Contributing Authors: neuroparadox (NPX), ramalamalongdong (RLLD).
INTRO BY RLLD
I used to be in the army. Yup, it’s true, a long time ago I wore the uniform that demanded respect, admiration, and shit ass meals. The vacuum packaged meals were made to eat anytime and anywhere, so long as you had… well, considering you didn’t need bullshit like “water” or “a pot”, you really needed nothing. Just remember not to lose your tactical spork though; that part is crucial.
Your expectations of these meals, understandably, should be about as low as your expectations for an Alberta NHL team’s playoff run. The army is all about health and fitness and keeping you going for as long as possible, so until they develop the Mobile Military McDonald’s or MMM™, you’re stuck with this shit.
Today, thanks to the glorious blessing that is the internet we have acquired a handful of M.R.E’s to prepare, taste and report back to you, our adoring fan (Hi Mom!)
You ungrateful bastards better appreciate this. So if ever you have to partake in this taste bud odyssey yourselves, you’ll hopefully have a better understanding of which one sucks less.
To begin, NPX and I shall offer you our expectations going into this food version of Jackass. Right after we finish a few WMV’s and give each other a few BJ’s… That stands for BaJa’s people! SHOTS OF BAJA ROSA!
RLLD : I’ve been down this road before so my expectations aren’t very high. I’m not sure if these are Yankee fuck rations, or Canadian one’s. I am pretty sure that they’re American, even though I couldn’t find any McDonald’s fries in the packing or ketchup.
Last time I had one of these though I am pretty sure we boiled it on our portable hot plate things. I remember it being “Salisbury steak” and cutting it with my spoon. Of course as memory serves me, we were one step away from boiling a sock and eating that. Luckily… it didn’t come to that, even though I’ve never eaten a sock I can’t say which would be worse.
NPX: I’ve never had military food before, unless you count KFC which is technically made by a Colonel. And the only combat training I have received was from the Star Wars Kid videos. Regardless, I have high hopes for these meals. I mean, how bad can they be? *Thunder Crashes Outside*
MRE # 1: SPICY PENNE PASTA VEGETARIAN
Contains: Peanut Butter, Crackers, Drink, Raisins, Penne Pasta, Dessert, Gum, Matches, Moist Towelette.
Peanut Butter and Crackers:
RLLD: Fucking gross. From the odd-coloured Peanut butter to the petrified wood crackers, I’ve never had less fun eating. I wasn’t a huge fan of the ol’ nutty butty going into this, so maybe I am just biased. You definitely need a beverage to wash this down with. I recommend gasoline. By the way, one of the ingredients was something called “Rapeseed” so that brings this rating up a point.
RATING: “Rapeseed is the new name for my sperm.”
NPX: The crackers alone were not a good start and tasted like a stale newspaper that was used as a spray guard for someone rust-proofing their car. The peanut butter tasted somewhat like it should except left my mouth so dry I thought I was going to shrivel up like the guy at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
RATING: ”You have chosen…poorly.”
Orange Flavoured No Fruit Juice:
RLLD: Even Al Bundy wouldn’t be happy to find on this on his dinner table. I can’t tell which the bigger enemy would be. This shit, or Al Qaeda. What a way to ruin 12 ounces of water. *Adds 6 ounces of Vodka* Thish ishn’t mush betterrr!
RATING: Without Alcohol, “I think it gave me diabetes.”
RATING: With Alcohol, “I can’t tell if I threw up from being drunk, or poisoned.”
NPX: The packet of no-fruit fruit drink contains enough mystery powder to be a guest star on CSI. Ignoring paradoxical title of the drink , when added to water the liquid seemed to lack any flavor. That is until the after-taste, which left me feeling like I had just enjoyed a cup of medical waste tea. But, as with any other foul-tasting beverage (I’m looking at you, Mountain Dew), just add ice and booze and all will be forgiven.
RATING: Without Alcohol, ”A cross between an orange, a tangerine and donkey compost.”
RATING: With Alcohol, ”EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!”
RLLD: FUUUUUUUCK! It’s like the worst day of my life… in my mouth. Is this what they use to torture prisoners? No, I am pretty sure the juice is what they use to execute serial killers. It’s going to take a piledriver to keep this down my throat. If you covered these in chocolate, you’d have chocolate-covered shit. I don’t think I’ll ever enjoy food again…
RATING: “I’d rather pull my foreskin over my head than eat these ever again.”
NPX: OMFG! The smell…sweet baby Jesus. Military surgeons must use the odor from this packet to cure Coma patients. These “raisins” are the primary cause of Hulk turning green and smashing things. Apparently military grade raisins are not sun-dried, but slowly curdled in Rosie O’Donnell’s colon. Osmotic must mean “LOL I can’t believe you just ate that!” The same grapes are used to make Arbor Mist and turpentine. I would rather swallow a bullet than another one of these fruit abortions. Even the picture I took of the raisins didn’t turn out.
RATING: “I’d rather eat my underwear after curry night at Jeffrey Dahmer’s place.”
Penne Pasta with Vegetable Crumbles in Spicy Tomato Sauce:
RLLD: It’s not fair rating anything after that last episode. How I could not rate this breath of fresh air anything less than a 7 out of 5 on the “not another raisin scale?” It didn’t taste like raisins, or a marathons runners ball sack, so this was a welcome alternative. I suppose not tasting like raisins isn’t so much a means to rate this all that high considering I could have replicated the flavor given some hot water, and bits of cardboard.
RATING: ”It’s the same consistency as a brain from someone on Jersey Shore.”
NPX: If I ate this and a bowl of sawdust mixed with soy milk I am 60% positive that I would give the edge in flavour to the Penne. It is blander that a female trying to do comedy and must be what Chef Boyardee’s diarrhea tastes like. It wasn’t bad, but it is far from being edible in non-combative situations. I only consider this fit for dogs to eat, and that’s just because I fucking hate dogs.
RATING: “At least it doesn’t have raisins in it.”
Spice Pound Cake:
RLLD: Someone spelled “Desert” wrong on the packing.
RATING: “I think it drank my water!”
NPX: Yay dessert! Finally something that is potentially good. Though the fact that there is a ‘Do Not Eat’ packet resting on top doesn’t bode well. *takes bite* WATER! For the love of L. Ron, someone give me water! I think they made this moisture void out of the reject crackers from earlier and sprinkled it random spices like nutmeg, baby powder, rapeseed and whatever Marvin the Martian used to dehydrate all those monsters.
RATING: “They could have used this to soak up that whole Katrina mess.”
RLLD/NPX: What the fuuuuuck? Who packed these MRE’s? IRAQ?! I thought gum was supposed to make your breath better… I’m pretty sure this is what they give the soldier who is bleeding out in the battlefield to end his suffering. Either that, or those taint-flavored raisins. After the gum we had to eat the matches to get the taste out of our mouths.
RATING: ”It’s like that hard chunk of toothpaste on the end of the roll after you lose the cap.”
MRE # 2: BEEF PATTY
Contains: Pretzels, Drink, Wheat Bread, ”hamburger”, BBQ & Cheese Sauces, Pasta, Gum, Matches, Moist Towelette.
Beverage Base Raspberry:
RLLD: If hate were a liquid, this would be it. It’s like I chilled some transmission fluid and poured it into a glass. This shit would kill a cockroach. Wait… uh oh.
RATING: ”I wish we weren’t out of Vodka.”
NPX: Notice the dim light in the background of the cup? That is actually a “holy-fuck-that’s-bright” flashlight set to full, blinding power and it barely shines through. This must be for getting soldiers used to the idea of drinking the blood of their enemies.
RATING: ”Tastes better with the last of the Vodka.”
Nacho Cheese Pretzels:
NPX: Other than smelling like an old ski boot and looking like rabbit shit, these aren’t completely inedible! Not bad.
RATING: “Finally something that doesn’t taste like armpit!”
RLLD: These taste like armpit! Salt seasoned, deep-fried sand filled with nacho cheese. Compared to the raisins it’s like Aphrodite spat in my mouth.
RATING: “I’d buy these if they were made by Dorito’s.”
Beef Patty with BBQ sauce on Wheat Snack Bread topped by Cheese Spread with Bacon:
RLLD: This one just pissed me off! Now I know bacon and I didn’t detect a hint of it in whatever this shit was. But I didn’t taste the devil’s dick either so I can’t really complain. This conCOCKtion still wasn’t anything to write home about. Yes, it wasn’t that bad, but it was like the medal they give the Special Olympic athletes who finish an event without pissing their paints. The bread reminded me of that pound cake, minus 75% of the sugar. I’m trying to be funny but for some reason my skin is feeling really clammy all of a sudden…
RATING: ”After this, I am never going to eat a food that’s heated by a ¼ ounce of water and mystery powder again.”
NPX: Well it smells like the exact in-between of dog food and athlete’s foot. Despite the bread being harder than Chinese algebra, the meat making me sweat like a homo eating a hot-dog and the cheese spread looking like it had already been eaten once before…it didn’t make me want to throw up. Still better than Arby’s, but not as good as Fancy Feast.
RATING: “My stomach hurts…Remember that scene from Alien?”
Mexican Style Mac and Cheese:
NPX: I have never had what appears to be Mac & Cheese Au Jus before. While having the consistency of slug snot and not tasting anything like cheese, I can safely report that this tasted slightly better than the spoon. There seem to be an abundance of chilli peppers in the mix, maybe as a tactic to fry your taste buds before they have to be subjected to the wet-cardboard favoured macaroni. The only thing Mexican about this dish is the way that it working it’s way through my bowels like Speedy Gonzalez.
RATING: “I found another use for the moist towelette…”
RLLD: I wanna know what flavor it was they added to make everything brown? Did my roommate cook this? This is going to pass through me quicker than a bunch of banditos crossing the border.
RATING: “Those should be brown stars.”
MRE # 3: SLOPPY JOE
Contains: Trail Mix, Drink, Wheat Bread, Sloppy Joe Filling, Cheese Spread, Dessert, Gum, Matches, Moist Towelette.
Nut Raisin Mix:
RLLD: This tastes normal….Why is my throat swelling up?
RATING: ”Why am I doing this? I am allergic to nuts…”
NPX: I haven’t had such a mix of nuts in my mouth since Richard Simmons and Clay Aiken spent the night at my house. These weren’t as salty though. At least the raisins tasted normal and looked somewhat like miniature versions of a certain American Idol Runner-up’s coin purse. It seems that RLLD likes them so much he is turning blue.
RATING: ”Nuts…Beautiful, beautiful nuts. Ohhhh and some trail mix!”
Carbohydrate Electrolyte Beverage Powder Lemon Lime:
RLLD: Looks like I’m getting a canker sore for Christmas. I couldn’t finish this, but luckily enough my car’s battery fluid was running low and this was the perfect amount to top it up.
RATING: ”So long, stomach lining.”
NPX: I don’t know what an electrolyte is but I had high hopes of this drink giving me Sith-like powers to smite enemies or effeminate Jedi’s. Judging by the size of the package that this drink mix came in, I think it’s safe to say that is the opposite of efficient packaging. After you have your tasty beverage, you can use the wrapper as a sleeping bag.
RATING: ”I can’t wait for the cheese spread next!”
Wheat snack bread & Cheese spread with Jalapeno’s:
NPX: Ughhhhhh it’s the worst. The “cheese” spreads on the brick bread like oily Silly Putty. They should have called this CheeseW40 and should only be fed to cars. I asked Johnny Knoxville to try some and he just laughed at me then stapled his balls to Steve-O’s dick. Worst thing yet. Feed only to the gimp.
RATING: “Toss me some matches.”
RLLD: They give this shit to starving countries? No wonder they’re starving! This shit ruined my will to eat too. The only thing I have to look forward to after this is the massive weight loss that’s sure to follow now that I don’t trust food anymore. For once I am grateful I wasn’t drunk before doing something stupid; not that I could forget this experience no matter hard I will try.
RATING: ”This gets one star because it came in a small amount”
RLLD: It’s like sweet and sour flavored. Again, the main course isn’t too bad, but that’s comparing it to some of the other crap I’ve ingested today. Thank goodness for the tiny bottle of off-coloured tabasco sauce. At this stage I could be seasoning this food with winning lottery numbers and it still wouldn’t help.
RATING: ”I kind of like the Kool-Aid Demi-Glacé.”
NPX: Looks like baked beans in ketchup. Tastes like baked ketchup and sugar. The tiny balls of meat all seem to be the same size and have little M’s printed on them. This was the best entrée of the bunch, but that’s like saying that this is the best smelling old person in a hospital.
RATING: “Dessert for dinner?! I’m Sold.”
RLLD: The packet seemingly baked into the dessert says “DO NOT EAT”. Probably too late now to be looking for warning signs. It tastes like pure cocoa, that’s been pressed together by an elephants ass cheeks. The plus side to eating this crap was finding out how many cavities I have. Which are 3 more than when I started.
NPX: With all the air suctioned out, this brownie was left denser than a blonde at MOMA. I think all the sugar from this was put into the Sloppy Joe’s by mistake. It wasn’t really all that bad, kind of tasted like if you took gas station paper towels, exorcised the flavour and ran it over with 18-wheeler hauling RLLD’s ex-girlfriends.
RATING: Brownie, “Reminds me of Morgan Freeman for some reason”
RATING: RLLD’s exes, “Bahahahahahaha”
That’s about all our stomachs can take for now. But believe me there is more. Stay tuned next week for the next 3 flavours of tongue-numbing, gut-wrenching, boner-softening rations.
These might taste okay
If your next meal was going
to be a land mine.
July something-or-other (or the ramalamalong-weekend as I call it) marked the first day of a yearly tradition of a weekend of camping and incessant alcoholism. As this was my first year I decided it was fitting to take mental notes in hopes of writing them down on paper in a time line like manner! Keep in mind NPX was also there, as well as the other Space Boner author, whom we won’t mention because she’s a girl.
12:00 pm Friday
Text between NPX and RLLD
NPX: “Ugh, you’re an asshole for missing last night! The bar was CRAZY!”
RLLD: “I was in bed early after saving a family from a burning house fire.”
NPX: “Oh really? I wonder if it was the one I set?”
RLLD: “It was set with a Molotov Cocktail. Smelled like 151.”
NPX: “Nope. I wouldn’t waste booze on that. Are you ready to come camping?”
Unfortunately, at that moment I was tied up and had to put him off for a moment until I could get back to him.
When I was ready I sent him a text, inquiring about some last-minute directions and as usual he was of the utmost help.
Luckily, Fuckhead was spot on with his directions, and I only drove 30 KM in the wrong direction before I regained cell reception and google maps came through for me.
So despite his best efforts, I made my way to the promised land, and ahead of me awaited 4 days, 3 nights, of the most intoxicated near death experiences.
5:30 pm: Arrival
*Sound of beer opening*
RLLD: Is that our tent?
NPX: Yes! Let’s get drunk!
*Sound of Two beer opening*
Bryan Parker: Hey, whose stuff is in my tent?
6:30 pm: 5 beer later
We were all set up, some of us for the second time, and the festivities were just beginning. Wood was being chopped, posts were being pounded for Beersbee, and Bags were set up for the less manly people to play.
I should at this point explain the rules to Beersbee. The object is to stand an empty beer can on top of a stick in the ground by both teams, and you in turn try to knock the beer can off the post with the Frisbee for points.
Apparently, as a drinking game there are circumstances where you have to drink depending on what either team does, but don’t ask me what they were because we got right alco-fucked on our own no matter how we played.
Now despite our differences NPX and I, were and still are the Beersbee Grand Champions of the fucking Universe. The closest thing we came to a loss was after about 32 beer (see 7:30) and about 4 substitutions by the other team. Despite it all, nobody could touch us, and just as with every other beer in site, we destroyed that can effortlessly.
From this period my memory is a touch hazy and I am pretty sure it was mostly filled with chain-smoking and mingling. At some point NP-drunken fuck-X, kicked a folding chair perfectly into my face swelling my lip and causing me to spit alcoholic blood (closer to bloodied alcohol at this point) onto my hands, which was the highlight of the weekend. Out of sheer spite I will not touch on this any further.
(ED’S NOTE: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! -NPX)
Anyway, these next few hours would set apart the men from the boys.
So now it’s just NPX, myself and a mutual friend, whom I mentioned earlier and we will dub Bryan Parker for anonymity’s sake (and lawsuit purposes). The night is going well at this point, as I have had so much to drink, infection for my lip wound from the chairilyzer is but an impossibility. Sure makes things easier when you have to pour liter after liter of booze over the wound without choice!
So, by now absolutely everything said between myself and NPX is pure comedic genius. In fact, what we say is SO funny, I am sure a higher power created booze for the sheer purpose of preventing us from remembering any of it, repeating it, and causing a disruption in the space-time continuum.
Butted out a cigar on NPX’s arm, and peed my pants laughing. Everything tastes like blood.
Bryan Parker is showing signs of excessive drunkenness. NPX and I are leading the charge. Everyone else had gone to bed, probably to knit sweaters fo their gay lovers.
Bryan Parker just lit a cigarillo filter first and is handed another beer to help ease the embarrassment.
Captain Morgan we have a problem! Bryan is not looking too good and claims he has to go to bed. He agrees to shotgun one last beer before he is allowed to leave.
Bryan lost the shotgun contest, but is drunk enough to believe us when we tell him he won. He wins another beer!
Bryan is gone to die in his tent. NPX and RLLD proceed to tell jokes again and laugh like school girls all night long.
Time for the Pig Roast. Where we make fun of girls who wouldn’t sleep with us for some reason.
Couldn’t think of anyone. Back to the drinking and pissing of sleeping campers/pussies.
The sunshine can suck my dick! Time for bed, as well as trying not to fall into the fire while putting it out, with excessive yelling and giddy laughter.
Looks like Bryan Parker survived, so he and his sister, Bail Morgana, felt it to be their duty as sisters to wake up NPX and RLLD from their drunken coma. Dreamt about a bunch babies having a hammer fight in a dumpster.
Tent is hotter than Satan’s greasy ball sack.
Ate whatever the hell I could carry and made my way to the shower to wash off excess booze-sweat.
Forgot my towel, dammit. Absolutely hate life. Probably would have handled it better had I not been transitioning from drunk to hung over.
10:00 am to 5:00 pm
I can’t really recall anything that happened that afternoon other than we hauled some big dirty rope across the river of slippery current death. This was a dumb idea as Bryan Parker and I did all the work, only for us to never use the rope for anything other than decapitating unsuspecting tubers floating down the river!
NPX and I have found the perfect spot on the rope to sit while leaning into the current and drinking beer. Only issue, stupid people on shore too lazy to pass us four beer at a time. Polluted the river with our urine. We laugh at the people downstream and shout unheard comments.
Finally, drunk again! It’s time to get out of the river and get changed into some dry clothes!
More Beersbee embarrassment! I am surprised nobody hated us for the merciless thrashing dished out upon them. Team Crynihilation perfects the High Five.
Oh no! Wild throw from team suckshit! The Frisbee is in the river! Good thing I am wearing my superman shirt. Dum-dee-dee-dum-dum!
I am soaked… my cigars are ruined… my wallets soaked. Oh, and someone grabbed the Frisbee from the shore so it was all for nothing. Gay!
The pussies have all gone to bed to sleep off any hangover they may have after a day of drinking 5 beer. Now it’s NPX myself and 3 girls going strong! I like these odds!
Playing bartender to the ladies! I am now a pro at making ParaRyzers, Caralyzers, and Pina CRYladas. Ladies love em! Next year lube should be included in the budget!
Enough booze consumed by this point to kill an Elephant. I am feeling a buzz. NPX acts as though he’s just rinsed his mouth with Scope. Pretty sure the girls all did each other by the fire. It’s my story and I’ll tell it how I want too!
*Flashback 6 months*
I won an award for best Understater of the year!
The morning sun has vanquished the terrible night and is again hovering ten feet above our tent. Sweating urine.
NPX not breathing… must find water… S.O.S.
Going into town seems like a good idea! Could use some more clothes!
Looks like I forgot my house key. There goes 3 hours of drinking.
Driving back to booze central I see the distinct colour of NPX’s tears (beer-coloured) as he passes us on the highway headed for what I can only imagine to be a warm bed and an all day buffet.
…I am the king of the mountain!
Drank all day, and told jokes nobody but NPX would ever have had a chance at getting. Hate life…
So bored decided to play ‘Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?’ 5 grown men at least 30 years of age were in fact not smarter than a 5th grader, and the worst part being one of the men was at one point, a 5th grade teacher. Why did we keep playing this!?
Lo and behold, the girls out number RLLD 2 to 1! It’s looking good now, so don’t fight ladies!
One girl has barred me from ever making her a drink again! Ten minutes later I am mixing her a drink at her request. I guess the bar is far away from the campfire. I remember, NOT remembering pouring 3 ounces of vodka into ice, forgetting I did it, adding mix, then adding 3 ounces of Gin to make up for the lack of booze. I miss NPX.
Whiner McGee says the drink tastes like Pine Sol. My reply, “Hwow do you knnknow what pine hole tastes like I need mrore wood on this fire. Ohld my dirnk bicth.” Then I finished the drink. It tasted like Pine Sol.
Quite possibly could have had the greatest drunk night of my life. Unfortunately, I was in fact drunk and probably missed out on all of it. Heard Fallen by Volbeat 27 times at this point.
Tent not filled with the stench of stank, drunken ass and stale farts. First time I didn’t miss NPX.
Showering is for homos. I’ll end up in the river inadvertently sooner or later.
“There’s still beer left?!”
Operation water down the hangover with more beer to prevent it from developing into a crippling coma is a go!
“Hey, let me throw you this rope! Just stand with your sandals on the slippery rocks.”
Officially out of dry clothes/underwear. Stupid ideas…
Maybe a nap will save me from vomiting my brain cells out of my nose?
Feel like a million bucks! Sorry brain cells.
Packed up and good to go! I survived the weekend. I am sure I drank more than everyone and thus, have completed my ascent into manhood! Now where are my keys?
Well, the after party has started again… My liver is now the hardest substance on earth.
Now a haiku:
Testing my liver.
And my balance around fire.
Camping is in tents.