then shit it out. It wasn’t THAT bad, certainly a step up from the rice itself. This is quite literally the human equivalent of dog food.
RATING: “Eating this is like tossing a hot chick’s salad: The bowl may be nice, but in the end, the meal is still kind of shitty.”
NPX: I was equally excited and anxious about finally having a chicken dish to eat. My excitement was quickly dashed with one whiff of the fajita, and my anxiety was affirmed with a taste. While the actual flavour of the chicken and fajita-flavoured slug juice wasn’t too bad, the consistency of the dish was left in purgatory somewhere between fresh cat throw-up and the lung scrapings from a smoker’s autopsy. But still, not too bad!
RATING: “I would rather have sex with Megan Fox, but only if she was really polite about it.”
JOCKO: Did you keep the plummage from the bird? I want to make a hat.
RATING: 
”Only 7 feathers?! I need 3 more to finish my war hat and clean out my peace pipe.”
"Who stole the fajitas and then puked in this bowl?"
Irish Cream Cappuccino:
NPX: I frequent Starbucks, so I know how a Cappuccino is supposed to taste: near Halloween it tastes like pumpkin spice, in November it tastes like ham (yum!) and near Christmas it tastes like candy cane. If it’s just one of my regular morning Cap’s, it tastes like 1 Oz. Amaretto, 1 Oz. Grand Marnier and 1 Oz. Irish Cream. Also, there is no coffee. While this coffee isn’t horrible, you are expected to make it in the weird shaped bag that the coffee powder comes in. Good fucking luck with that; pouring boiling water into a plastic bag, what could possibly go wrong?!
RATING: “I would rather be put into a fart coma by a couple of obese sailors.”
RLLD: This wasn’t bad. With shipping it was still cheaper than your average Starbucks blend.
RATING: ”Cheaper than Starbucks, but still prepared and served by a metrosexual (NPX).”
JOCKO: Cappuccino sounds like another type of fish. I really have to go to the bathro…nevermind.
RATING: 
”1 out of the 3 of us has a piss-covered shirt.”
Left: The included uhhh drinkbag. Right: The appropriate chalice.
MRE # 6: Beef Enchilada
Contains: Beef Enchilada in Sauce, Refried Beans, Vegetable Crackers & Cheese Spread, Cookie.
Thank sweet baby Jesus, it's the last one!
Vegetable Crackers and Jalapeno Cheese Spread:
RLLD: Tastes like I just ate smoke. “Spicy Cardboard” I heard someone reference before they were stretchered out. I am pretty sure this shit will burn all the way down, and then again all the way up. My ass is going to spray fire into the air like a dragster running the quarter-mile… which will be me, but at the end of my quarter-mile will be a toilet or dresser drawer…or wherever Mount St. Ramalama decides to blow!
RATING: “And I thought I was lactose intolerant before…”
NPX: I think I have made my feelings about the cheese spread clear, and they are only solidified by the inclusion of jalapenos. Thanks you MRE, for destroying two of my most beloved food groups: cheese and peppers. I took my cracker and threw it directly into the trash.
RATING: “I would rather let an Asian woman from Alberta drive my car in the snow.”
JOCKO: Is that a ’78 Ford in your garage? Mind if I take some parts while you are sleeping?
RATING: 
”2 of the 4 Fords parked on my lawn are up on blocks…the other 2 are rusted to the frame and grown over by the never-been-mowed grass.”
I just pray they don't have "meat crackers"
Refried Beans:
RLLD: Boring, looked like someone took a dump on my plate, zero flavour, needed salt, and could hold drywall in place. Tasted just like every other plate of refried beans I’ve ever had. What the hell is this sauce they gave us? Battery acid?
RATING: “If it walks like shit, and quacks like shit…It must be from Mexico.”
NPX: Two words: Re-cryed beans. The only way that these can be considered refried beans is if the word “fried” also means “shit out by a sick Buffalo.” We added some of the picante sauce to the beans, but I am pretty sure it was just untreated water from a pulp mill.
RATING: “I would rather blindly drain every curiously effervescent drink bought for me in a rough gay bar.”
JOCKO: My girlfriends/cousins always kick me out of the house if I eat beans. They make my rear end have ‘big thunder.’
RATING: 
”These beans make 4 out of 5 stinky triangle tents.”
Shown with a side of WTF sauce
Beef Enchilada:
RLLD: Did anyone taste test this shit before it went out to those defending freedom? If freedom means people can make crap like this, then long live Kim Jong Il. Oh wait, we forgot the seasoning. *Adds ground red pepper packet* AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Cheesus Crust! The delayed shock of eating what appears to be dried battery acid hit me! This is what Mustard Gas must taste like. My mouth is hotter than a German oven! Desperation and agony make me believe that sawing my balls off will help somehow.
RATING: “Zero! Just like how many taste buds I have left!”
NPX: Hmmmm, looks like the tortellini but just with one giant pasta in the middle. Oh well it doesn’t really taste bad, maybe this red pepper powder that it came with will make it better…I wonder what RLLD is screaming about. *Adds pepper* …wtf? WTF? WTF!? AwooooOOOOOooOOOOOO! SONOFABITCH! Cockblaster that is spicy! My mouth is hotter than an Indian’s TV! I can’t stop sneezing and spraying enchilada sauce (and blood?) all over the walls. Now I see why America had to pull out of Vietnam.
RATING: “I would pretty much do anything to record RLLD’s face as he eats another spoonful of peppery death.”
JOCKO: You two have become like brothers to me. We shall bury RLLD in my tribe’s ancient burial ground that was recently found between the bingo hall and discount liquor store.
RATING: 
”Once we bury him, there will be an actual human body there instead of just cat bones and chicken wings. I mean shhhhhhh.”
Looks like it could use a little spice!
Cookie with Pan Coated Chocolate Discs:
RLLD: I may as well have eaten air. I taste, feel, and sense nothing anymore after the Beef Enchilada. Hmmmm…why can I see myself laying on the floor, NPX playing on my cell phone and JOCKO passed out after drinking two Budweiser and some paint? Uh oh…
RATING: “Well if I am a ghost, first stop is the girl’s lockeroom at the Catholic high school. Does that make me a deadophile?”
NPX: It’s good to see that the US can’t afford to license M&M’s and instead opted for ”pan coated chocolate discs.” That name really just rolls off the tongue. This cookie is actually pretty normal! Finally something that isn’t at all freaky-deaky. Wait a minute, the cookie is staring at me…there is a face in the cookie! Oh my god, he is telling me to burn things. I must obey my delicious cookie master and light JOCKO on fire.
RATING: “I would rather have a dessert that is not a pyromaniac.”
JOCKO: What the fuck, eh? Did you just light me on fire? I only eat the red pan coated chocolate discs. *More dancing*
RATING: 
”4 out of 5 dreamcatchers. But that’s only because I am so wasted from drinking all of your guys’ cherry whiskey and red wine vinegar.”
Even the cookie mocks us!
Closing Thoughts:
RLLD: “And this concludes part two of our self-sodomization. Never in a million years will I do this again. Even if I wanted too, the Beef Enchiladeath fused my lips together. I am pretty sure I was resuscitated twice tonight. Same with Jocko though, but that’s what you get for drinking Lysol.”
NPX: “Let’s not do this ever again. Ever. Hey, did RLLD die? Give me his phone.”
JOCKO: “Teepee or not Teepee that is the question…did you piss on my shirt?!”
Haiku:
Eat some more of these?
Ummm I think we would rather
swallow a bullet
—NPX/RLLD
Related articles
- Meal’s Regretfully Eaten, Part 1: MREvils (neuroparadox.com)
Meals Regretfully Eaten, Part 1: MREvils
Contributing Authors: neuroparadox (NPX), ramalamalongdong (RLLD).
INTRO BY RLLD
I used to be in the army. Yup, it’s true, a long time ago I wore the uniform that demanded respect, admiration, and shit ass meals. The vacuum packaged meals were made to eat anytime and anywhere, so long as you had… well, considering you didn’t need bullshit like “water” or “a pot”, you really needed nothing. Just remember not to lose your tactical spork though; that part is crucial.
Your expectations of these meals, understandably, should be about as low as your expectations for an Alberta NHL team’s playoff run. The army is all about health and fitness and keeping you going for as long as possible, so until they develop the Mobile Military McDonald’s or MMM™, you’re stuck with this shit.
Today, thanks to the glorious blessing that is the internet we have acquired a handful of M.R.E’s to prepare, taste and report back to you, our adoring fan (Hi Mom!)
You ungrateful bastards better appreciate this. So if ever you have to partake in this taste bud odyssey yourselves, you’ll hopefully have a better understanding of which one sucks less.
To begin, NPX and I shall offer you our expectations going into this food version of Jackass. Right after we finish a few WMV’s and give each other a few BJ’s… That stands for BaJa’s people! SHOTS OF BAJA ROSA!
Off of each other's dicks!
EXPECTATIONS
RLLD : I’ve been down this road before so my expectations aren’t very high. I’m not sure if these are Yankee fuck rations, or Canadian one’s. I am pretty sure that they’re American, even though I couldn’t find any McDonald’s fries in the packing or ketchup.
Last time I had one of these though I am pretty sure we boiled it on our portable hot plate things. I remember it being “Salisbury steak” and cutting it with my spoon. Of course as memory serves me, we were one step away from boiling a sock and eating that. Luckily… it didn’t come to that, even though I’ve never eaten a sock I can’t say which would be worse.
NPX: I’ve never had military food before, unless you count KFC which is technically made by a Colonel. And the only combat training I have received was from the Star Wars Kid videos. Regardless, I have high hopes for these meals. I mean, how bad can they be? *Thunder Crashes Outside*
"I'll see you very soon."
MRE # 1: SPICY PENNE PASTA VEGETARIAN
Contains: Peanut Butter, Crackers, Drink, Raisins, Penne Pasta, Dessert, Gum, Matches, Moist Towelette.
It's like opening Pandora's box...
Peanut Butter and Crackers:
RLLD: Fucking gross. From the odd-coloured Peanut butter to the petrified wood crackers, I’ve never had less fun eating. I wasn’t a huge fan of the ol’ nutty butty going into this, so maybe I am just biased. You definitely need a beverage to wash this down with. I recommend gasoline. By the way, one of the ingredients was something called “Rapeseed” so that brings this rating up a point.
RATING: “Rapeseed is the new name for my sperm.”
NPX: The crackers alone were not a good start and tasted like a stale newspaper that was used as a spray guard for someone rust-proofing their car. The peanut butter tasted somewhat like it should except left my mouth so dry I thought I was going to shrivel up like the guy at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
RATING: ”You have chosen…poorly.”
You'll notice that Brown is the main color in most dishes.
Orange Flavoured No Fruit Juice:
RLLD: Even Al Bundy wouldn’t be happy to find on this on his dinner table. I can’t tell which the bigger enemy would be. This shit, or Al Qaeda. What a way to ruin 12 ounces of water. *Adds 6 ounces of Vodka* Thish ishn’t mush betterrr!
RATING: Without Alcohol, “I think it gave me diabetes.”
RATING: With Alcohol, “I can’t tell if I threw up from being drunk, or poisoned.”
NPX: The packet of no-fruit fruit drink contains enough mystery powder to be a guest star on CSI. Ignoring paradoxical title of the drink , when added to water the liquid seemed to lack any flavor. That is until the after-taste, which left me feeling like I had just enjoyed a cup of medical waste tea. But, as with any other foul-tasting beverage (I’m looking at you, Mountain Dew), just add ice and booze and all will be forgiven.
RATING: Without Alcohol, ”A cross between an orange, a tangerine and donkey compost.”
RATING: With Alcohol, ”EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!”
Pictured: Evolution
Raisins, Osmotic:
RLLD: FUUUUUUUCK! It’s like the worst day of my life… in my mouth. Is this what they use to torture prisoners? No, I am pretty sure the juice is what they use to execute serial killers. It’s going to take a piledriver to keep this down my throat. If you covered these in chocolate, you’d have chocolate-covered shit. I don’t think I’ll ever enjoy food again…
RATING: “I’d rather pull my foreskin over my head than eat these ever again.”
NPX: OMFG! The smell…sweet baby Jesus. Military surgeons must use the odor from this packet to cure Coma patients. These “raisins” are the primary cause of Hulk turning green and smashing things. Apparently military grade raisins are not sun-dried, but slowly curdled in Rosie O’Donnell’s colon. Osmotic must mean “LOL I can’t believe you just ate that!” The same grapes are used to make Arbor Mist and turpentine. I would rather swallow a bullet than another one of these fruit abortions. Even the picture I took of the raisins didn’t turn out.
RATING: “I’d rather eat my underwear after curry night at Jeffrey Dahmer’s place.”
This is what the military thinks raisins should taste like.
Penne Pasta with Vegetable Crumbles in Spicy Tomato Sauce:
RLLD: It’s not fair rating anything after that last episode. How I could not rate this breath of fresh air anything less than a 7 out of 5 on the “not another raisin scale?” It didn’t taste like raisins, or a marathons runners ball sack, so this was a welcome alternative. I suppose not tasting like raisins isn’t so much a means to rate this all that high considering I could have replicated the flavor given some hot water, and bits of cardboard.
RATING: ”It’s the same consistency as a brain from someone on Jersey Shore.”
NPX: If I ate this and a bowl of sawdust mixed with soy milk I am 60% positive that I would give the edge in flavour to the Penne. It is blander that a female trying to do comedy and must be what Chef Boyardee’s diarrhea tastes like. It wasn’t bad, but it is far from being edible in non-combative situations. I only consider this fit for dogs to eat, and that’s just because I fucking hate dogs.
RATING: “At least it doesn’t have raisins in it.”
Looks like the remains of what you might find in the back of a windowless van.
Spice Pound Cake:
RLLD: Someone spelled “Desert” wrong on the packing.
RATING: “I think it drank my water!”
NPX: Yay dessert! Finally something that is potentially good. Though the fact that there is a ‘Do Not Eat’ packet resting on top doesn’t bode well. *takes bite* WATER! For the love of L. Ron, someone give me water! I think they made this moisture void out of the reject crackers from earlier and sprinkled it random spices like nutmeg, baby powder, rapeseed and whatever Marvin the Martian used to dehydrate all those monsters.
RATING: “They could have used this to soak up that whole Katrina mess.”
This could blow Sham-Wow out of the water.
Bonus: Gum
RLLD/NPX: What the fuuuuuck? Who packed these MRE’s? IRAQ?! I thought gum was supposed to make your breath better… I’m pretty sure this is what they give the soldier who is bleeding out in the battlefield to end his suffering. Either that, or those taint-flavored raisins. After the gum we had to eat the matches to get the taste out of our mouths.
RATING: ”It’s like that hard chunk of toothpaste on the end of the roll after you lose the cap.”
Only not as good.
MRE # 2: BEEF PATTY
Contains: Pretzels, Drink, Wheat Bread, ”hamburger”, BBQ & Cheese Sauces, Pasta, Gum, Matches, Moist Towelette.
"Just want to note that looking at what this M.R.E has to offer is looking pretty good right about now!" -RLLD
Beverage Base Raspberry:
RLLD: If hate were a liquid, this would be it. It’s like I chilled some transmission fluid and poured it into a glass. This shit would kill a cockroach. Wait… uh oh.
RATING: ”I wish we weren’t out of Vodka.”
NPX: Notice the dim light in the background of the cup? That is actually a “holy-fuck-that’s-bright” flashlight set to full, blinding power and it barely shines through. This must be for getting soldiers used to the idea of drinking the blood of their enemies.
RATING: ”Tastes better with the last of the Vodka.”
When is stare into the beverage powder, the beverage powder also stares into you.
Nacho Cheese Pretzels:
NPX: Other than smelling like an old ski boot and looking like rabbit shit, these aren’t completely inedible! Not bad.
RATING: “Finally something that doesn’t taste like armpit!”
RLLD: These taste like armpit! Salt seasoned, deep-fried sand filled with nacho cheese. Compared to the raisins it’s like Aphrodite spat in my mouth.
RATING: “I’d buy these if they were made by Dorito’s.”
I wonder if they were cut from one really long pretzel...
Beef Patty with BBQ sauce on Wheat Snack Bread topped by Cheese Spread with Bacon:
RLLD: This one just pissed me off! Now I know bacon and I didn’t detect a hint of it in whatever this shit was. But I didn’t taste the devil’s dick either so I can’t really complain. This conCOCKtion still wasn’t anything to write home about. Yes, it wasn’t that bad, but it was like the medal they give the Special Olympic athletes who finish an event without pissing their paints. The bread reminded me of that pound cake, minus 75% of the sugar. I’m trying to be funny but for some reason my skin is feeling really clammy all of a sudden…
RATING: ”After this, I am never going to eat a food that’s heated by a ¼ ounce of water and mystery powder again.”
NPX: Well it smells like the exact in-between of dog food and athlete’s foot. Despite the bread being harder than Chinese algebra, the meat making me sweat like a homo eating a hot-dog and the cheese spread looking like it had already been eaten once before…it didn’t make me want to throw up. Still better than Arby’s, but not as good as Fancy Feast.
RATING: “My stomach hurts…Remember that scene from Alien?”
Still smells better than a Whopper though!
Mexican Style Mac and Cheese:
NPX: I have never had what appears to be Mac & Cheese Au Jus before. While having the consistency of slug snot and not tasting anything like cheese, I can safely report that this tasted slightly better than the spoon. There seem to be an abundance of chilli peppers in the mix, maybe as a tactic to fry your taste buds before they have to be subjected to the wet-cardboard favoured macaroni. The only thing Mexican about this dish is the way that it working it’s way through my bowels like Speedy Gonzalez.
RATING: “I found another use for the moist towelette…”
RLLD: I wanna know what flavor it was they added to make everything brown? Did my roommate cook this? This is going to pass through me quicker than a bunch of banditos crossing the border.
RATING: “Those should be brown stars.”
Seriously, why is everything fucking brown?
MRE # 3: SLOPPY JOE
Contains: Trail Mix, Drink, Wheat Bread, Sloppy Joe Filling, Cheese Spread, Dessert, Gum, Matches, Moist Towelette.
Please Mr. MRE, don't ruin sloppy joes for us like you did pasta and hamburgers.
Nut Raisin Mix:
RLLD: This tastes normal….Why is my throat swelling up?
RATING: ”Why am I doing this? I am allergic to nuts…”
NPX: I haven’t had such a mix of nuts in my mouth since Richard Simmons and Clay Aiken spent the night at my house. These weren’t as salty though. At least the raisins tasted normal and looked somewhat like miniature versions of a certain American Idol Runner-up’s coin purse. It seems that RLLD likes them so much he is turning blue.
RATING: ”Nuts…Beautiful, beautiful nuts. Ohhhh and some trail mix!”
Carbohydrate Electrolyte Beverage Powder Lemon Lime:
RLLD: Looks like I’m getting a canker sore for Christmas. I couldn’t finish this, but luckily enough my car’s battery fluid was running low and this was the perfect amount to top it up.
RATING: ”So long, stomach lining.”
NPX: I don’t know what an electrolyte is but I had high hopes of this drink giving me Sith-like powers to smite enemies or effeminate Jedi’s. Judging by the size of the package that this drink mix came in, I think it’s safe to say that is the opposite of efficient packaging. After you have your tasty beverage, you can use the wrapper as a sleeping bag.
RATING: ”I can’t wait for the cheese spread next!”
"Two tablespoons of powder? Here, use this envelope."
Wheat snack bread & Cheese spread with Jalapeno’s:
NPX: Ughhhhhh it’s the worst. The “cheese” spreads on the brick bread like oily Silly Putty. They should have called this CheeseW40 and should only be fed to cars. I asked Johnny Knoxville to try some and he just laughed at me then stapled his balls to Steve-O’s dick. Worst thing yet. Feed only to the gimp.
RATING: “Toss me some matches.”
RLLD: They give this shit to starving countries? No wonder they’re starving! This shit ruined my will to eat too. The only thing I have to look forward to after this is the massive weight loss that’s sure to follow now that I don’t trust food anymore. For once I am grateful I wasn’t drunk before doing something stupid; not that I could forget this experience no matter hard I will try.
RATING: ”This gets one star because it came in a small amount”
I am pretty sure this gave us AIDS...
Sloppy Joes:
RLLD: It’s like sweet and sour flavored. Again, the main course isn’t too bad, but that’s comparing it to some of the other crap I’ve ingested today. Thank goodness for the tiny bottle of off-coloured tabasco sauce. At this stage I could be seasoning this food with winning lottery numbers and it still wouldn’t help.
RATING: ”I kind of like the Kool-Aid Demi-Glacé.”
Shown for scale, not as a recipe.
NPX: Looks like baked beans in ketchup. Tastes like baked ketchup and sugar. The tiny balls of meat all seem to be the same size and have little M’s printed on them. This was the best entrée of the bunch, but that’s like saying that this is the best smelling old person in a hospital.
RATING: “Dessert for dinner?! I’m Sold.”
Maybe we were supposed to put the cheese on top of here...
Fudge Brownie:
RLLD: The packet seemingly baked into the dessert says “DO NOT EAT”. Probably too late now to be looking for warning signs. It tastes like pure cocoa, that’s been pressed together by an elephants ass cheeks. The plus side to eating this crap was finding out how many cavities I have. Which are 3 more than when I started.
RATING:
NPX: With all the air suctioned out, this brownie was left denser than a blonde at MOMA. I think all the sugar from this was put into the Sloppy Joe’s by mistake. It wasn’t really all that bad, kind of tasted like if you took gas station paper towels, exorcised the flavour and ran it over with 18-wheeler hauling RLLD’s ex-girlfriends.
RATING: Brownie, “Reminds me of Morgan Freeman for some reason”
RATING: RLLD’s exes, “Bahahahahahaha”
Mmmmmm chocolate brick
That’s about all our stomachs can take for now. But believe me there is more. Stay tuned next week for the next 3 flavours of tongue-numbing, gut-wrenching, boner-softening rations.
Haiku:
These might taste okay
If your next meal was going
to be a land mine.
—RLLD/NPX
Merritt Mountain Beer Fest (Chilled Rivers and Distilled Livers.)
July something-or-other (or the ramalamalong-weekend as I call it) marked the first day of a yearly tradition of a weekend of camping and incessant alcoholism. As this was my first year I decided it was fitting to take mental notes in hopes of writing them down on paper in a time line like manner! Keep in mind NPX was also there, as well as the other Space Boner author, whom we won’t mention because she’s a girl.
Ahem:
DAY 1
12:00 pm Friday
Text between NPX and RLLD
NPX: “Ugh, you’re an asshole for missing last night! The bar was CRAZY!”
RLLD: “I was in bed early after saving a family from a burning house fire.”
NPX: “Oh really? I wonder if it was the one I set?”
RLLD: “It was set with a Molotov Cocktail. Smelled like 151.”
NPX: “Nope. I wouldn’t waste booze on that. Are you ready to come camping?”
Unfortunately, at that moment I was tied up and had to put him off for a moment until I could get back to him.
When I was ready I sent him a text, inquiring about some last-minute directions and as usual he was of the utmost help. 
Luckily, Fuckhead was spot on with his directions, and I only drove 30 KM in the wrong direction before I regained cell reception and google maps came through for me.
So despite his best efforts, I made my way to the promised land, and ahead of me awaited 4 days, 3 nights, of the most intoxicated near death experiences.
5:30 pm: Arrival
*Sound of beer opening*
RLLD: Is that our tent?
NPX: Yes! Let’s get drunk!
*Sound of Two beer opening*
Bryan Parker: Hey, whose stuff is in my tent?
NPX: Hahahahahaha
6:30 pm: 5 beer later
We were all set up, some of us for the second time, and the festivities were just beginning. Wood was being chopped, posts were being pounded for Beersbee, and Bags were set up for the less manly people to play.
I should at this point explain the rules to Beersbee. The object is to stand an empty beer can on top of a stick in the ground by both teams, and you in turn try to knock the beer can off the post with the Frisbee for points.
Apparently, as a drinking game there are circumstances where you have to drink depending on what either team does, but don’t ask me what they were because we got right alco-fucked on our own no matter how we played.
Now despite our differences NPX and I, were and still are the Beersbee Grand Champions of the fucking Universe. The closest thing we came to a loss was after about 32 beer (see 7:30) and about 4 substitutions by the other team. Despite it all, nobody could touch us, and just as with every other beer in site, we destroyed that can effortlessly.
From this period my memory is a touch hazy and I am pretty sure it was mostly filled with chain-smoking and mingling. At some point NP-drunken fuck-X, kicked a folding chair perfectly into my face swelling my lip and causing me to spit alcoholic blood (closer to bloodied alcohol at this point) onto my hands, which was the highlight of the weekend. Out of sheer spite I will not touch on this any further.
(ED’S NOTE: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! -NPX)
It haunts my dreams!
8:00pm -12:00am
Anyway, these next few hours would set apart the men from the boys.
12:01 am
So now it’s just NPX, myself and a mutual friend, whom I mentioned earlier and we will dub Bryan Parker for anonymity’s sake (and lawsuit purposes). The night is going well at this point, as I have had so much to drink, infection for my lip wound from the chairilyzer is but an impossibility. Sure makes things easier when you have to pour liter after liter of booze over the wound without choice!
So, by now absolutely everything said between myself and NPX is pure comedic genius. In fact, what we say is SO funny, I am sure a higher power created booze for the sheer purpose of preventing us from remembering any of it, repeating it, and causing a disruption in the space-time continuum.
12:10 am
Butted out a cigar on NPX’s arm, and peed my pants laughing. Everything tastes like blood.
2:00 am
Bryan Parker is showing signs of excessive drunkenness. NPX and I are leading the charge. Everyone else had gone to bed, probably to knit sweaters fo their gay lovers.
3:00 am
Bryan Parker just lit a cigarillo filter first and is handed another beer to help ease the embarrassment.
3:05 am
Captain Morgan we have a problem! Bryan is not looking too good and claims he has to go to bed. He agrees to shotgun one last beer before he is allowed to leave.
3:06 am
Bryan lost the shotgun contest, but is drunk enough to believe us when we tell him he won. He wins another beer!
3:08 am
Bryan is gone to die in his tent. NPX and RLLD proceed to tell jokes again and laugh like school girls all night long.
4:00 am
Time for the Pig Roast. Where we make fun of girls who wouldn’t sleep with us for some reason.
4:01 am
Couldn’t think of anyone. Back to the drinking and pissing of sleeping campers/pussies.
5:00 am
The sunshine can suck my dick! Time for bed, as well as trying not to fall into the fire while putting it out, with excessive yelling and giddy laughter.
5:15 am
Pass out.
At least I'm surrounded by loved ones.
Day 1
~Fin
Day 2
9:00 am
Looks like Bryan Parker survived, so he and his sister, Bail Morgana, felt it to be their duty as sisters to wake up NPX and RLLD from their drunken coma. Dreamt about a bunch babies having a hammer fight in a dumpster.
9:01 am
Tent is hotter than Satan’s greasy ball sack.
9:30 am
Ate whatever the hell I could carry and made my way to the shower to wash off excess booze-sweat.
9:40 am
Forgot my towel, dammit. Absolutely hate life. Probably would have handled it better had I not been transitioning from drunk to hung over.
10:00 am to 5:00 pm
I can’t really recall anything that happened that afternoon other than we hauled some big dirty rope across the river of slippery current death. This was a dumb idea as Bryan Parker and I did all the work, only for us to never use the rope for anything other than decapitating unsuspecting tubers floating down the river!
5:00 pm
NPX and I have found the perfect spot on the rope to sit while leaning into the current and drinking beer. Only issue, stupid people on shore too lazy to pass us four beer at a time. Polluted the river with our urine. We laugh at the people downstream and shout unheard comments.
"This is all semen you guys!"
6:00 pm
Finally, drunk again! It’s time to get out of the river and get changed into some dry clothes!
7:00 pm
More Beersbee embarrassment! I am surprised nobody hated us for the merciless thrashing dished out upon them. Team Crynihilation perfects the High Five.
7:01 pm
Oh no! Wild throw from team suckshit! The Frisbee is in the river! Good thing I am wearing my superman shirt. Dum-dee-dee-dum-dum!
7:02 pm
I am soaked… my cigars are ruined… my wallets soaked. Oh, and someone grabbed the Frisbee from the shore so it was all for nothing. Gay!
12:00 am
The pussies have all gone to bed to sleep off any hangover they may have after a day of drinking 5 beer. Now it’s NPX myself and 3 girls going strong! I like these odds!
3:00 am
Playing bartender to the ladies! I am now a pro at making ParaRyzers, Caralyzers, and Pina CRYladas. Ladies love em! Next year lube should be included in the budget!
A little roofie action should kick these girls into overdrive!
5:00 am
Enough booze consumed by this point to kill an Elephant. I am feeling a buzz. NPX acts as though he’s just rinsed his mouth with Scope. Pretty sure the girls all did each other by the fire. It’s my story and I’ll tell it how I want too!
*Flashback 6 months*
I won an award for best Understater of the year!
Day2
~Fin
Day 3
9:00 am
The morning sun has vanquished the terrible night and is again hovering ten feet above our tent. Sweating urine.
10:00 am
NPX not breathing… must find water… S.O.S.
10:30 am
Going into town seems like a good idea! Could use some more clothes!
11:30 am
Looks like I forgot my house key. There goes 3 hours of drinking.
1:30 pm
Driving back to booze central I see the distinct colour of NPX’s tears (beer-coloured) as he passes us on the highway headed for what I can only imagine to be a warm bed and an all day buffet.
…I am the king of the mountain!
Drank all day, and told jokes nobody but NPX would ever have had a chance at getting. Hate life…
8:00 pm
So bored decided to play ‘Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?’ 5 grown men at least 30 years of age were in fact not smarter than a 5th grader, and the worst part being one of the men was at one point, a 5th grade teacher. Why did we keep playing this!?
12:00 am
Lo and behold, the girls out number RLLD 2 to 1! It’s looking good now, so don’t fight ladies!
2:30 am
One girl has barred me from ever making her a drink again! Ten minutes later I am mixing her a drink at her request. I guess the bar is far away from the campfire. I remember, NOT remembering pouring 3 ounces of vodka into ice, forgetting I did it, adding mix, then adding 3 ounces of Gin to make up for the lack of booze. I miss NPX.
3:00 am
Whiner McGee says the drink tastes like Pine Sol. My reply, “Hwow do you knnknow what pine hole tastes like I need mrore wood on this fire. Ohld my dirnk bicth.” Then I finished the drink. It tasted like Pine Sol.
Now in 7 delicious flavours!
4:00 am
Quite possibly could have had the greatest drunk night of my life. Unfortunately, I was in fact drunk and probably missed out on all of it. Heard Fallen by Volbeat 27 times at this point.
Day 4
10:00 am
Tent not filled with the stench of stank, drunken ass and stale farts. First time I didn’t miss NPX.
10:30 am
Showering is for homos. I’ll end up in the river inadvertently sooner or later.
10:31 am
“There’s still beer left?!”
12:00 pm
Operation water down the hangover with more beer to prevent it from developing into a crippling coma is a go!
1:00 pm
“Hey, let me throw you this rope! Just stand with your sandals on the slippery rocks.”
1:05 pm
Officially out of dry clothes/underwear. Stupid ideas…
3:00 pm
Maybe a nap will save me from vomiting my brain cells out of my nose?
4:00 pm
Feel like a million bucks! Sorry brain cells.
5:00 pm
Packed up and good to go! I survived the weekend. I am sure I drank more than everyone and thus, have completed my ascent into manhood! Now where are my keys?
8:00 pm
Well, the after party has started again… My liver is now the hardest substance on earth.
Day 3/Liver
~Fin
Now a haiku:
Testing my liver.
And my balance around fire.
Camping is in tents.
—RLLD
