Monthly Archives: May 2011

While growing up you are faced with the harsh reality of things that were at one point very real to us, and now as a grownup you realize they were so far from the truth it’s not even funny, and now realizing the truth – how the fuck did we even believe these lies in the first place?

Look at these lying bastards!

First off, the Easter Bunny – as a child you are told that you go to sleep, and when you wake up there is a either an Easter basket filled with yummy treats, or in some cases that bunny has shit his eggs all over your house and now you get to run around to collect them.

Or sometimes dad would just run him over in the car.

As an adult you realize there is no awesome rabbit that leaves tasty turds around for your tasting pleasure, there’s just you having to buy your own chocolate.  The hard part is trying to limit your intake so you don’t gain weight over that 6 lb Easter bunny with the delicious peanuts and crispy treats hidden inside.  Or trying to disguise those 10 packs of mini eggs you bought for yourself, and pass them off as treats for your fake kids or nephews.

Yeah...It's for my uhh "kids."

What about when your mom would tell you “If you don’t stop making that face, you’re going to look like that permanently”.  I know this for a fact isn’t true.  I once dated a someone who had the worst ‘O-face‘ in the world.  It was a mixture between eating a really sour candy and eating something hot – worst combo ever, but surprisingly not bad-looking on a normal day.  To bad we can’t make our judgments on someone’s O-face before we make it to the bedroom - I can only imagine how many freaks would be kicked to the curb.

Get out of here Katy Perry! You disgusting freak!

Then there’s “Santa” – we are told this old man squeezes down a chimney, leaves your presents and then stuffs his fat ass back up the chimney after eating about 3 billion cookies and glasses of milk that every child is told to leave for that tub of lard.

Now Santa needs the elves just to wipe his asshole.

We can’t even begin to describe the horrible feeling you get as a child when you realize there is no fat, jolly, cookie-eating, present-leaving man; there’s your dad who’s pissed drunk, dressed up as Santa falling down the stairs, and breaking every present on the way down.  Surprisingly those beards don’t stay on to great with spearmint gum and beer mashed together into a paste – MERRY CHRISTMAS FUCKERS!

"But dad, it's January 12th...sniff"

Or there’s your mom who tells you not to sit too close to the television in fear that you will go blind.  BLIND?! Really?!  We’re pretty sure our generation is doing just fine.  When you’re 5 all you wanted to do was sit up close and watch Fraggle Rock, TMNT and Astro Boy.  And you had to be so close that you could actually see the RGB in the screen.  If you grew up with a flat screen that reference may be lost on you.  Also, fuck you rich boy.

We could never figure out how it made white though...

What about the tooth fairy, we were told that a lovely little vixen flies in, gently removes our baby teeth from under our pillows and magically money appears. Now realistically if you were a smart child you would realize this is bullshit, but being a normal child seems perfectly reasonable.  But you were smart you would wonder how does she get in the house, and if baby teeth were worth so much I would have ripped those fuckers outta my head in a heart beat.  Maybe if teeth were a set rate, kids would be abducted more & headlines would read: “Child found toothless, tooth fairy business is booming.  Homeless rate on decline.”

JACKPOT!

Although some things did turn out to be true, like that thing about eating too many carrots and you’ll turn orange , something fun to look forward to when you have a child.  Force feeding it too many carrots to prove a hilarious point.  And then you’ll have some funny pictures for his/her wedding day or funeral.

"Remember when we made him orange?! What an asshole!"

Lastly, the myth about if you masturbate too much your palms go all hairy.  If that were true, Gillette would be the richest company in the world due to their innovations in palm-shaving technology.  A 6-blade palm shaver?!  Amazing!  What will they think of next?

And now a poem for all the fuckin’ fairy tale tellers out there…about pirates.

Pirate haikus are
easy since there’s only one
syllable for “Arrrrrrrrrrrrr!”
—cVp